Embrace the Darkness
by Amelie Bella
Summary: Hawke's life has never been easy. Being hunted and scorned for her magical abilities causes a darkness within her to evolve. With her ever growing power her life begins to spiral out of control, causing a series of events to occur that will change her irrevocably and the elf she so inexplicably loves. He must confront his demons to save her. But will he? Warning: smut rape violence
1. Touch me

**The second fanfic ever. So reviews are welcome. Here is the first of many chapters. Enjoy! Disclaimer: bioware owns all**

**Update 1/13: found that my writing abilites have increased quite a bit so I wanted to come back and redo this.**

_This would be her only chance. He would not be so foolish to trust her again if she was caught. She had to keep running, had to keep going. She was soaked to the bone, her hair matted to her head like a helmet, the remnants of the dress she wore lay all over the forest floor like a bread crumb trail leading directly to her. The magebane biting along her sides cutting her off from her magic. She prayed to every god there was that somehow she would make it out alive. She ignored the burning in her chest, the throbbing of her heart, the stitch like a knife in her side, the numbness of her legs, and let the need to flee drive her forward. She knew if she fell her body would not have the strength to climb up and start again. She focused only on what was ahead of her, letting her instinct guide her through the forest. In a way trusting the trees to yield to her movement and not hinder it. She glided through the woods pushing her body to its capacity. She had a flash of his murderous, lust filled face as the lash fell on her again and again. The hard length of him pressed against the fabric of his pants as the tell tale sound of the whip cracked followed instantly by a blinding pain on her back. She could not go back there, her will would not survive it. There was a shot of adrenaline and she navigated the woods even faster. She felt something lurking underneath the surface of her skin begging for release as she sprinted down a small brush covered path. She let go and the thing inside her took over, turning the tree trunks into blurs and the forest into a watery backdrop. An inate ability took over, something more primal that sensed every bush, every tree, every hidden root and cascaded through it all like an animal that belonged there. Her mind rebelled , the feeling disappeared and that was all it took. Her foot caught on a root underneath the leaves and she went sprawling across the ground. She lay there for Maker only knows how long trying get her body to obey her commands. She managed to get herself hidden in a cave made from a fallen tree's exposed root system. She sat for a time listening to the sounds of the forest over the drops of the falling rain as every instinct in her body was screaming to run. She peaked out slowly her body having recovered somewhat and looked for any sign of them. Nothing. She burst from her hidding spot only to have a hand roughly yank her hair from behind and her head met the ground with a resounding crack. Her vision blurred and stars crawled across her vision._

_A man kneeled down, "Gotcha little bird." He whisperd in her ear, his foul breath filling her nose._

She jerked awake, arms flailing, heart beating frantically, and her throat hoarse from the screams she knew that had come from her. No one even bothered to see if she was ok anymore. It was a common occurrence and was the main reason she slept very little most nights, and why she slept alone. It had been years ago but the nightmares still haunted her every time she tried to sleep. She sighed in frustration, no point in going back to sleep now, she thought. The dream would only pick up where it left off, the part of her life that had nearly broken her spirit. As it was it damaged her so completely she wondered sometimes who would ever want someone like her. She shivered in response from a reaction having nothing to do with the cold.

She decided to go to the docks so she could just listen to the water. The ever constant lapping against the planks soothed her fraying nerves. She got up, threw on her clothes, braided her long wild black hair quickly to the side and wrapped her cloak around her to ward off the chill in the air. Winter was definitely on the way. It was close to morning, the sky just beginning to brighten as she made her way down to the waterside. Her breath puffed out in a cloud in front of her and she inhaled the frozen air deeply and it released a tightness in her chest. She passed by the Hanged Man, and briefly entertained the idea of entering but quickly discarded it. Everyone was fast asleep or passed out at this point.

Her mind wandered through the events of the past few weeks while she walked. They had recruited a rather attractive elf that, of course, despised mages. It would figure that all the warriors in her group would dislike dealing with her kind. Aveline she knew didn't care and would defend her in the drop of a hat, but had they met under different circumstances she would probably be in the Circle now. The thought of being in the Circle really didn't bother her the way it did some mages. Afterall had she been put in the circle at a young age it would have saved her the agony she received at his hands. Her beloved brother had always hated that she and Bethany had been born with magic and had no qualms about letting everyone know that every mishap and grievance in his life had in some way been caused by her. She received the blame for everything now since Bethany died. She was positive that should Carver find a way to blame the Blight on her he would have. So of course it would make sense that Fenris would hate mages as well. She was so tired of everyone hating her for what she was, she understood it, gods she understood it but that didn't mean she had to like it. She just wanted a life of peace, to get married and eventually raise a family. Why was that so impossible? She pulled the cloak tighter around her form as the wind began to pick up making her cheeks tingle.

She had to admit there was something about the elf, something that called to her, something almost familiar. The fact that he hated mages did nothing to diminish the feeling. It irritated her horribly. She remembered when they first met, the way he held himself, his sharp features and his voice. Maker, his voice was…amazing, like something was alive and could caress the most intimate parts of you. It was intoxicating and always left her wanting more. She would ask him questions just to hear the sound of it again. She longed to touch his lirium brands. If she was close enough to him and closed her eyes to concentrate she swore she could hear the hum they would emanate. The thought sounded ridiculous even to her but she had always been attuned to the music in the world around her. Her father had called her a Sunsinger, because the world seemed a little brighter when her voice was raised in song. His lirium called to her, begging for relief, but from what she didn't know. Fenris never allowed her to stay too close to him for too long before finding some excuse to move. From the moment they met she knew he would cause her trouble, but in a way she needed it. She let her mind wander, anything to distract her from the nightmare.

She had never seen so much anger and hatred emitted from one individual before. There was such a depth of pain and hollowness in those green eyes, it was wrong for someone as young as he was to be so jaded. At the same time she understood because she looked in the mirror every day and recognized that same look. A large part of her hated what she was, and would give almost anything to have been born like Carver. That was part of the reason her and her brother fought as much as they did. He was envious of her abilities and she wished nothing more that to be like him. She was afraid of becoming a monster, becoming like so many others had in this world, an abomination. She knew she was powerful, more powerful than Bethany had ever been, and now probably more powerful than her father ever was. But this self hatred inside made her weak and she knew it. So she overcompensated in other ways, by always trying to help others, trying her best to do what was right, what was fair, what was just. But the world was very rarely that black and white, it was swirled in endless amounts of grey. Perception was not reality as others always treated it to be. It was something her father had drilled into her head at an early age. The gods had seen fit to drive the point home after he died. She had done things she wasn't proud of, sometimes even despised herself for but it had been necessary at the time to survive. Fenris was right in a way people will do terrible things in the name of survival.

She was disturbed from her thoughts to the sound of footsteps some distance behind her. She perceived that had she been paying attention to her surroundings she would have noticed it a lot sooner than now. She picked up her pace, she was almost at the docks now. She let go of her cloak to free her hands for the impending battle. The wind picked it up whipping it behind her in the air. She reached her favorite spot, gathered her mana preparing to disintegrate whoever was stupid enough to follow her. She turned, her hand cradling the white hot flames, looking for her attacker. She spotted white hair and a dark lithe form in the shadow of the nearest building and hesitated.

"Fenris?" she squinted as the dark form pushed away from the building and came into the light. "What are you doing here, why are you following me?"

"I apologize, my intent wasn't to frighten you I only wanted to make sure you...remained unharmed." He finished hesitantly

"So you care about my safety do you?" She teased.

She could tell he wasn't sure how to respond to that one. Say yes and admit he cared about a mage or let his hate rule him and say no. She watched him struggle with the dilemma. In the end he chose to ignore it, instead asking his own question. "What are you doing out so early?"

"I could ask you the same question" and she let the irritation show in her voice.

He raised an eyebrow, "Very well" he said, "I don't sleep well, and these…things" raising his arms in disgust gesturing to his brands," don't allow for it."

She sympathized, "I don't sleep well either, but my reasons are entirely different." The couldn't stop the anger and guilt from coloring her features before she noticed and quickly changed the subject. "Do they hurt?" she asked tentatively staring at his markings.

He stared at her for a bit before finally stating "Yes, in varying degrees."

"Can I…touch them" she asked shyly.

A look of fear briefly touched his face followed by anger. "No!" he said sharply.

She was taken aback but his sudden change in demeanor, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" she sighed in defeat, " thank you for caring for my well-being, I'll be alright now" she said hiding the hurt and turned away walking to the edge of the dock and sat down, staring out into the water. She waited to hear his retreating footsteps. In their absence she looked back and was startled to him find directly behind her.

She jumped, "Gods, you scared me. How did you do that?"

He smirked briefly before adding, "I have many talents you aren't aware of."

_'Ok, so now we are back to being vague and mysterious, fantastic_,' she thought sarcastically. She couldn't stop the smile from spreading on her face though, "Uh huh, and how come I heard you before?"

He sat down on the dock next to her gazing at the sea, close but not that close. She waited for a reply, determined to get him to respond. He glanced at her expectant face and sighed. "Because I wanted you to hear me" he finally said and looked away again.

Her smile widened to a grin at his response. She pulled her knees into her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and turned her head to study him. His tanned skin, the dark green of his eyes, the slant of his nose and the curvature of his lips, his strong jaw and the swirl of the markings as they disappeared below his armor, he was in a word gorgeous. After a short time he glanced over at her, curious at her stare. A small smile started to curve his lips at her attention. "Why do I warrant such interest?" He asked her.

She smiled a lazy smile at him as she rested her head against her knees, "You're beautiful, do you know that?"

He snorted but didn't reply.

She could feel it then. A gentle tingling emanating from the lirium and a call that came from somewhere she couldn't describe. She closed her eyes and slowly extended her hand towards him but not touching. She heard his intake of breath but he didn't stop her. She didn't need to open her eyes to know her hand was hovering directly above the surface of his skin. She could feel it, emanating that same tone. The more she concentrated though she could tell something was off, like a discordant note that stuck out in a perfect melody. She hummed to herself and tried to feel it more effectively, her hand glided lower as she found the pulsating pressure against her palm. She didn't know what she was doing but she softly hummed the tune his brands emitted, soothed the discordant note and weaved it into the tune of the others. He groaned and then quickly slapped her hand away. She opened her eyes and started to apologize but he had already removed himself and was making quick strides away from her. She sighed in annoyance, well that was a stupid move. The first rays of sunshine broke the over the surface of the sea in shades of red and yellow and she raised her voice to it feeling the relative calm as the nightmare of the previous night was burned away with the rising of the sun.

**Ok, so please click the follow button if you liked the first chapter. Review if you really like it. I can't tell you how excited I get when I get an email saying someone new has followed. I intend to improve some more of the earlier ones before putting up the next chapter. Sorry to those of you who are already following.**


	2. Prejudice

**Bioware owns all much to my dismay.**

**Updated 1/13: fixed many errors and spruced it up a bit.**

He watched her walk in front of him, staff slung on her back, hips swaying ever so gently with each step. He admired the view and at the same time hated himself for it. She had long legs encased in light leather that fit her like a second skin, and knee high boots to match, a brownish black top with a leather corset that held it all together, and of course the lone red sash that sat on her hips accentuating her sway as she walked. She was short for a human, about six inches shorter than him, had a small lithe frame that contained more muscle than most elves. Surprising really for a magic caster, most were softer than their warrior counterparts. She however was more compact but had the appearance of being the weak link in the group. It was an assumption she counted on when fighting enemies. She was easily dismissed as cannon fodder, until there was a fire storm hailing down on them burning them all to a crisp. It was then they quickly grasped the enormity of their mistake. Hawke stopped in her tracks and bent over to fix something in her boot. He inhaled softly and couldn't stop himself from watching her as she adjusted the knife hilt that stuck out of her boot, therefore giving him the best viewpoint of the muscles as they played underneath the thin supple fabric. It was small and hard just like the rest of her. Isabella's was much rounder by comparison providing a better handle from which to grab or hold, but Hawke's was the perfect size for her stature. Her skin had a porcelain quality to it, making her look almost ethereal when put it was in contrast with her hair. Her tresses were a black so dark that when the sun hit it the right way the blue undertones cascaded over it all, her eyes a grey the color of storm clouds had before they erupted on the earth. His eyes slid to her shoulder blades and neck as she straightened herself and continued on down the coast. He followed the sway of her black plaited hair as it gently swung back and forth across her back. Her hair was always in a braid for the most part although the one she wore now was loose and looked ready to fall out.

He realized he was staring when she quickly turned around to glance behind her and caught him gazing. He cursed silently to himself. This new developing desire to watch over her was creating a deep animosity within him. She threw his world into chaos. Never before had he entertained the idea of befriending a mage such as herself, or any mage for that matter. The Maker apparently had a sense of humor. She smiled at him, a shy reserved sort of smile that gave away the insecurity that lay beneath, belying the strong strength of will she had, the desire to help those less fortunate, and the dominate force of nature that she displayed to everyone else. In a way it was a relief to know that she indeed had a weakness. He quickly glanced away feeling an idiot for the thoughts he had been having.

He frowned. She was a mage, and a talented one at that. He had seen firsthand the devastation she could cause and she only seemed to be getting more powerful. He knew what happened to the most powerful of mages when confronted with the enormity of the world, they felt the need to impose their will on humanity. Ultimate Power Always Corrupts. Her control however, was faltering. She blamed it on her lack of sleep but he knew there was something else that she wasn't sharing. There were shadows in her eyes…a numbness in her mien and a deep reluctance to let anyone get too close to her. But she desired it underneath all that polite indifference she so often displayed, she wanted someone to see through all the ugliness and accept her. Perhaps it was the cause of her recent magical….limitation. This lack of discipline, it made it harder to stay inconspicuous in the eyes of the Templars. To him it was a futile effort because the underground was alight with talk of Hawke and her abilities. She was admired by many and despised by the rest. He had to remind himself constantly of that fact because all too often now he would catch himself thinking about her, the sing song quality of her voice and the way it soothed his lirium markings. Or the heat of her body when she was close, her fingers hovering just over the surface of his skin wanting so badly to cover that final distance. The pull of her magic had been stimulating yet comforting, a feeling that seemed to suck him in by offering power and the safety that it would provide him. He tried as hard as he could to distract himself, whether through drink or drowning in the darkness of his past to drive out all desire for her, it was working for the most part. Had she been anything other than a mage he might think himself in some serious danger of falling for her charms. He cursed himself sometimes for sticking around for as long as he had. This would not end well for either of them.

He shook his head to clear his mind. He knew she was leaving for the Deep Roads soon and the thought of her being away from him for so long distressed him slightly. He kept trying to convince himself this would be a good thing. Perhaps their time apart would help him readjust to being alone again, thus making it easier for him to leave. Their group had the coin to go now and was just tying up some loose ends before they departed. He just had to hope now that she wouldn't bring him on the expedition, although there was a part of him that screamed she should.

The dwarf broke his reverie, "So is brooding a sport in Tevinter? Do they hold competitions? Hand out trophies for the best scowls?" Hawke and Isabella busted out laughing.

He looked at the dwarf and scowled, "I'm not brooding."

"Moping then. You seem like you're a champion at it."

He saw Hawkes gaze and for a moment wanted to smile. His frown deepened, no the less attention from her the better, "I am perfectly content at the moment, Varric"

Varric laughed, "Oh, so that's you smiling? Glad you clarified that. I'd never have known."

He studiously kept his eyes off her figure wishing they could just be done with this damn quest. Then he could go back to his mansion and drink. Hopefully she would leave without saying goodbye to him and it would be a nice long break. His mind began to wander. The only other mages he had known in his life tortured him, branding him with markings which on the best of days were nothing but a dull throbbing all over is body. On the worst however they would cause him so much pain, like thousands of scorpions stinging every inch of his skin in an awe inspiring agony. On those days he would get himself as drunk as possible just so he could pass out and have some relief from the misery. He prayed that one day he would be able to bury his fist in both Denarius and Hadriana's chest and at least get that small measure of satisfaction and would be able to live his life in relative peace.

Peace, the idea of it just gave him the chills, what would he do, where would he go? Would he stay in Kirkwall? He knew if he did she would be the cause. She was the only tie he had to this place, the only reason he had stayed so long. He had never been in one place for more than a couple of weeks, not since Seheron, and he had been here now for almost four months. He had been a constant companion on most of their quests. She had even gained a measure of his respect. Hawke was a good leader, fair, honest and compassionate. She cared what the other's thought and stood fast to her beliefs. He had been surprised when she had expressed her views on apostates. He expected her to back mages in their fight for independence from the templars and while she did think the principle was a nice 'idea' she also knew it wasn't possible.

_Her lips curled in distaste. "Because there are mages who go around torturing innocent people for the chance to look more powerful to their peers." Giving him that all too knowing look, "It's... disgusting." Sorrow showed in her eyes. "Of course many people are like that, mages just have more painful means. Would that I had known and my life might be completely different now." Her face showed her regret and then quickly smoothed, betraying nothing but disinterest, "but that conversation is for another time."_

He had caught the look. She was normally so guarded with her emotions covering them up with sarcasm and indifference. It was a look he knew all too well. He should know since he had seen the look on his own face often enough. She had lost her innocence at a young age, her eyes had that knowledge of what the world was capable of since she had seen it at its ugliest. She began to earn his trust then. He could only hope she wouldn't make him regret it.

This time Isabella was the one to disturb his thoughts, "You know it isn't polite to stare."

He cursed himself as he noticed again that he had been staring at Hawke, who was now a slight shade of pink. She turned her back to him and stared into the distance trying to look nonchalant.

"Why, are you upset it wasn't at you," he retorted. He then looked back at Hawke, "I apologize Hawke, I wasn't doing it consciously I was just...thinking." She didn't turn around, just waved him off like it was no big deal.

Isabella wouldn't let it drop though. "Clearly you were fantasizing about her." That drew his glare. "Oh you're brooding again. You should add some smolder in there just for me. And some cold insolence"

He became perplexed, "You want me to smolder and be cold at the same time… those don't go together."

She smiled absently, "Shush don't distract me with your logic."

He shook his head in exasperation. He watched as Isabella caught up with Hawke, putting her arm around her, whispering in her ear then looking back at him. He frowned. Hawke glanced back and grinned at him, clearly happy with the whole affair. He found himself smirking back at her before he could catch himself. _Damn it all!_ he thought. He heard talking in the distance and relaxed, finally something they could focus on. A simple group of raiders, quite pathetic actually and easily dispatched of by their lot. Now if only he could keep himself from thinking about her the rest of the trip it would be a small miracle.

Sometime later and five sovereigns richer they found themselves at the Hanged Man all gathered around Varric's table as usual playing Wicked Grace. The rest of their group joined them one by one and they were all drinking as tomorrow would see them off to the Deep Roads and the supply of alcohol would be sorely lacking. As usual Isabella was winning most of the hands due to her superb cheating skills. Varric was in his story telling phase while Hawke strummed her mandola and hummed to herself. She had already given up playing cards after losing too many hands in a row. He found out she loved to sing but he had yet to hear her do it. He had heard her play quite a few times, a talent she had picked up from her father. She was quite skilled as her fingers floated over the strings plucking delicately and listening to each chord. Slowly she started to put notes together and formed a song that had a happy, carefree tone and the atmosphere in their room seemed to lighten. He found himself rocking with the beat. Then she opened her mouth and started to sing, her voice carrying over them, enveloping them in its relaxing rhythm. It was a voice made for singing, sweet, soulful and surprisingly powerful. It was breathtaking. He sat and stared at her, letting the music wash over him. Her eyes were closed as she sang feeling every note and a smile broke over her face that conveyed nothing but happiness in its purest form. He was seeing another side of her, and was beginning to understand her desire for a life of peace and quiet. She swayed back and forth singing her hearts contentment and he felt it weaving around him, in him, healing a portion of his bitter heart. His body began to relax and the pain of the day and to his surprise the ever constant pain of his markings had abated. He sat back, closed his eyes and relished in its comfort. Before he wanted it to end the song came to a close, his pain returned, and somehow the world seemed to get a little darker for it.

Aveline sniffed, "I haven't heard that song since I was a little girl."

Even Varric was rendered speechless, "Ancestors, is there anything you can't do.

She smiled and spread her arms in the air, "Fly"

They all chuckled. He wanted to hear her play another. Her voice...it did something to him...he needed to hear it again. "Hawke, would you play another?" he asked her tentatively.

She looked taken aback by his request, "I guess." Her expression became thoughtful. She started a song then stopped suddenly, and he studied her features attempting to discern what she was thinking. She stared back at him and he saw something in her face change, a faint shift in the set of her mouth and her eyes and he knew she had decided.

"This is a song I used to sing for Bethany when she was little. She was always so scared of being taken away to the Circle, of being all alone. I haven't sung this since…" and her voice died off. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and he heard her whisper something to herself that he was barely able to catch. "Hopefully I can do this without crying" and the song began.

It started out quiet, almost a whisper as she sang the words her voice choking on the emotion that threatened to overwhelm her. He felt something within himself break open. The lirium in his skin was humming in response to the pull of her voice. The age old throbbing of his brands had ceased, and his mind cleared. Slowly the song gained volume and he could almost see her, frightened, cold, alone, doing her best to keep her family safe, and it made him wonder of the life she lived before coming to Kirkwall. He had always imagined she had an easy life but he could see by the pain on her face, and the way her body began to curl in on itself slowly that he had been very wrong in that assumption. He watched as the tears eventually broke free from her closed eyes and trailed down her cheeks. Her voice cracked as the sadness loomed over her like a dark cloud. He felt her fear and uncertainty, always waiting for the next betrayal but he could also sense her determination to keep on living no matter what the cost. There was a stirring deep within him, something he couldn't quite place. Something from long ago, awaking an emotion, an emotion he thought long dead and it frightened him. The song slowly and quietly came to a close much the way it had begun. The tears falling freely down her face as she opened her eyes and smiled sadly.

Carver for the first time was something other than judgmental of his sister, "You haven't sung that song since…since Bethany was killed." His voice hitched slightly.

Aveline touched her shoulder, "I remember that, it was beautiful."

She smiled sadly. "Sorry, I just felt…..Something told me….." she growled in annoyance as she couldn't convey her thoughts. "There was a reason I needed to play that song, I don't know why. I just go with what my instinct tells me."

There wasn't a dry eye in the lot of them. Even he felt his eyes water. He was an idiot for letting his prejudice cloud his judgment. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and tell her she would be protected. That she would never again be alone in bearing the burden. But the words died on his lips.

"I had no idea you…" and she immediately cut him off.

"Don't" she said harshly, and then she looked up at him smiling wanly to take away some of the sting, "I understand Fenris, more than you know"

He wanted to know…everything

.

**Ok so thats it for chapter 2. Hope you all enjoyed it, if you did please follow it. This story is coming out massively better than the last one. For those of you that did follow Rise and Rise Again I found the story becoming immensely difficult to write as there were many things I wanted to go back and change to make the story more coherent so instead of doing that and in essence redoing every chapter I decided to just axe it. Oh and one last thing the two songs she sings the first is a rendition of "somewhere over the rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole and the second song that she sang for bethany is "Kingdom Come" by The Civil Wars. Since music plays such a big role in my life it will reflect in this Hawke's life as well. I will tell you the songs she sings if there is a particular one I have in mind.**


	3. The Parting Glass

**Disclaimer: Bioware owns all I just like to play here.**

**Updated 1/13 wanted to fix some errors and added some more meat to the chapter for lack of a better word.**

She woke up again with a scream in her throat, her body curled into a ball on her side. It took her a moment to recognize where she was. The towering stone cavern disappearing into the darkness above her head soft bits of light provided by the imbedded lirium in the walls was enough. The Deep Roads. Varric was snoring soundly beside her, his arms wrapped protectively around Bianca. She smiled at the sight, not having the heart to laugh. She hoped he had the safety on this time. The first night of their trek he had accidently loosed a bolt in his sleep and it hit the neighboring sleeping dwarf in the buttocks. She chuckled silently to herself. It had been hilarious although the dwarf whose rear end it hit didn't think so. The fire they had built was down to just embers now, glowing lightly in the darkness. On the other side of Varric lay Carver and just beyond him sat Fenris. He stared out into the dimly lit cavern looking for any sign movement.

"Do you want me to take over watch?" She asked him.

He barely looked at her. "No I'm ok. I've only been up for an hour or so. Carver woke me up when he was unable to stay awake any longer." The peaceful demeanor of the elf shifted to concern. "He isn't the same Hawke, he hides it well but he's quieter than normal."

She blew it off, "Fenris, are any off us the same considering what we've been through. We are all exhausted, thirsty and starving. We just need to get to the surface and everything will be fine."

He seemed to accept what she said even if he didn't agree with it. She heard his intake of breathe but he held it then let it out. He had been about to say something to her then thought better of it. She sat there and stared into the glowing embers, tired but not willing to go back to sleep. He stood, paced back and forth a few times then came to sit beside her. He still kept a safe distance from her though she noticed.

"You were screaming again" he said with unease.

She continued to stare at the embers willing them to burst into flames. She knew this was going to come up sooner or later. She had just hoped that somehow they would find their way out before that happened.

"I know Fenris, I can't control it, and you have no idea how much I wish I could."

"So do you want to talk about it? Because at some point it's going to attract unwanted attention"

"And exactly what good would that do?" she retorted.

He tensed at her response but then just shrugged, "I've been told it helps"

She debated whether she should tell him anything. She wanted to be close to him, but at the same time he could be so infuriating that she wanted to slap him. She tried to fight it, this need to be near him but when it came to going on the expedition without him she couldn't do it. Besides she needed another warrior other than her brother just to be safe. Aveline had been unable to go due to her promotion to captain of the guard, or at least this is the excuse she gave herself. She had asked him. A small part of her hoping he would say no because the idea of anyone getting close to her scared her. The other part of her had been ecstatic when he agreed. But still to open up so much to him or anyone for that matter, she didn't know if she could trust someone that much. For so long she had relied on no one, never depending, never believing, never accepting anyone fully or letting them in. It made for a lonely existence and an exhausting one. She sighed and took a moment to think of how to reply.

It's nothing really, it was years ago now. There was a time when I had to do things I really abhorred just so my family could survive after father died. It was a time in my life that I try to forget but my mind refuses to let that happen."

Fenris scoffed, "I would hardly call it nothing. You've woken up every night screaming."

So he had heard it all, she thought. She looked down at her feet. "Yes well I really prefer not to relive it" she snapped.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw him turn towards her, studying her expression.

He asked with a genuine concern, "Why didn't your mother take care of you and your siblings?"

It hit a little too close for home, and before she could bite her tongue she lashed out at him, "I said I don't want to talk about it." Damn him for being so perceptive.

"Yes well these nightly screaming fits of yours will eventually get us killed, Hawke."

She could feel the rage building in her. Her reply came out in a hiss not wanting to wake the others. "Why can't you just let it be? I would think of all people you would understand since you barely tell me anything about your life."

She glared at him daring him to respond. He frowned and then it eased into a slight curl of his mouth as he thought of something. "Fine, you answer one of my questions and I'll answer one of yours."

She hesitated. She hadn't expected that response. The prospect of finally getting some answers excited her. She smiled slyly at him. "Ok, Can I go first?"

He smirked, "No" he said simply.

"But how do I know you won't just blow me off once I answer your question."

He sighed at her, "I give you my word I will do my best to answer your question. Is that sufficient?"

She eyed him speculatively, "I suppose."

"Good, now, what are your nightmares about?"

Her fear came back quickly nearly choking her. Why did he have to ask that of all the questions? She was ready to tell him to go screw himself but the possibility of learning what he really thought overpowered it. She glanced over at Carver to ensure he was still sleeping soundly. When she heard the gentle snoring of both of her sleeping comrades she glanced at Fenris's patient expression. She closed her eyes doing her best to release the anxiety that was threatening to eat her alive. She whispered her response.

"There was someone from before I came to Kirkwall that," and she visibly had make her hands hold her arms to stop the shaking. After a moment she continued, "That decided he wanted me for his own personal pleasure. He took me against my will and did things to me… horrible things" and she couldn't say anymore as the memories of the past threatened to overwhelm her. A flash of short black hair, eyes that were an icy pale blue and then that sadistic smile. The glee she would see in his eyes as he beat her made her want to vomit.

She was brought back to the here and now by the feel of hands on her arms. She looked up into the dark green eyes and a face that showed such sympathy for her that she felt the irresistible need to wrap herself around his waist just to feel the safety his embrace would bring. She was barely able to contain it. It was only the knowledge of his unconcealed distaste of her touch that held her back from jumping into his arms.

He sat back on his heels letting her go. The absence of the warmth the closeness of his body had brought made her shiver.

"What about your family? Why didn't they do anything?" he asked her tentatively.

She looked at him sharply "It's my turn to ask"

He didn't reply just gestured with his hand that she should continue.

"Why won't you let me touch you?"

He visibly paled and sat there for a bit. She didn't think he was going to answer her but his eyes hardened and he said, "I don't like being touched by anyone." He said as if that should have been answer enough.

When he refused to say more it irritated her. "I know you don't like to be touched but why?"

His mouth hardened into a thin line. "Because the last time anyone touched me I got these markings and the pain was…excruciating."

This ticked her off because she knew he was lying to her. "That's bullshit, I've seen Isabella caress you more than once and you don't cringe or slap her hand away. Why can't I?" she asked vehemently.

"Because I'm afraid I won't want you to stop" he said practically yelling and then he blanched as he realized what he just said.

She sat there as the shock of his words set in. Before she could reply Varric rolled over and glanced at them.

"Can you two just do it already and get over with." He said clearly annoyed at being woken up.

Fenris sat their refusing to say anymore and she was too embarrassed to say a word.

"Bloody Hell" Varric mumbled. "We can all see the two of you are enamored with each other why do you refuse to see it."

She couldn't stand to hear anymore. She got up and walked off beyond irritated with the whole conversation. She knew his disgust of mages would always outweigh his desire to let her near. She had known the real answer or suspected it but just wanted his confirmation. His outburst though he had said he wanted her to touch him, so was it his fear that held him back, his hatred, his rage towards all mages? She supposed she would never find out. He would find more ammunition to push her away now and she would never know the embrace of those lirium laced arms.

She observed her surroundings and decided this was a good enough spot. She got down on her knees and looked up straining to see the ceiling of the cavern. The only light now was the faint glow of the lirium embedded in the stone. Before her was nothing but darkness as the cliff dropped off into nothingness. She had dreamed that someday there would be somebody. Someone who would know everything that she had done in her life, someone who would see past the ugliness, who wouldn't judge her but accept and love all of her, but there was no one. She was alone. What a stupid dream. She sat there for a while trying to clear her mind of everything.

She missed the sun. It's beautiful rays had a way of burning away all thoughts of the past until all that remained was what she had to do. It had been nearly a week that they had been locked away underground trying to find their way back to the surface. Or at least it felt like a week. It was hard to track the passage of time down here. It was beginning to take a toll on all of them. She raised her hands in supplication and lifted her voice in song not caring who or what heard. It was a bright strong note banishing the grief, the anger and finally the loneliness she felt. She had to be strong and let go of it all for now. The cavern seemed to get lighter as the lirium reacted to her one pure note and glowed brighter. She let her voice die and it became dark again. She stood and headed back to the group. She had to wake up Carver so they could be done with this dreadful place.

Many hours later they reached a section of the deep roads that looked familiar to her. Thank the gods she thought. At least now there was light and the end of the tunnel and they might just all survive this. She smiled at them all feeling hopeful for the first time in days. Carver was the only one who did not look happy he just looked exhausted. She studied his posture, and the features on his face. There was something familiar about the way he looked but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

He looked ready to collapse, "Do you mind if we stop for a bit. I don't feel so good."

She sighed, "I don't think any of us feel good after that last meal."

"Must have been those deep mushrooms we ate." Varric said and laughed.

"No, it's not that" and she watched him collapse to the ground."

Her world became crystal clear and she remembered Aveline's husband Wesley and the look he had when the blight had spread.

"Carver" she called and ran over to him. She got on her knees next to him and brought his head in her lap.

"It's the blight isn't it" he asked already knowing the answer. "I'm going to end up like Wesley aren't I?"

"No, we are going to get you out of here"

She heard Varric say something but she was hardly paying attention anymore.

"Sister please, it's too late. I can feel it spreading fast now, it won't be long. Don't let me die like this. Please"

Her heart was breaking as she knew what he was asking her to do. Not Carver too, not him, Bethany's loss had been bad enough, had tortured her for so many nights, why him too? Everything she had done after father's death, all the hard decisions she had made to ensure their survival, mother's disconnection, her siblings starvation, and the acts she was forced to do by all those… it had all been for nothing. In the end she couldn't save them, but became the cause of their death. He groaned in pain and looked into her eyes pleading with her silently to end his agony. She stared back into his and nodded.

"Take care of mother. You're all she has now." He said the words almost being her undoing. "Can you sing one last song for me?" He asked.

She smiled sorrowfully, "Anything brother" already knowing what song he wanted.

He closed his eyes and the features on his face smoothed out. He would be with father and Bethany soon.

She closed her eyes and placed her hand over his heart and softly sang to him.

_"Of all the money that ere I spent, I spent it in good company._  
_And of all the harm that ere I've done, alas it was to none but me._  
_And all I've done for want of wit, to memory now I cannot recall._  
_So fill to me the parting glass. Goodnight and joy be with you all._

_Of all the comrades that ere I had, are sorry for my going away,_  
_And of all the sweethearts that ere I had , would wish me one more day to stay,_  
_But since it falls unto my lot that I should rise and you should not,_  
_I will gently rise and I'll softly call, "Goodnight and joy be with you all!"_

She removed the dagger from her boot, steeling herself. A moment's courage is all it would take. She pushed the dagger quickly into his heart.

_"Goodnight and joy be with you all"_ her voice cracking badly with grief. His eyes had jerked open at the sudden pain but closed and she watched the smile spread over his face as his spirit left his body.

She sat there for a time unable to move, unable to speak. She heard them talking to her, but she wasn't listening to the content of their words. She just sat their staring at Carver's unmoving body. _This is all a dream_ she thought_, this isn't really happening_. She would wake up soon and her brother would be snoring soundly. It couldn't end this way…she had tried too hard for it to end this way. How did it all amount to nothing…how could the gods let it all be for nothing. It wasn't until they tried to move his body that she truly saw her companions. A choking sound escaped her throat as all her pain, her regret, her guilt, her despair built inside her like the exponential growth of a coming hurricane. They were a torrent raining down upon her as all her memories bombarded her at once. The three people that had meant the most in her life were now gone leaving her behind to pick up the remains.

A scream built in her throat threatening to overtake her. Her fists clenched so tight she felt the sharp pain and the small trickle of blood as it leached out between her fingers and fell onto the ground. Her head throbbed and her whole body shook and she finally cracked. It started as a rumbling in the back of her throat erupting to a full blown explosion that didn't cease until all the breath in her lungs was gone. She shrieked again and again each one more horrible than the last until the wracking sobs took over. They wouldn't stop as the force of the flood gates had already been let loose. She felt strong soft blue glowing arms wrap around her body, holding her until she could cry no more. After the tears finally relented she sat their laying in his strong embrace, waiting for the moment he would release her. When he didn't she closed her eyes and laid more deeply into him taking in all the security it offered. There was a feeling of rightness to it, like a circuit finally being completed after so many years of being ignored. Her mind drifted slowly as the exhaustion claimed her, drawing her down into its sweet embrace. It was the first time in many years that she would sleep and not dream.

**This is the first time I have written a death. I hope the loss was translated well on paper. Please Review let me know what you think and Follow if you haven't yet. Many more still to come. Until next time...**


	4. Martyr

_Disclaimer: Bioware owns all...Enjoy_

_They turned a corner and there it was. He heard a shout of joy behind him followed by the whoosh of air as she sprinted past to the entrance some thirty yards ahead. As soon as she made it outside she fell to her knees her head thrown back as the sunlight poured over her. His eyes played tricks on him as he could have sworn the sun had not shined until she had emerged at that very moment, and now she glowed like a beacon. He shook his head at the image and continued to walk forward. A song emerged from her lips, the same song he had heard every time she woke for the past few weeks. The gentle note soothed the ever present throb of the lirium in his skin. He closed his eyes taking what little pleasure it offered. It was a custom he had grown attached to over the past weeks and would miss sorely. _

_It was a comfort to see her so happy again. Their entire trip back she had barely said a word, her eyes always focused on some far off point, seeing but not really seeing. She gave one word responses to every question asked, her normal charismatic behavior was replaced with a shell of indifference. The sound of her screams still haunted him as she lay in the circle of his arms. He would prefer having his skin flayed from his body than to hear that sound again. He had been unable to stop himself from grabbing her, hoping to somehow ease the pain._

_He heard Varric swear an oath and glanced over at the dwarf. His eyes were locked on Hawke's distant form as she sang. He looked again and had to rub his eyes to be sure what he was seeing was real. She was still kneeling, her eyes closed, the glow still illuminating her entire form but that wasn't the amazing thing. From where he and Varric were standing her skin looked like it was on fire and just above her was something translucent, he couldn't make out what it was but it looked like it encircled her entire body. Had he not heard her singing he might have panicked, but kneeling there so peacefully she looked like some sort of goddess. Her song stopped, he blinked, and everything was normal again. _

_Varric whispered to him, "What in the name of Andraste was that? You did see that right, I wasn't hallucinating?" _

_Fenris frowned, "I have no idea."_

_They made it to her side and the smile that lit up her face was so liberating to see that he couldn't help but half smile back at her. The sun had healed something in her and it seemed she was almost normal again._

_"Maker it's good to see you smile again Hawke." Varric commented._

_Her grin got wider, "I can't tell you how good it feels to be in the sunlight." _

_Varric just chuckled and shook his head not understanding._

_She sighed in happiness, "It's brings a sense of peace to all the chaos in my life. I only truly feel like myself when I sing." _

_She got to her feet glancing around at her surroundings. "So how far away from Kirkwall are we?"_

_Varric shrugged, "If we're unlucky a week"_

_Hawke cocked an eyebrow, "And if we're lucky?"_

_"If we're lucky maybe we'll stumble upon Bartrand's corpse along the way."_

_She laughed a high jingling sound. "If only…"_

He awoke the same way he had every morning since that trip, annoyed and alone. It had been three years since that trip and most of the group was gathering today to commemorate. He had no desire to be there but had been forced by an ever persuasive Varric.

He took another swig of his wine and grimaced at the sour bitter taste. It clanked down on the table and he glared at the man across from him. He liked Donnic well enough but his good humor and easy going manner were grating on his current mood. The room started to spin at an alarming rate and he knew he was well and truly drunk. Donnic had been matching him drink for drink and the man barely slurred a word. He had to admit he was impressed. Donnic uncorked the flagon, refilled Fenris's glass not spilling a drop and then refilled his own.

He stared down at his hands, clenching them around the glass wishing nothing more that he could take it and throw it against the wall. He hated mages, magisters, apostates, malefacarim, all of them. Three years he had hung in that hell hole of a house waiting for Denarius to come back and the bastard had yet to make a move. He hated Hawke for being mage, somehow he had managed to surround himself with more mages, and that made him hate her more. Three years he had waited and still the rage never stopped, never eased, never changed. Three years of doing nothing but following Hawke around only added fuel to the fire. That time in the deep roads was nothing but a distant memory. The feel of her curled against him was a moment of weakness he could not forgive himself for. Three years she had festered in his mind. He hated that she haunted his thoughts, consumed his dreams, and he still couldn't bring himself to leave her. He hated the way she smiled at him and the way his whole world would light up at the act, the way she sang and how his body would betray him and focus only on the sound of it. Three years…..Three years!…..and nothing had happened.

"A toast" Donnic offered

He sighed "What are we toasting this time" he said taking another swig from his glass.

Donnic hesitated giving it some thought, "How about to freedom?"

"There is no such thing" Fenris derided.

"Of course there is, Fenris, you have the freedom to choose, it's no one's fault but your own that you chose to be a masochist."

"You should stop talking now." He warned.

"Is that a threat?" Donnic taunted, "You know you should just talk to her because your misery affects the decisions you make on the battlefield and it is by sheer dumb luck no one has gotten seriously hurt yet."

"And you would know how exactly?"

"People talk Fenris, not that they would have to. It's written all over your face."

"I have never put anyone in danger" he said calmly, his rage simmered just below the surface waiting for release

"That's for sure" Donnic said deliberately goading him. "You haven't done much of anything except wallow at your circumstances in life. There's a war brewing, this tender peace between the Qunari and the people of this city isn't going to last much longer. And I have news for you elf, no one gives a mabari's shit about you tender sensibilities. You need to act or just move on, but do something."

The only thing that gave him satisfaction was the look of surprise on Donnic's face when he launched himself over the table at him, knocking him off of his stool. Donnic rolled to his side deflecting the blow and he lunged at him again knocking the bottle of wine into the fire where it burst providing a ruddy backdrop for their brawl. They managed to stagger to their feet.

They were both so drunk that their punches lacked the accuracy or strength of sobriety. As it was he was still surprised by the force behind Donnic's punches as they traded blows. His rage gave him the needed adrenaline as he launched himself again at Donnic in a wordless cry. By now their altercation had drawn the attention of the rest of the bar, the citizens in there brown nondescript clothing, the Templars in their shiny armor and the soldiers of the guard in their more battle marred garb. They formed a circle around them shouting encouragements for their comrades as they brawled like a couple of drunken sailors.

Fenris didn't know who was getting the better of the fight. His battle trained reflexes had him working on instinct more than anything and he guessed Donnic's guard training was the only thing that was saving him from serious injury. His mind was to wine muddled to think much through, other than trading hit or miss blows with his equally inebriated adversary. His fist connected with Donnic's face splitting his lip and he was able to get two more punches in his gut before Donnic blocked. He felt a feral grin form on his face as he had the man at a disadvantage now clearly favoring his side.

The breathtaking assault of icy water brought the battle to an abrupt halt.

Fenris backed up shaking the water from his drenched hair as Donnic backed off and did the same. They both looked for the source of the interruption and made eye contact with Aveline, who stood not two paces away, holding a bucket in her hands, her eyes thunderous. Hawke stood just behind her with a look of barely concealed amusement.

"Is there something you gentlemen need to discuss in private?" she said with a glare that was colder than the water she had thrown on them.

Fenris glanced at Donnic who was now looking rather sheepish in the presence of his guard captain. His eyes were beginning to blacken and bruise and there was blood trickling down his chin, his normal immaculate clothing torn and mudded. Fenris had no doubt he looked just as bad.

Donnic stuttered, "Fenris and I were just…comparing the differences in hand to hand combat between guard training compared to…Tevinter training, guard captain." He explained as he gasped for air. "We had just moved into the more practical assessment of those skills." He said with a grin at Aveline.

"Is that so?" Aveline replied with a glower. "And what do you have to say for yourself?" she said glancing in Fenris's direction.

Fenris straightened still trying to catch his breath. He glanced at his comrade as he debated what to say, "I'd say both styles have their tactical advantages given the right circumstances, however.."

"Oh spare me!" Aveline cried. "Now if you two are done your …debate there is something Hawke and I need to discuss with you, Fenris. I will see you back in the barracks, Donnic." She said dismissing him.

Donnic saluted smartly and made his way out of the bar.

Hawke was grinning at him, "So, that was quite the display and masculine prowess."

He felt his lips curling slightly at her comment. His mood had lightened considerably after releasing some of the tension that had been bottled up for much too long. He would have to thank Donnic later. He glanced at her and noticed the stormy grey of her eyes as they studied him intensely. He straightened at her scrutiny.

"So you and Aveline wanted to speak with me."

Her expression became serious, her eyes lost and she closed herself off.

"He's back. The man that raped me and it appears there might be some connection with Denarius but it is unclear if it just happens to be a coincidence."

This surprised him greatly. "How exactly did you find this out?"

Her voice became completely devoid of any emotion. "I've had Aveline keep tabs as well as Varric for any rumor of his return. She got some intelligence pointing that he would be arriving in Kirkwall soon and the vessel's origins are Minrathous. Like I said it could just be a coincidence but I thought you should know in any case."

"Thank you, Hawke." And he actually meant it.

She shrugged and made to leave.

"What's his name?" he asked unwilling to let her leave so easily.

She looked back into his eyes, searching for something, after a quiet moment she replied, "Damin" then she huffed at some memory. "The wind of death."

He snorted, "Don't tell me he actually chose that name."

The ghost of a smile crossed her lips, "I actually used to call him 'the waste of breathe'."

He admired her mirth and choked down his laugh. He hesitated, unsure if he should voice his question. "What happened? What did he do?"

The fear was back in her eyes, "Not now, maybe later, just not now."

He immediately felt guilty. "Well let's find out if 'the Waste of Breathe' has any connections to Denarius. I have a few contacts that might be able to provide some insight. Would you like to come?"

"Very much" she said. She looked positively fierce at the prospect of bringing an end to the object of her torment.

She brushed passed him and he caught the faint scent of her vanilla soap and the leather she so often wore. It brought back the feel of her cuddled next to him heaving out terrible sobs as she cried over her brother. He bit back the groan that nearly escaped his throat. He clenched his hands in to fists and slowly released them as the memory of the softness of her skin assaulted him.

He shook his head visibly. Maker, he never thought one moment of weakness could torment him the way she did.

PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL


	5. Crucify

**Updated: 6/13/2013**

Chapter 5: Crucify

She sat with the group at their usual table, running her finger around the rim of her long forgotten glass as it created a low humming sound. Fenris sat across from her, long since sober after their lengthy silent trek to meet with his contacts. The information disturbed her more than she could say. It appeared there was a connection between Denarius and Damin but as to what that was or the reason for it was still unknown. Somewhere in the back of her mind she realized Fenris was staring at her, studying her expressions, but she was so lost in dark thoughts of memories long past that the knowledge didn't register.

If there was one regret she had in her life it was agreeing to sleep with that horrible man. Had she not been so desperate for money to survive, had her father not died, had her mother not just stared at the wall day after day, until the days became weeks and the weeks became months none of this would be happening. Or would it? Fate had a funny way of playing out sometimes.

What else could she have done? They needed to eat. She couldn't stand to go home with nothing again and to look at her siblings faces as they all slowly starved to death. She had to take care of Carver and Bethany, as they could only do so much being years younger than she was. Bethany was still so innocent, her magic still very shaky. Her sister spent her time taking care of mother and tending what little vegetable garden they did have while Carver, much to her dismay, was mad at the world and wanted nothing more than to leave them all. She would have been happy enough to see him go but somehow he knew his twin, Bethany, wouldn't handle it well, so he stayed.

So she found work…as a whore. It happened by accident really when an older woman had heard her playing her mandolin on the side of the street for money. As it turned out that woman was Madame Luzerne, who ran a local establishment known only to the rich nobles who had the money to afford such entertainment. She was first primped and pampered, her body being scrubbed, waxed of all hair and then lathered in scented oils. She was taught of every possible way to please a man and then put on display for a week so all the men could see her. Her virginity had been sold to the highest bidder, shortly after she created quite the sensation, her first blood was the highest anyone had ever paid. The thought disgusted her, and she squirmed in her seat unknowingly.

Apparently she was quite breathtaking, her prices ran a bit steeper than most, why that was she didn't know but men continued to pay it. The one thing that had been positive about working there was she had the last say in who she slept with, if she didn't like him one of the other girls usually picked him up. It was not expected that she sleep with her clients only to pleasure them in whatever matter they desired. She managed to avoid it on occasion by servicing men in other ways but more often than not they wanted it all.

A hand clamped down on hers to stop it from tracing the edge of her glass. She blinked, clearing her head and looked up to find Fenris's eyes locked on her with an unfathomable expression.

"The vibration is driving me mad, please stop."

"Huh…..Oh…sorry" she muttered absently and looked away again.

She caught his frown, apparently having expected some other answer.

"Would you like to go home, I can walk with you."

She glanced back at him, fixing him with her eyes and cocked her head to the side as she tried to understand this sudden change in character. It was unlike him show concern, normally he was so guarded in any emotion, other than anger of course. That one he had no problem expressing.

"Ok…."she said hesitantly, "I suppose I should try and sleep, although I don't foresee that happening."

They got up from the table and waved at the others. A loaded silence was all they received back as many must have noticed something she didn't. But whatever.

They walked down the streets without saying a word. It was a quiet she didn't mind at all. There was no need to fill the air with idle chattering with him but he continued to glance over at her from time to time. She studiously ignored it, playing the game she had learned to well at The Lost Pearl. In fact it was the reason Damin hadn't left her alone.

The man felt off when he first approached her, she was singing when he came in, as she often did when she wasn't with someone else, and he had been unable to take his eyes off her the entire time, a whole hour had passed this way as she flirted with him from a distance. Had she known what would transpire she would have put a knife in his throat then and there. Unfortunately that was not the choice she had made. He was nothing but kind when they talked but she could sense a darkness in him. There was something not right behind his eyes and it disturbed her, so she had said no. When he had offered her any amount of money just to sleep with him, she had hesitated, thinking how much she would be able to provide for her family for the next weeks or possibly months from one man's uncontrollable need to have her.

_She glanced back at him with one eyebrow raised, "Ok, fifty sovereigns and I'm yours" she said thinking the price would be way too outrageous._

_He hadn't even batted an eye, "Done" and he went to pay Madame Luzerne. She had watched his retreating form in complete shock before it gave way to giddiness as she thought she might be able to quit doing this and find another form of work in the mean time. _

_They went back to her room and she carefully set the mood by lighting some candles and discarding some of her more obtrusive garments. She stood before him in only a red corset and black lace panties. He sat down on the bed and pulled her on top of him. "Just so you know I would have paid any price just to see you naked before me."_

_She smiled but underneath she was disappointed she had not asked for more, she also wondered where he got such money to be able to afford that price. He ran his fingers along the top edge of her corset and she slapped his hand lightly away. _

"_Rules first" she teased, "No whipping, no kissing, no knives or anything that sheds blood, no violent abuse of any kind, I like it rough but not to the point that I will be bruised for days afterwards," she explained nonchalantly, no tying me up or restraining until after the first encounter, and no marking me unless I request it. I think that about covers it. Any questions?" she asked lightly._

_His eyes were devouring her, "None at all. Can we get started?" _

_It had started out innocent enough and she had almost convinced herself that she had imagined it all. He was just like any other man, he just happened to be rich. _

_If only that had been the case._

_She smiled down at him. His hands grabbed her corset and ripped it open. She gasped, "You're going to have to pay for that." Her breasts fell out and he just stared for a moment. He ran his hands up the curvature of her waist and pulled her against his body. He buried his face in the softness of her breasts lightly nipping and sucking at her now taught nipples. She panted that all too familiar ache starting between her legs. _

_She pushed him down on the bed and came to one side of him as she undid his pants. He pulled her closer to him and slid a finger up between her legs. She groaned quietly as he slid his finger in and out of her while she released his cock from the restraints of his clothing. She made gentle circles around the tip with her tongue and slow wet lines down the shaft, teasing him. He groaned loudly throwing his head back against the bed as she slowly brought him into her mouth._

_That was when things started to get more aggressive. He had pushed her back off the bed and stood in one smooth motion. She looked up the long line of his hard body and waited. He grabbed her by the hair then and moved her face to his cock and she happily obliged having had quite a few men do this to her to their completion. He took control having hold of her by the hair as he pushed himself into her mouth and she sucked as he pulled her head back and forth more and more rapidly over his shaft. He groaned in pleasure, her eyes flicked up at him to see him gazing at her with an intensity that was frightening because behind it was something more malicious than she would have liked. She pulled her head back pushing against his hands and she heard him growl. _

_He had started to take control then. She felt the magic crawl over her skin before she realized what was happening. He was holding her in place taking away ability to move. He continued to make her gag on his cock until she felt like she would pass out from not being able to breath and when he tired of that he released her from the spell and threw her on the bed. She gathered her magic intending to blast him across the room but she felt it drain rapidly and then it just wasn't there. He tsked. _

"_Oh little bird you forgot to say no magic." He pinned her arms with one hand above her head and before her body was ready he thrust himself inside of her. She cried out in pain and he smiled with wicked glee. _

_"You belong to me now" he snarled at her. _

_The look in his eyes was frightening. It was more than just a need for dominance it was a need to violate and humiliate her until she no longer knew who she was. He enjoyed her pain and fear, and enjoyed being the one to inflict it. She withdrew slowly inside herself to escape the anguish of what was happening. _

_He finished some time later when every orifice of her body had been penetrated, bruised, battered and owned by him. She quickly gathered her things and kicked him out of the room and banned him from ever returning. He had promised he would be back for her. She had said nothing because she fully intending on being gone from this place by then. _

_That was her last day at The Lost Pearl. Having her cut of the profits she was able to purchase food. She had returned to her home on the very edge of town and her family had eaten well for the first time in months. That was just the beginning though…._

"Hawke have you heard a word of what I said" Fenris asked looking rather worried.

She knew the guilt shone on her face, "No Fenris sorry."

His brow furrowed and his lips became a thin line, "I do have an idea what you're going through. While you might not want to tell me you should tell someone"

She scowled at him annoyed by his audacity, "Why so you can judge the decisions I've made in my life."

He frowned, "I would not judge you, I know how deceptive mages can be."

"You talk as if I'm not one. I may not like what I am but I am a mage."

He looked away and appeared troubled, "Trust me when I say that fact has not been forgotten."

Her face hardened, "Perhaps you should get the courage to confide in me first."

He smirked at the ground, "Touché, Hawke, Touché"

Silence again settled over them and it didn't take long for her mind to pick up where it left off.

_More than two years later she traveled to Lothering just to get some supplies. She made her trips there as short as possible at first, to avoid the chance of Damin finding her. She originally had no doubt he would come back and search for her when he did. She knew he had traveled to Minrathous to do research and Lothering was just a stop in his journey. He was from beyond the Frostback Mountains, on route to Denerim and from there would take a boat for Minrathous. It would undoubtedly be a long trip for him so she figured he would find some other object to focus his demented desire on. She sang at the local Inn every weekend as an extra source of income and her family lived off the money Damin had given her for a long time. Her mother slowly came out of her depression and started mending clothes for money, Carver soon joined the guard and was shortly heading out to Ostagar as rumors of the blight had spread. By the time he had finally come for her she had all but forgotten him in every day to day life. _

_She sat at her usual spot in the corner of the Inn writing music when a foreign man walked in the entrance and scanned the room. When he spotted her he walked up to her table and blocked the rays of sunshine that came in through the window illuminating her work. She ignored him completely focused solely on her writing. He cleared his throat to get her attention._

"_You are Elise are you not?" he asked with a heavy accent. She looked up at the man in irritation. He was a little heavier set, had a brown beard, brown eyes, and nondescript but taken care of clothing. "Damin, the Wind of Death, requests your services" he said simply like there was no possible reason she would refuse. She felt her stomach clenched a little and her heart skipped a beat. She was pleased that when she spoke her voice betrayed nothing but indifference._

"_You can tell Damin I am no longer in the business, now if you don't mind I'm a bit busy." She turned back to her work._

_The man looked confused unsure of how to react so he walked out of the tavern. Seconds later she heard a cacophony of raised voices outside and saw the man who had just approached her talking to two other much better clothed individuals. _

"_You don't give her a choice you imbecile, you go in there and drag her out by the hair if you have to, the Wind of Death wants her. Do you want to be the one to tell him that she said no so you left, because I would like to keep my life."_

_Wow, she thought, he must have moved up in the world. She started packing her things when she saw the man head back towards the tavern. She let out a loud sigh and looked at the innkeeper. _

"_Do you mind if I use your back door?"she asked._

_He looked worried for her. "You do whatever you need to do, Elise, just be careful."_

_She smiled at him, "I'll be fine, I know all the hiding spots in this town better than anyone."_

_The man came back in, walking up to her. "I must insist Madame that you come with me."_

_She looked at him askance, "I'm sorry honey but I have more important things to attend to and they don't include entertaining the Waste of Breathe." She made a quick motion with her hand paralyzing him in place and made her way quickly to the back door._

_Once she was out in the alley she heard a shout from someone keeping watch and three men started down after her. _

_"Well shit!"she cursed and took off down the alley._

_She dodged and weaved through the dirty back streets of town, dumping over trash canisters and any other large items that would block the path. She shot a fireball behind her hoping to slow them down enough for her to get away. At the next opening into the main thoroughfare she dashed out and pulled her brown cloak up over her head attempting to disguise herself. Through sheer force of will she made herself slow down as every muscle in her body screamed "DON'T STOP". Her breathing eventually calmed and she followed the direction of traffic hoping they would lose her in the crowd. _

_She heard them emerge from the alley yelling at each other to spread out. Her heart instantly started to pound a little faster as her instinct to get away kicked into gear again. She kept her head down and took a slow deep breath and calmed her mind, making a plan in her head of what she would do should they find her. _

_Had it not been for the for the training she received at the Lost Pearl, training every new girl learned before taking unknown men to bed she wouldn't have made it any further. She sighed to herself as Fenris's footsteps echoed hers. Not that any of that made a difference in the end. _

_She bumped into a man barely looking and mumbled an apology. A rough hand grabbed her by the arm and jerked her around to face him. She made eye contact with the man as he wrapped his arms around her small frame._

"_Gotcha" he said his breath stinking of stale beer and shit. _

_She pushed back against him, repulsed by the smell, "Do all of you idiots eat pig shit for breakfast, Maker's Breath."_

_He released one arm and roughly grabbed her breast, pinching her nipple painfully through the rough fabric of her top. "I wouldn't be talking like that if I was you whore, because once you begin to bore him you'll be given to us for entertainment and not all of our tastes run pain-free." _

_She grinded her body against his and whispered in his ear, "Maybe I like a little pain" and leaned back smiling at him deviously. He growled, both hands going for the bottom of her top, intending to yank it up she guessed but it never got that far. With one lighting quick strike she kneed him in the balls. He collapsed to the ground clutching his groin, _

_"Bitch" he groaned._

_She took off running down the street as the other three flunkies became aware of her location from Shit Breath screaming to get her. She couldn't use her magic here; there were too many people, too many templars watching. She turned down a side street that would lead out to a farm and eventually the road to her home. She cast a glyph of paralysis behind her to slow her attackers down enough for her to get away. Her breath came in short gasps as she sprinted out full force. She was approaching the end and could see the farm shining like a beacon of hope when an arm shot out at the last moment and clothes lined her. _

_Her head jerked back as her body kept going forward. She was unable to get her hands up in time and she hit the ground full force. All the breath went out of her. She clawed at the ground as her body tried terrible hard to bring more air into her lungs. _

_It wouldn't enter. _

_She was terrified as she gasped like a fish out of water for that first breath. For one fleeting moment she thought she would die and then the first blessed lungful came in followed instantly by another and another. She was breathing and coughing, her eyes saw nothing but stars. The impact left her dazed as she kept blinking repeatedly trying to clear her vision. Her body was one big mass of pain and she began to curl into a ball. She heard a soft chuckle as a blurry dark figure reached down and grabbed her arm. He picked her up and hoisted her over his shoulder. The movement made her want to vomit and then the world was spinning and she did. The man cursed but she couldn't think about that much as immediately after the darkness claimed her and the pain was gone. _

She glanced up and they were at her home. She felt the fear tighten something in her gut, twisting and wrenching, and she felt the world crash down around her. For the first time in her life since coming to Kirkwall she wanted to run, run to the next town, next city, anywhere that wasn't where he was. It was ridiculous, she had killed countless dark spawn, defeated high dragons and rid the world of so many shades and yet she was scared of a single man.

She took a glimpse at Fenris and for once began to understand what it was to be in chains, and she was in chains. She just hadn't recognized it for what it was until now, until he came back.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" She asked the elf and then realized how it sounded, "I mean just stay there, not do anything, I just…I don't want to go home."

"My place isn't exactly the picture of cleanliness"

She almost smiled at that, "I'll say. There's still a rotting corpse in your foyer." She was quiet for a moment longer, "Please, I'll tell you what happened, just let me stay."

He seemed to weigh it in his mind, "Alright" he said hesitantly.

Moments later she was staring into the roaring fire of Fenris's fireplace, just staring, not really seeing what was right in front of her. She was lost in the memories of her past as she recounted the horrific experience at Damin's hands.

_He glared down at her bruised and beaten body. The magebane cut into her arms completely cutting her off from the fade. _

_"Did you really think you could escape me? I always get what I want" he hissed._

_His face softened as he walked up and kneeled in front of her slumped form. He grabbed her face with both hands and leaned his forehead against hers, willing her to look into his eyes. _

_"Why do you fight me so, everyone breaks, they always break. You are nothing without me, don't you see that? Nothing. I would offer you the world if you would be at my side. I will make all of your dreams come true. Just fear me, love me, and I will be your slave." He bent to bring his lips to hers and she turned her face to avoid it._

_She felt the rage burn within him as he backed away and backhanded her in the face. She fell to the floor and curled in a ball, her cheek throbbing as she hugged herself desperately. She willed herself to be anywhere but there, prayed that she could just disconnect like before. She felt it then, something in the back of her mind, a sweet song on the edge of her awareness. She tried to grasp it, hold onto anything that would take her away from where she was. He kicked her in the stomach and she felt it slip through her fingers. She cried out._

"_Stop! Please stop. I'll give you what you want, just stop."_

_He smiled and immediately fell to the ground and scooped her up in his arms. He whispered into her ear, "You belong to me now, body and soul." He whispered as his grip on her tightened._

_She rebelled inside, hating herself just a little for giving in so easily. She lay there in his arms and refused to respond. _

_He sighed, "You think that I cannot feel the resistance in you. I will break you, my dear that I can promise you." _

_I will not break, not for you, not for anyone, she thought. But she didn't have the strength to say it knowing what it would provoke. A small crack formed inside her that day..._

Her voice came out disconnected as if she were recounting events that had happened to someone else.

"It was about a week before I got away. In his arrogance he stopped posting guards on me after I gave myself to him night after night. He thought he had won. I snuck out one night, managed to incapacitate the two guards that got in my way and ran into the forest. I had no idea where I was and I got lost pretty quickly. I just wanted to put as much space between Damin and I as I possibly could. He sent a large group of his minions out to chase after me and eventually they caught me. I had no way to defend myself. My magic was gone and though I struggled they had their way with me and then tried to bring me back to him."

"What do you mean tried?" his raspy voice whispered.

She let out a long sigh and closed her eyes. "I'm not sure what happened next. They had beaten me so badly that I pretty much convinced myself that it wasn't real. I was barely conscious when it came and burnt them to a crisp. It was a great fiery beast or at least it looked that way. I blacked out right after it happened and that was it. I woke a few hours later among the burnt bodies and charred landscape. To this day I don't know what happened or how, but I am grateful for it, whatever it was."

When she glanced up at him he was watching her, waiting patiently for her to say more.

She continued, "It wasn't long after that when the betrayal at Ostagar occurred and my brother barely escaped with his life. We managed to escape Lothering and I didn't hear a thing about Damin or if he even survived The Blight, that is until he came to Kirkwall."

Her eyes flicked to his face. His expression was stern and impassive as he stared away into the fire.

She looked back at the fire. "So you know it all now, all of the gory details." She was afraid to ask the next question. Her muscles tensed and an intense heat filled her face. "Are you sure you still want to travel with me?" She couldn't look at him, afraid of what she would see.

She felt a hand on her arm and when she refused to look at him the same hand gripped her chin and turned it towards him.

She stared at the ground where he sat, memorizing the ridges in his black armor and where the buckles connected to the different pieces. She felt him huff in irritation and she finally brought her eyes up to his. What she saw there was something she didn't expect…understanding.

"Nothing you could tell me could make me leave you now. We all have dark pasts, but it is not who we are now. It's not who you are now."

She snorted, "That's funny coming from you."

She could tell her remark irked him.

"Fine, then I will tell you a story. Do you know what today is? This day three years ago was the day I ran from Denarius."

He recounted his brutal slaughter of the fog warriors on Seheron and his later escape from Denarius. She listened quietly asking questions here and their but more or less just letting him talk. They were so similar, more than she could have ever known. But who would be the first to release the chains that bound them. Because the chains bowed their backs, slowly ate at their souls, fed their hate and hopelessness, and broke their hearts.

The both stared into the fire sitting next to each other, not saying a word. There were so many emotions so close to the surface. She focused on it. Their bodies emanated with it, the vibrations forming something between them, a sweet melody that existed just on the edge of her awareness. The chains pulled her down back into the abyss and the harmony between them ceased. How much longer would it be before her spirit finally broke and she found herself drowning in a sea of hopelessness?


	6. Falls Apart

**_Updated: 6/18/2013 _**

_She was dreaming. She knew she was dreaming as she approached the little home they had in Lothering. The sun was coming through the trees casting shadows on the ground. Her house looked like it appeared before her father had died. There were red and yellow lilies flowering in the windows and their vegetable garden was in full bloom. She walked into the house and a smell of baking apple pie tickled her nose. Her mouth began to water as she made her way into the kitchen. Her father was there taking one out of the oven and putting it on the windowsill. She watched him and her eyes began to tear. Her father turned around and smiled at her. She ran into his arms and embraced him. All the pain that lingered so close to the surface finally overwhelmed her. She started to cry more in earnest now as she realized the depth of the despair she had been in without him._

_"I've missed you daddy. It has been so hard without you."_

_"I know my dear, I know" his arms wrapped around her tightly. "My little Sunsinger is all grown up." He pulled back to look at her. "Stop crying it will be ok."_

_Her eyes flicked to his face then away again, "No it won't. I've been lost without you. I got Bethany and Carver killed, mother blames me and has no qualms of telling me so, had I just stayed in Lothering, had I…"_

_He grabbed both sides of her face and made her look into his eyes._

_"Had you stayed in Lothering you would all be dead now." He said sternly. "You are not to blame for Bethany or Carver's death. Your mother is in pain and refuses to let it go, so in turn she hurts you. She will accept it eventually it will just take time. But in the meantime you must learn to rise through all of that and stop blaming yourself. Your guilt will kill you." _

_His hands slid to her shoulders putting them an arm's length away. _

_She sighed and looked down at the ground, "It is so hard and I don't know how." She knew she was whining now._

"_Stop!" his voice commanded and she cringed._

"_This is not who you are and this is not who I raised you to be." His voice was hard and reprimanding. "If you focus on the past you will be stuck in it. Concentrate on what can be done."_

_She snorted before she could stop herself. "Then what exactly am I suppose to do father."_

"_Accept it and move on" he snapped._

"_You say it as if it's so easy?" _

_His expression softened and he smiled at her knowingly, "Why do we fall, Elise?"_

_She laughed halfheartedly, "So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." She looked back into his eyes._

_"Yes and now you must rise. You are more powerful than you know, and more important to the world than you yet realize. Will you be like so many others in this world and cower in the face of fear, hatred, and darkness? Or will you embrace it, rise above and become something else entirely. But know that it is only you that can make that choice, no one else can make it for you."_

She awoke with a start, her eyes jerked open and she recognized the elf laying next to her. His hair had flopped over his eyes, his breathing was deep, his face smooth and expressionless. She had never seen him look so peaceful. She smiled and laid there watching him sleep for a few more moments before getting up quietly. She felt bad leaving and didn't know how to let him know she was ok. She knew he couldn't read but she felt weird being there when he woke. Then she had an idea, she removed her shoulder shield and her red sash that hung around her hips and tied the two together in a neat bow. She left it on his table as a symbol of her wellbeing. She made her way out of his room as silently as she could.

She walked home from Fenris's mansion and felt surprisingly rejuvenated on only the few hours' sleep. She walked her way quickly down to the docks and did her morning ritual. The fisherman smiled at her when she came and would wait to listen to her sing before casting off. She finished her song and waved to them and headed back towards her home. She planned on going up, taking a long hot bath and maybe going out to purchase some new clothes and armor, she was in desperate need of both. She opened the door to her house, and noticed the candles were burned down to the wick which was odd; usually mother blew them out before going to bed.

She got two steps in the house intending to go look for her mother when she felt a movement behind her. She remembered instantly who was after her and cursed herself for being so blind. She turned around and threw a fireball at the same moment something clicked around her neck. The intruder was blown backwards across the room and was dead on impact. It was someone she had never seen before. He was a big burly man with wavy blond hair that was down to his shoulders and severe facial features. He had to be one of Damin's men and the fear that coursed through her turned the blood in her veins to ice.

She pulled at the choker that now encircled her neck trying to find the clasp to remove it and found none. She felt that it was a metal of some kind and had a scroll like shape to it. She had no idea what it was but it must be something horrible if one of Damins's men would lose his life to put it around her neck. The adrenaline kicked in and behind her fear was a righteous anger that she could feel building with every step. She grasped on to it, letting it flare into a roaring flame. She focused on her hate of this man for what he had done to her. She let it sear through her veins making her heart beat faster, her muscles twitch, and her teeth clench with the need to scream her fury.

She left the dead man there and entered the main foyer where Bodhan and Sandal usually stood. The room was empty. They were missing as was her mother. She gathered her mana in preparation of an attack and the choker flared to life. The pain that in ensued was awful, it felt like magebane but only more focused, her neck burned and sizzled making her cry out before she could stop herself.

Deep Laughter echoed down the stairs that was more like nails grating across a chalkboard than an actual laugh. She held onto her rage unwilling to let the fear take hold again. He appeared at the top of the stairs and smiled, it was a gentle smile that belied the demented ugliness underneath. His hair was still black but was longer now almost reaching his shoulders. He looked almost sickly somehow, his eyes were sunken in with dark circles and his cheeks were more hollowed out than she remembered. He was flanked by six more men, four swordsmen and two bowmen.

"My little bird comes home at last. Tell me, whose bed have you been occupying." His voice slithered over her skin and she fought the need to visibly shake it off. She didn't reply, the less he knew the better.

His smile disappeared, "Still defiant I see. No matter, I can break you again." He gestured with his hand to his men, "Get her"

Two of the swordsman came down the stairs and she backed slowly towards the foyer door, weighing her options. If she managed to get to the front door she would be fast enough to escape but the arrows would complicate things. Both the men smiled at her grotesquely. Her eyes flicked up to the bowmen who had their arrows drawn. A few more feet she thought then she turned and dashed for the front door. She heard the thwap of an arrow being released followed closely by a gurgle from one of the men as the arrow intended for her speared him through the neck instead. The other whose reach was considerable longer grabbed her by the hair. She pulled against the strain and felt a chunk of it pull out of her scalp. Tears burst into her eyes, blurring her vision. She got to the front door and pulled it opened….

Her stomach plummeted as a man who took up the entire doorway was blocking her path. He fist connected with her face in a sickening crunch. Her vision exploded in stars and she smacked the ground before she could get her hands up. She rolled over and everything swam. She heard the front door close. The coppery taste of blood was invading her mouth and she knew he had broken something. The other man came up behind her and yanked her up by the hair. Her teeth clenched in pain at her already tender scalp, backpedalling to get on her feet as she clawed at his hands. He grasped her arms and pinned them at a painful angle behind her back.

Her vision cleared and Damin was directly in front of her now with four men behind him and two behind her. She seethed with anger, glaring at him with a wrath of hatred born from his treatment of her all those years ago. She wanted to hurt this man, she wanted to torture him until he begged for mercy, then she wanted to slice open his throat.

"If looks could kill boss I think you'd be dead." One of his thugs said flippantly.

He backhanded her across the unharmed side of her face and she slumped momentarily against the man holding her.

"You dare look at me like that!"

She quickly regained her footing and brought her eyes back up to his. She spit in his face. The blood and phlegm landed on his cheek much to her satisfaction. It was short lived after his expression became almost murderous. He raised a hand to hit her again and then stopped suddenly. He seemed to be listening to some voice only he could hear and then something flickered behind his eyes and his entire demeanor just changed. He flicked off the phlegm in a casual manner then waved a hand dismissively.

"Bring her upstairs to her room and lock the front door. We have to wait until nightfall to meet up with Hadriana. She still has to retrieve her master's pet and my little bird here is the way to do it."

The fear clenched her throat. So they did know who he was.

Three men carried her upstairs to her room and tied her to a chair. Two of them left after she was secure and the third stayed behind and stood dutiful right outside the door. She struggled with her bindings pulling and tugging at her arms. She tried conjuring fire and the choker flared to life again searing her already blistering neck. She only groaned this time. She could feel the heat blisters popping underneath the collar releasing their puss. She gritted her teeth against the pain trying to form a plan. She had to get out, had to warn Fenris, had to find her mother and her servants.

She heard talking outside her door as Damin gave instructions to one of his men.

"Take this to Hadrianna. You know where she's camped for the time being. News will reach the elf soon enough and I'm sure he will come with all of his friends to save her. We must be prepared."

The other man spoke. "Yes Magister. May I ask why we are working with that slime Denarius? I thought you hated him?"

She could hear the scorn in Damin's voice when he replied. "That is not your concern. It is a temporary arrangement that will benefit me in the long run. I have no intentions of seeing Hadriana survive the return trip."

She heard the footsteps as the guard left and then the door to her room opened and he walked in. His smile was a menacing thing with the promise of pain. He walked up to where she was tied and gently ran his hand along her jaw, tilting her head back.

"Oh how I've missed you."

She jerked her face away from him and she saw his body tense. Another blow came across her face and her head fell to the side. She stayed there while her vision cleared again. Another gush of blood flooded her mouth and she had to swallow the coppery taste or spit it out. She swallowed. He walked behind her running his hand across her shoulders. She involuntarily shrank away from his touch.

The sound of delight rang in his voice. "You will soon be begging for my touch little bird, because I will be the only release from your pain."

The rage inside her was a monstrous thing that hovered so close to the surface just waiting for a release.

"I will never ask for that, I would rather die."

Anger flashed through his features as he walked again in front of her. "You would if it was the only way your little lover would survive."

Fear washed through her as she realized she would do just that if the choice were forced upon her. A smile appeared on his face again and he pulled a knife from his waist.

"You see, love is weakness, love is the universal fault that will make us do that which we most abhor."

She didn't know how to respond, she had done so much in the name of love and it had done nothing but hurt her, so she didn't answer. It must have shown on her face because he spoke again. He picked up her chin and ran the flat of the blade across her cheek.

"You see the truth of it. I can see it in your eyes."

He stood and walked behind her again. She felt the snap of the bonds release around her hands followed closely by the ones holding her the chair. She continued to sit there. Attempting to escape was folly because he would stop her easily without access to her magic. Her wrath simmered, clenching her muscles and giving her strength.

"Get up!" he commanded.

She did not.

He sighed as he continued to walk in slow circles around her chair. There was a tingle of magic and her body refused to obey her command as she stood.

"That's better." He said.

She glared as he now stopped in front of her and gently ran his fingertips up her waist and over her breast pausing there for just a moment as he massaged her. She shuddered and a flash of memories came back. Fear coursed through her body again because she knew what was going to happen next. He brought his hand behind her neck and drew her close. His mouth crushed onto hers, his tongue demanding entrance. Her stomach churned and she wanted to vomit.

_No, no, no, no, no. This is not going to happen again_!

A rage driven by fear surged through her body and she grabbed onto her magic. The collar illuminated as it again seared through her neck. He jerked back releasing her and she gathered her mana, ignoring the agony. She could feel the distant note, a beautiful faint hum of sound and she grabbed onto it with all of her might.

She was going to kill him. She was going to kill them all. The collar became so bright, like a thousand candles. She called to the fire within her and she felt it respond. There was smoke emanating from her neck and the smell of burning meat.

She stood fast and for the first time she saw genuine fear and admiration in Damin's eyes. The agony threatened to overwhelm her. With one fury filled cry she released it.

The magic rebounded in the collar and she had a moment to see the hopelessness of what she had done, why he hadn't bothered to raise a hand against her, a moment to see… why resistance was futile.

And then it hit her.

She screamed and screamed, again and again, as fast as she could draw breath. She pulled effortlessly at the collar as her skin peeled away and she felt like every inch of her was being flayed all at once. Her sanity was cracking, something deep within her broke and then blessedly the darkness claimed her and she felt no more…

She awoke to dark room illuminated by candlelight. She was lying on her bed and had no idea what had happened. She stayed there for a time trying to figure out how she came to be there. And then the memory came back in a rush along with the contents of her stomach. She spewed onto the floor next, her head feeling like it were going to split open at any second.

After a moment she laid back. Her entire body throbbed and her skull was an agonizing ache. She tenderly touched her face and could tell her one eye was swollen shut. She gently sat up and felt something brush her neck and fall to the bed. She quickly swiped at the foreign object. Her fingers came away with hair. She looked at it curiously until she raised her hand habitually to brush the free stands back.

She stiffened.

Her long locks had been cut from her head leaving only an inch or two of hair at varying lengths. _Oh god, oh god, what did he do_. Her mind was a chaos of flashes and she turned around to look at the bed. All around the pillow lay her locks of hair that were haphazardly chopped from her head. She had never considered herself to be vain until that moment.

Moonlight from outside filtered in through the window. She got up quickly and opened the curtain. She turned to the mirror and stood staring in horror. Her hair was hacked off, so short in some areas that it stuck straight out and longer in others. She entire left hand side of her face was bruised a bluish purple and her left eye was swollen shut. Her neck was covered with welts and puss filled blisters from the collar that wrapped around it. She reached up to touch it tenderly and reeled as a sharp knife-like pain shot through the length of her collar and neck. Her shirt was torn, revealing bite marks all over her breasts that were quickly turning a deep dark purple. Her pants were missing and so were her undergarments. Her hips and legs had cuts and bruises littered about and there were dried rivulets of blood and semen down their length. She collapsed to her knees and vomited again all over her floor. She huddled in a ball in the corner and rocked herself slowly as despair took its hold.

Sometime later, she had no idea how much later, minutes, hours, days she didn't know nor did she care, her mind registered someone entering the room. She barely reacted.

"Time to go miss. Magister says it's time to leave."

When she didn't respond he pulled her to her feet. The pain didn't even bother her, just a sad reminder that she was still alive. He sat her on the bed and put her pants back on. He looked at her curiously for a moment as if pondering something. A rough hand brushed her exposed nipple and she closed her eyes.

_Please not again_.

A sharp yell from down stairs made the man jump. _A small mercy, _a voice seemed to say_._ She sat limply staring into nothingness. Her robe was pulled on her a tied at the waist. When he finished she was pulled to her feet and shuffled to the door. He ushered her down stairs. She moved down one step at a time her mind was somewhere else entirely. She stood at the front door staring at the ground not seeing. She felt a brush of someone's fingertips up her neck and her eyes shifted to see the source. He stood there with his mismatched eyes and a gleeful smile.

"Now this is more like it little bird."

She didn't respond. She didn't care. She just wanted to be left alone.

They arrived at a cave she didn't recognize and had no idea how she got there. If they walked she didn't remember it, nor did it matter. They placed her in a tent inside and left her alone.

She stayed in the abyss of her mind. Days, weeks, or months she didn't know. People came in and gave her food to eat and water to drink which she ignored. It wasn't until a few days passed that they made her eat, waiting until she finished, she tasted nothing, eating only so they would go away again. Once done she wouldn't move, just continued to stare.

There was a whisper at first something that existed only on the wind and she ignored it. More time passed… The voice grew in volume, calling out to her.

"_Elise, let me help you Elise_."

She ignored it again. More time passed…

"_I can heal your pain Elise. Make it go away_." The voice offered.

She didn't respond, annoyed at the intrusion. More time passed…

"_I can give you whatever you desire, Elise. Just tell me your greatest need._"

"_Can you bring back my brother and sister_?" she asked.

The voice hesitated, "_No, I cannot do that_."

"_Then you are of no use to me_" She said. And she was alone again.

Sometime later Damin was speaking to her. She had no idea what he was saying but he seemed to be fervent in doing so.

"_He pleads my case so eloquently_." The Voice said louder now. It had grown in strength now that she had acknowledged it.

"_Then make him go away his voice is grating on my ears_."

Damin suddenly stopped what he was saying and got up and left. More time passed….

"_Join me Elise and together we can control this world_"

"_And why would I do that?"_

"_I can give you everything your heart desires. You can live in peace and do as you wish with no fear of others."_

She was ready to command it to go then hesitated.

It seemed to sense that and spoke again. "_A life of no fear. A life of love._"

"_Yet you use a man who is evil and sadistic."_

"_Damin? __He is a means to an end, nothing more. He desires power, imbecile that he is, and that I have in an endless supply."_

"_Prove it and release me from this collar_."

The Voice sighed, "_I do not trust you so far as that._"

"_Then you are of no use to me_." She said again.

"_Through love or fear you will come to me, Elise_." And the Voice went silent once more.

That was when the screams began. Only a few at first but then they became almost an hourly ritual. She became aware of raised voices outside and a young elven woman was thrown in the tent with her. The woman was crying quietly lamenting her father's demise.

"They bled him dry. They bled my papa dry"

Damin walked in with another woman sometime later when the screams had stopped. She was black haired with a long face, and human.

"She doesn't look like much" the woman said almost laughing. The words meant nothing to her. And endless stream of babble that she ignored.

Damin became angry, "She is more powerful than the two of us combined, Hadrianna."

This caught her attention. She knew that name. She began to pay closer attention.

Hadrianna shrugged. "If you say so, but she looks pathetic."

"The Dark One knows and when she rises the world will tremble."

Hadrianna just scoffed, "Yes, well your Dark One doesn't seem to be very successful at the moment and he is running out of time."

"I have been assured that the Turning will occur at the right time."

The two mages left.

Their words made no sense to her so she chose to forget them. She only thought of Fenris hoping he was safe.

Shortly afterwards there was a scuffle outside and then a familiar dark haired scantily clad woman was thrown in with them. So familiar but she couldn't seem to remember.

"I will cut off your manhood you bastard." She cried back at them.

The woman was cursing to herself about volunteering to get caught. After a few moments she made eye contact with the woman, but she wasn't really seeing what was right before here. The woman's eyes widened in alarm and then Damin returned. Her mind went elsewhere.

"Where are your friends pirate? I know you are here for her. She won't hear you though someone else has her attention."

The woman glared back, "I have no idea where my friends are and even if I did I would never tell you. You had better run while you have the chance or you won't survive very long."

Laughter erupted from Damin's throat and travelled down her spine, it was the only thing that broke through and made her begin to process what was happening. She shivered in disgust.

The Voice came back, "_Join me Elise and I will give you enough power to kill all those that oppose you_."

She replied sharply. "_No I will never become one with the darkness_."

The Voice sighed, "_Through fear or love you will come to me, but make no mistake you will come to me_."

And the Voice was gone. The void closed in, swallowing her whole, and the world became silent.

She felt the tingle of energy. It crawled up her body one vertebrae at a time. It was gathering like a great damn waiting to burst from her skin. A breath of air that had nothing to do with mother nature traveled over her. She inhaled deeply. It was as scent she knew well and had dreamed of many nights. A voice of the past echoed through her mind.

_"Why do we fall?"_

Raised voices and the sound of steel on steel broke through the abyss. More shouting and screams of dying echoed against the walls. The tent flap was thrown open and a lithe individual shrouded in darkness entered. The eyes focused on her and knelt right in front of her cowering form. A hand ever so softly brushed her cheek and the eyes burrowed deep into hers, searching. There was a sound of something faint, a sweet melody that trembled down her form. The song within her soul answered and she knew who was kneeling before her. There was a distinct shouting that she ignored as the feel of his skin against hers encompassed her thoughts.

"Oh how adorable the lovers reunited"

He stood from his position in front of her and brandished his broad sword in one smooth swing. Magic marched over her skin like thousands of tiny ants and she knew what Damin was going to do.

Fenris launched himself in the air...


	7. You Might Die Trying

**Updated: 6/18/2013**

Nothing had felt as exquisite as the feel of her skin underneath his fingertips, as they glided and found their way behind her ears into her shorn hair. He grasped it and would have liked nothing better than to never let go again. He searched her eyes and after a moment saw the relief mirrored back at his own. His forehead rested against hers and he sent a quick prayer of thankfulness to whatever gods there were that she still lived. It was interrupted by Isabella.

"Fenris we need to go now!" and she slipped out of the tent with the elven girl.

Seconds later, a gaunt individual that reminded him disturbingly of a younger version of Denarius stepped into the tent. From the shudder that ran through her body at the mage's appearance he assumed this man was Damin.

"How adorable, the lovers are reunited."

The man even sounded like Denarius. Had he not known every nuance of his former master's face he would have sworn the man had grown young.

He stood slowly and stared down at the man. Another mage, another magister corrupted like so many others. Such blinding rage pulsed through his body, standing every hair of his body on end. It came off him in waves, his muscles tensed and his sword came out in a graceful twirl.

He would enjoy watching the light leave this man's eyes. He spared a glance at Hawke and saw the shadows return to her eyes. He could feel the fear and anger coming off her in waves of crimson. It made his lirium pulsate and pound with a hum of energy he had never felt before. He launched himself into the air his blade cutting in a wide arc. The swing that should have decapitated him never fell. He found himself falling to the ground as pain spasmed through his body. He knew this magic; it was often used by his former master to put him in his place. Agony lanced through his markings and he grunted.

"Stupid wolf, did you truly think I would have come against you not knowing how to immobilize such a force."

He lay gasping for air as Damin laughed. His muscles twitched and his heart was beating in his skull. He couldn't see Hawke but he felt her despair.

More pain, making his brands feel like they were on fire and searing into his skin anew. He hissed through his teeth and rolled onto his side trying to absorb it all. It did not stop.

"Stupid elf. You will scream for me yet."

His body contorted into an unnatural position, like the muscles were trying to fold up in on themselves. Life was leaching from his body in a steady stream, like skin carefully being torn from his body in a long endless string. It abated, and the air reentered his lungs in huge quantities and he couldn't get enough.

"You see my little bird, even he cannot save you. No one can save you."

The agony started anew, worse than anything he could have thought he would endure. Not a sound left his lips. The pressure built, looking for an outlet, any release it could find. His back arched involuntarily bringing his eyes in line with Hawke's.

He closed his eyes. _Too much, it is too much_. It erupted from him in a scream rising and rising until he lost breath. He tried to stop the next one but it burst from his lips again seeking the only outlet it could.

Light flared against his eyes and a voice calmly spoke.

"No"

He opened his eyes. In one swift action that was almost too quick to see, the knife from her boot flew from her hand and landed with the sickening thump in Damin's chest. The pain stopped abruptly leaving him helpless on the floor as he learned again how to breathe.

Damin was standing with both hands cradled around the protruding dagger, staring in disbelief.

"Impossible, I broke you." he breathed out the words through liquid filled gasps. "I was promised. He swore you would turn."

Hawke came to stand in front of him her arm raised, her hand made a gesture and the collar around her neck turned to ash.

Damin's eyes became even wider. Fenris found he now had the strength to stand. He got to his feet slowly, and stood behind her like a protective shadow. Damin fell to his knees and stared up at her. She cradled the mage's cheek.

"I figured out your little toy my waste of breath. I embraced the fear, the pain, the darkness and I turned it into ash." She bent over to whisper in his ear, "You are nothing now, you're people are dead." She whispered in his other ear. "Your Dark One has fled you." She stood. "You are no one, for love is strength not weakness and you have none."

The flash of steel from Damin's hand caught his eye and he lunged. The knife intended for Hawke's heart caught his arm guard and he quickly grabbed the man's throat, phased around the trachea and pulled. It came out in a rush of blood and other viscous matter and the body fell to the ground.

He shook the bloody bits from his hands as she turned to him. Her fingers came up to trace the lirium lines on his chin and slide along his jaw behind to his hair. Her eyes searched his and he could plainly see the pain etched across her face. What it had cost her to finally break free. She pulled his mouth down to meet hers, his hands slide around her hips and his eyes closed waiting.

Isabella's voice ruined the moment, "Will you guys get a move on already, unless you want Hadriana to get away?"

He cursed to himself for getting so distracted. She would be the death of him. He backed away abruptly more angry at himself than at her. Years he had waited to get Hadriana and Denarius in his grip and when he finally had one he would have given it all up for the feel of Hawke's lips against his. It was maddening. They emerged from the tent to a chaos of bodies littering the ground. They followed the sounds of fighting up the tunnel into a large room. Aveline was fighting off three sword yielding thugs with relative ease. Isabella snuck up behind the captain and slit his throat before he could deliver the possibly fatal blow that would have fallen on Aveline's head. Varric released a volley of arrows in the air at a group running towards him. They slowed as the arrows sunk home. Fenris rushed forward and quickly dispatched the remaining few before they could reach the dwarf.

"Nice of you two join us." Varric remarked smartly.

Fenris scowled back at the dwarf.

Isabella walked over carefully cleaning the blood off her dagger with the dead captain's shirt.

"Please tell me you put an end to that pathetic excuse of a magister." She asked.

Hawke remained stoic and then let out a huge sigh and fell to her knees on the ground. She looked almost confused as if she was unsure how to act now the Damin was finally dead. No one commented on her hair or her appearance. They knew better than to say anything, but the worry of how this would change her was etched on each of their faces. Leave it to the pirate to try a break the tension.

"I'll take that as a yes. Alright let's go take care of Fenris' bitch and then we can all go to the Hanged Man and have a much need drink." A devious smile stretched her face and she winked at Fenris. "Oh and maybe you two could finally get it on already." She glanced at Hawke. "Although I think first we will do something about Hawke's hair…and a bath."

He stalked off in the direction where he knew Hadriana would be. He didn't have time to listen to the chatter about his supposed love life with Hawke. It couldn't happen, it wouldn't happen. Too many years he had been waiting, too many years he had visualized his hand buried in Hadriana's chest and watching the light leave her eyes. He would never truly be free while they lived, constantly looking over his shoulder waiting for the next ambush. He would not spend the rest of his life as an escaped slave. His legs started to pick up speed and he held the broad sword up in the air. He could hear faint shouts behind him from the others. He ignored them as the adrenaline kicked in and he ran faster. All the rage, all the hate, the agony, the despair, the hopelessness and all the love he had ever felt for Denarius's apprentice coursed through him. There were flashes of black hair and a pale body leaning back as she rode him. The wicked gleam in her eye when she would go down on him. The look of love she would give him afterwards. The malicious smile when she betrayed him and he realized he had been a puppet all along. He reached the door to the last chamber and was roaring with all the fury his body contained when he burst through the doors.

There were bodies everywhere. The blade was nothing but quick flashes in front of him as his body mechanically took out one after another after another. His anger fuelled him and if any blows fell against him he didn't notice. He could see her at the end of the room encased in her force field and it only made him move faster. A group of guards after watching the initial massacre decided to flee and instead ran into the rest of his group as they emerged through the doors. His blood still boiled and the beast within him still raged as the adversaries ran out. He launched himself at Hadriana and shades sprouted from the floors, encasing him in a deadly circle. There were so many and they all gathered around him slicing him up as tried to make his way out. For every one that fell two would take its place. He sliced the air quickly taking out another and another. The blood was flowing freely from him onto the ground. His heart began to pound in his ears and his vision was becoming a blur. He took out three more shades and their space was quickly replaced with more. They enclosed the circle around him more tightly as they felt his pulse weakening. Another slice came up his back and another across his thighs and he fell to his knees. There was a scream behind him as he tumbled to the ground. There was a moment of complete silence before the world around him erupted into an inferno. There was nothing but fire and the screech of dying shades.

He thought maybe he had died and gone to the hell the chantry talked about. Maybe the transition had been instantaneous. But then he didn't remember dying, just the pain. A face he recognized appeared above him as the fire danced around. Soft hands slid around his face and she closed her eyes and began to chant softly. He didn't recognize the music or the language but he felt her hands dig into his wounds and he cried out. Power erupted from her in a steady stream and poured into him through her hands, through her skin, through her very pores. There were flashes so quick that he had a hard time discerning them. A little girl with black hair running, a burning fire, the warming smile of a man, two young children beginning to walk, fire erupting in a bed, so many people crying, her mother looking blank as she screamed, a woman who resembled Hawke laying dead on the ground, flashes of himself, every touch, every accidental caress, every look, and then the moment in the deep roads, Carver dying and the hands that glided around her. The visions then came in such quick succession that he couldn't focus.

He took a deep sharp breath and she leaned back, smiled at him. The fire encircling them died away.

"Now you know."

She stood and rejoined the fight.

He gazed around a little disoriented and realized it had all happened within a matter of seconds. He got up slowly grabbed his sword and felt every limb, every cell in his body singing with excitement. He shook his head and joined the others as they dispatched the remaining walking dead that had exploded from the earth.

The moment came, that final moment when Hadriana was on the ground in front of him begging for her life. The rage boiled beneath the surface of his skin his hand opened and closed waiting for the moment he would plunge it in her heart. Then something happened he did not expect. She spouted news of a long lost sister. It made him hesitate. He had a sister…a family….a home…?

"How do we know if you're even telling the truth?" Hawke asked from beside him.

"You don't." Hadriana mocked. "But I know Fenris, and I know what he is searching for. If he wants me to give up Denarius then he will have to pay for it." And the words were practically spit from her mouth."

He felt Hawke look at him. "This is your call." Her voice betraying nothing and she walked away.

He knelt down in front of her. The wrath simmered below the surface like a great leviathan waiting for its chance to strike. She would not survive this, not while he was alive.

"I have your word? Your sister's location for my life?"

The words left his lips in a growl, "Yes, you have my word."

"Her name is Ariannia, she is in Qarinus serving a magister by the name of Ahroman."

"A servant. Not a slave?"

"She's not a slave."

"I believe you" he said as he felt the lirium burn, lighting up the cavern with his markings. His hand plunged into her chest and he felt the beating heart fluttering like a bird. He squeezed his hand and felt the muscle give. His arm jerked out of her chest and she fell to the ground in a heap like so much trash. He stood waiting for the release, the relief, the freedom, to wash over him but it didn't. It only weighed on him more. His sister he had to find. Denarius he still had to kill. He was still bound. The rage emerged like some great beast that he couldn't control. He hated them! All of them!

He turned to the rest of the group and Hawke's eyes followed him as he strode past.

"We are done here."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

It stopped him in his tracks and before he could stop himself he was yelling in her face.

"No I don't want to talk about it! This could be a trap. Denarius could have sent Hadriana here to tell me about this 'sister'. Even if he didn't, trying to find her would still be suicide. Denarius has to know about her and has to know that Hadriana knows." His fists clenched and his mouth formed a snarl. "But all that matters is I finally got to crush this bitch's heart." He turned his back to her as he meant to leave the room, leave Kirkwall, and leave her. "May she rot….and all other mages with her."

He heard her sigh and her hand caressed his shoulder. "Maybe we should leave?"

"Don't comfort me!" and he jerked his shoulder to remove her hand

Ever so reasonable, he wanted to yell. How could she be so calm, so caring, and so selfless? She had just been through hell and he could already tell she was justifying it in her head. Her self-loathing was a viscous thing, giving even the most gruesome acts just cause all because she was a mage. He hated her at that moment, wanted to shake her, wanted to argue with her just to get a reaction.

"You saw what was done here! What they did to you! There's always going to be some reason, some excuse why mages need to do this. Even if I found my sister, who knows what the magister's have done to her."

He looked deep into her eyes and for the first time wanted to hurt her. He wanted her to see just how much he didn't want her, didn't care. His voice lowered to a growl as he spat the next words at her.

"What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil."

He saw the pain lance across her face, the betrayal in her eyes and he turned from her, unable to watch anymore. It was too much. He hated himself more in that moment than any mage. She didn't deserve his words and he knew it. He brushed his fingers over his hair, "I need to go."

No sound came from behind him, no yell, no comment, nothing. He left the room, the cave, and walked quickly down the path towards Kirkwall. His thoughts were muddled and chaotic. The weeks had been torture. Since finding out Hawke was taken he had paced the Hanged Man waiting for some intel, something of where she was. Varric and Isabella had finally tired of his never ending yelling that they just went out with Aveline and looked. It wasn't until they ran into Hadriana's ambush that he realized they were on the right track. He felt like such an idiot. How could he have not known, not realized where they were hiding. He was cursing at himself the entire way down. It wasn't until he found her alive that he finally stopped. There was a moment when he gazed into her eyes and saw nothing but darkness staring back at him, no recognition, no emotion, and he wanted to kill everything in his path, destroy everyone, but the light returned and relief had flooded through him.

He wanted her alive, and yet he had cursed at her before leaving. He stared at his hands when he walked and could suddenly feel the caress of her skin, the touch of her hands as they wound their way into his hair, her breath as she exhaled and brought his mouth down to hers. His fists clenched and he yelled wordlessly into the sky. What was wrong with him? She invaded his every thought, plagued his every dream, bewitched him body and soul, and part of him hated her for it. It was a part of him that would never die as long as Denarius still lived.

At some point he made it back into his mansion and paced the floor bare as he debated with himself. He wanted to go to her house and at least apologize for his behavior. She was the last person in the world that deserved his wrath. He just couldn't get up the courage to go. He was afraid of what she would say how she would react, itf she would finally toss him aside.

There was a flash of a black haired frightened little girl huddled in a corner. He put his fist through a wall and the vision disappeared. And these damn flashes of her's didn't help. He kept seeing the visions again and again like an endless replay of her life. He stopped pacing and took a deep breath. No this agony had to end now. He flew down the stairs, out of the house, and walked along the dark streets to her mansion.

He arrived and stood at her front door as his nerve failed him. A few minutes passed and he finally justified to himself that he just wanted to make sure she recovered ok. He knocked on the door. Her manservant answered. Well it was good to know Anders had healed him, his son and her mother. With the state they were in when they found them it was amazing they recovered so quickly.

"What can I do for you Serah?"

"I wanted to speak with Hawke."

"She's getting a haircut and washing at the communal bath. Would you like to leave a message for her?"

"I…." and his nerve almost failed him again, "could I wait for her return."

The dwarf raised an eyebrow, "Yes of course."

He entered and continually paced Hawke's foyer much to the dwarf's dismay. When he heard the door open, her manservant upon seeing her made a hasty exit.

She stared at him surprised, "Fenris!"

Her hair was now all cut the same length and flattered her face, more so than her long hair did. She was washed and wearing her a new blue and black robe that emphasized her curves and she looked almost normal.

She made a few hesitant steps towards him and then stopped.

He took the last few steps to her and spoke, "I wanted to apologize about what happened down there. You didn't deserve my anger, not after everything you've been through. I owe you an apology."

"I had no idea where you went I was concerned."

His rage flooded through him again as he attempted to explain his emotions to her. What Hadriana had done to him, all of it, how she pretended to love him then tortured him. Denying his meals had been the least of his worries when it came to surviving the touch of her blade. He just couldn't let the bitch slip through his grasp.

"You're need for revenge is consuming you." She said calmly.

And that was it, he let her have it. The flood gates opened as the rage took control.

"And what would you have me do? I never had the choice to walk away. Am I supposed to forgive no matter how many times they hunt me down? Am I supposed to forget all the things they've done to me?"

Her ever calm demeanor just gazed at him, "If you're wondering why you can't move on. This is it."

His arms began to shake as the tension built beyond his capacity to contain. His fists clenched as every fiber in his body radiated his anger.

"Yes this is it.!" He spat back at her. "How could I not grasp something so simple?" He looked down at his clenched hands, "It's a sickness this hate, this dark growth inside me that I can't ever get rid of and they put it there."

The tension became unbearable coursing through him begging for release. He glanced at her and saw understanding in the depth of her eyes, not judgment, or pity, or anger, just understanding. He sighed loudly and released it.

"This isn't why I came here." And he turned from her. What a disaster this had turned out to be.

"So you're just going to leave?" and she grabbed him.

Pain lanced through his arm and he had a sudden flash of Denarius. _"Leaving so soon my pet?"_ Without thinking he turned into that grasp and shoved it against the wall. He realized what he had done but could not make himself let go. He stared down at her body. The softness of her skin under his fingers, the smell of her hair, the swell of her breasts that lay just inside the robe. He looked up into her face and saw the same emotions at war on hers. She quickly lunged at him and her mouth covered his in a warm caress. He had dreamed of this moment and sighed against her body..


	8. Bring Me to Life

**Warning: Smut abound in this chapter. Updated: 6/20/2013**

She had wanted to do one thing and one thing only after getting back in Kirkwall. Move on. She was tired of being the slave, being the prisoner of her own shame, her own guilt, and her own fear. The cost was too high to pay. Something inside her had snapped when Fenris was on the ground writhing in pain. The light bulb had switched on and in one moment of instant clarity she knew how to release herself. The Dark One had given her the key, 'through fear or love you will come to me.' She had to embrace the fear, make it a part of her being and in an essence become fear itself. She could rise and become more or stay as weak and as helpless as the rest of the world. She Rose. The chains had snapped and instantly her magic came in a rush through her veins. Damin was gone. The Dark one was another matter. She felt the scream of it when the collar had disintegrated and she knew now that it would hunt her until she was dead.

The exhaustion overwhelmed her and she wanted to be home in her bed sleeping. She ran her hand through her now freshly cut hair and her hand still continued to pull back as if her long tresses were still there. She sighed, it would take awhile to adjust. Every time she put her hand through her hair only to have it end abruptly was a painful reminder of what she had endured.

Fenris had left and she didn't know whether it was for good or if he was just pacing in his mansion letting his hatred eat him alive. To be honest she was too tired to care at the moment. Perhaps once the new day had dawned she would have the strength to deal with it. She could only handle one crisis at a time.

She entered her mansion and it turned out she wasn't going to be given the chance. She could feel the tension building already. A tingle began at her fingers and travelled up her arms, across her chest, down her abdomen, into her groin. Sparks lit between her fingertips and she immediately made a fist. Her control was slipping, that much was proven when she had somehow healed him. She took a deep breath and stopped after seeing the expression on his face.

Her eyes wandered along his body watching the way his muscles moved under his skin. The set of his shoulders, the clenching of his jaw, the fierceness of his eyes, and the way his white hair contrasted with his tan skin. He was beautiful, almost ethereal in a way. He closed the distance between them and spoke. His voice always tightened something deep in her body, like liquid sex floating over her skin, if such a thing were possible. Now it was no different. She wanted to close her eyes and listen to it, let it seduce her; let it caress her body in a way nothing else could. She didn't though.

She let him apologize and try to explain himself. She hadn't intended to invoke his anger but seeing as it was so easy to do it was almost unavoidable. Everything she said he turned around into a viscous comment. He was all out yelling at her again and then suddenly he released his anger and wanted to leave. That pissed her off more than anything else. Running away was something he did well.

In a moment of sheer anger she wanted to reach out and throw him against the wall. She had been through too much. Why couldn't he see the way he affected her? She had been numb, lost in her own mind, frozen, sleeping the time away. It was her only safety while she was tortured by Damin. The only place she had to protect herself. She had become a shell, nothingness had crept into her soul and she had no idea how to combat it, nor had she wanted to. It wasn't until she had seen him, felt his lirum singing to her that she felt a familiar stirring in her soul. He brought her back to life, reignited something in her spirit that had been snuffed out.

She grabbed his arm to spin him around and she suddenly found herself slammed into a wall with a glowing blue elf pinning her. It was jarring but did not scare her. He was so close. His smell invaded her senses and she could feel the gentle hum of his lirium as it responded to her magic , winding itself into her someplace deeper. He continued to stare at the floor unwilling to meet her eyes, but he didn't let her go. She wanted to feel his hands all over her body, taste his lips, explore every inch of him, and chase away the numbness she felt.

She closed the space between them and pressed her lips to his. They were soft and dry against hers. He didn't respond immediately and she almost lost her nerve and backed away from him. He sighed then and with almost a groan on his lips he opened his mouth and melded to hers. Her tongued darted out a quick flick of wetness on his bottom lip. His hands tightened on her arms and she pressed herself against him more firmly and entered his mouth. She kissed him like she was trying to taste every bit of him.

She pulled away and the look in his eyes was something that was pure male, made of desire, lust, and underneath that was a deeper passion that was only for her. She turned the tables and shoved him against the wall. She kissed him hard and fierce pressing her body against his. She ran her hands up his sides and behind his neck. He pressed back harder and there was a tenseness in the set of his shoulders. It turned into something more primal as his tongue plunged into her mouth and he kissed her like he was feeding from her, like he could drink from her mouth and satiate his thirst. His arms locked behind her hips and he grinded against her. She made a small sound of protest as part of his armor dug into her pelvis. She pulled back.

"This has got to come off first." she said pulling at his chest plate."

He smirked and pulled off his gauntlets in two quick jerks and dropped them to the ground. She grabbed his hand and brought him up stairs into her room, shutting the door behind her. What she did not expect was the onslaught on emotion that swept through her when she reentered her room for the first time. It was like throwing ice water on her libido. The furniture had been shifted and the bedding replaced with red silk sheets from Orlais that glistened in the moonlight. There was a fire burning in her fireplace that Bodhan must have started, its crackling the only sound to break the silence. While the setting had changed the memories had not. Fear sliced through her and little by little she felt herself withdrawing.

Fenris's expression became serious. "Are you sure about this, considering everything you've been through?"

She closed her eyes and spoke, "No, but I know I don't want to be scared anymore."

Strong arms wrapped around her, and his scent filled her nose. She leaned back into him and got flashes of when Carver died and those same arms had held her securely as she cried. She turned in his embrace and brought her hands behind his neck to comb through his hair.

"Nothing like that will ever happen again, I will make sure of it."

The ferocity in his voice made her look up. She searched his eyes, and they blazed with a protectiveness she had never seen before. His entire body radiated with it. It made her smile and she melted into his embrace.

"Make me forget it, make me forget all of it. Chase away this numbness inside me. Make love to me Fenris."

At her words a groan escaped his lips and he again claimed her mouth. He ate at her, kissing her so brutally like he could crawl inside her body and claim it for his own. He broke away abruptly leaving her breathless as he kissed his way down her jawline to her throat. Her fingers went to the buckles on his armor deftly removing the clasps. She studied them enough that she knew exactly where they were without having to see them. His mouth found the pulse on her throat and he sucked drawing it into his mouth and bit down. Her breath hitched as the pleasure shot down her body tightening something deep within her. The last clasp on the armor gave way and he pulled back from her so it could fall to the floor. She gazed down his chest for a long moment. She had dreamed of what he would look like underneath all that black metal and it was more beautiful than her mind could have ever imagined. The lirium markings wound their way down his neck and spread across his collar bone on either side swirling in long coils only to spilt and curl again and again down his body. She inhaled sharply and she realized she had forgotten to breathe. Just below his navel there was a line of white hair that disappeared underneath the edge of the supple black leather pants. She had the sudden desire to run her fingertips over that edge and underneath it. Her fingers traced the beginning of his pants and paused at his sudden intake of breath.

Her eyes flicked to his face, "Do they hurt too much?"

His glazed eyes focused on her, "No it wasn't that, though today the pain is bearable."

"Then what was it?"

"'I've….I've dreamt of this moment…but…" and he paused, his eyes clouded over as he attempted to put his feelings into words.

"But what…" she urged and she couldn't stop the fear of his rejection from showing on her face.

He ran his hands up behind her ears folding them into her short hair. He rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

"I fear the consequences. But it has become impossible to keep myself from you."

"Then don't."

She glided her hands up his chest tracing the lirium brands. He shuddered underneath her delicate touch. She then did something that she had wanted to do since the moment they met. She lowered her mouth and licked a quick wet line down his jaw and traced the brand down his neck to where the first part of the brand curled down, just above the collarbone, over the base of his neck and disappeared onto his back. She felt the lirium ignite at her intimate touch and she closed her mouth and sucked on the portion that sat on the base of his neck. He gasped and she felt it come alive in her mouth. It pushed energy into her and her power responded by instantly pushing back. A barrier between them snapped and she felt both of their breathing stop as the power between them intertwined and joined together exploding into a current unlike anything she had ever felt. They coiled around each other like two great beasts rubbing fur, recognizing a long lost mate, like long lost lovers being reunited again for the first time. It was a rush of life, a bond reignited that they hadn't even known existed. The initial shock wore off and she felt hands pull her back and she reluctantly let them. He was gazing at her with a mystified look as they were both left gasping for breath.

"What are you?" he whispered, "That was unlike any magic I have ever felt."

She drew back from him and glanced at the floor, "I'm beginning to wonder myself anymore."

His hands again caressed her shoulders and she could feel him studying her. "Why do I feel suddenly like I know you, like I've known you before, long ago?"

She met his eyes and there was such intensity in them, a burning need and desire to claim her, to possess her and announce to the world she was his. She wrapped her arms around his stomach and she felt his arms enwrap her like a vice as his chin rested on her head. She wanted nothing more than to melt into his embrace and spend the rest of her life there.

After some time she tilted her head up at him, "I am quite content to stay here in your arms like this forever however there are many other dreams I want to see come true right now."

She saw the smile curl on his lips and he leaned down and growled in her ear, "Well then let's see how creative your dreams are."

She pulled back and jumped into his arms. He caught her under her buttocks bringing his face in line with her chest. She threaded her fingers into his hair, tilted his face up to hers and leaned down to press her lips to his mouth harshly. She pressed so hard that he would either have to open his mouth or be cut on his own teeth, he finally parted his lips. Her tongue invaded his mouth and she explored him, tasted him, drank from him like he was life itself. She felt him backing up to her bed while they kissed until it hit the back of his knees and she finally broke away from him to come up for air. She used the back of his neck for balance and his lips kissed her chest around the edges of the robe. His tongue darted out to lick warm wet lines along the sides of her breast and a groan escaped her throat in anticipation. Her fingers found their way into his hair pulling his face into the softness of her breasts. He balanced her in one arm and her legs latched around his waist. He pulled her robe open to drape in the crook of her arm.

He brushed a thumb over the faint bruises on her breasts from where Damin had abused her. She shuddered against him. It was an apprehensive feeling as she watched too many emotions cross his face at once. Desperation coursed through her as her need to let go of so much pain tightened her grip on him.

_No….no ….don't go away again, _she thought_. Please I need you._

At that moment he looked up at her, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"I felt that." He whispered, barely audible as his fingers still brushed over her breasts. She wondered for a moment what exactly he felt…her desperation or her grip tightening.

He nipped at her lip, "I'm not going anywhere."

And all negative thoughts were abandoned.

He cupped and kneaded at one breast with his free hand brushing the thumb over the nipple. He rolled and pulled at it until it became a stiff peak underneath his fingers making her moan loudly. He braced himself and brought her hardened nipple into his mouth. He sucked on it gently flicking the tip with his tongue, shots of pleasure travelled down making her wet and eager. He bit down quickly and sharply and she cried out raking her nails up his back. He released her breast from his mouth and she protested, arching her back to brush her eager nipples in his face.

He turned and dumped her on the bed. She fell with a laugh on her lips and watched as he quickly removed the leg guards and leather pants. The only thing that remained between her and his thick hardness was a thin piece of cloth. He knelt on the bed and crawled over her like a wolf stalking its prey. She laughed and backed away from him. A growl came from deep in his throat and he grabbed her around her ankles and jerked her body under him making her she shriek out in her laughter. He fell on her like a beast claiming his prize. He grinded himself against her and bit at her throat. He trailed down making quick little bites down the collarbone and she half laughed half groaned, the pleasure making her squirm underneath him. His hands undid the knot in her robe and pulled it open. He sat up and looked down at her. She felt the heat rise to her face as he studied her body so intently.

His voice came out in a hoarse whisper, "You are so beautiful."

She felt her face redden even more and he leaned over bracing himself above her as he leaned down to kiss her passionately. He broke away and licked his way down her neck to her chest, over one breast and brought her nipple into his mouth and sucked. He shifted his weight above her to give attention to the other breast licking, sucking and flicking the peak until her back arched involuntarily against him, her hands latching harshly onto his hair. She felt him chuckle briefly as he kissed his way down her stomach kneeling between her legs. His arms parted her legs gently and she immediately tensed as he approached that intimate area. He ran his hands down her legs caressing her from her hips to her knees. He licked along her hips just above her where the hair began and she wriggled underneath him. He sat up briefly to adjust himself and he was pressed long and firm against the thin fabric of his undergarments. She backed herself out from under him and quickly got to her hands and knees, gazing at the fabric that begged to be released. He watched her, waiting patiently for her to make a move. She crawled over to him on her knees and grazed her hand over his hardness, grabbing him through the thin cloth. His breath came out in a hiss and she felt the lirium in his skin again call out to her. She answered it and the energy slid over their skin, turning every nerve on its end. There was a quick flash, a little white haired boy smiling and she felt his body tense.

She paused looking at him; his eyes were closed, head thrown back. She ran her other hand over the firmness of his chest brushing lightly over his nipples. She lowered her mouth to one licking and sucking gently while she still stroked him over the cloth. She heard a groan escape his mouth and she pushed him back to lay on the bed. She lowered her mouth to one of the markings that covered one side of his chest and licked her way along the brand down the ridges of his stomach.

Power started to rise in her wanting to explore the exposed flesh. She held onto it as it simmered below the surface of her skin. She removed the thin cloth that bound him making small bites down his hipbone. She grasped tightly around the length of him drawing a loud groan from his lips and slowly stroked him up and down. He stared down at her and his eyes were that of a drowning man. She made one slow tentative lick up his shaft and his head dropped back on the bed, his breath coming out in a sigh. Her tongue made slow circles around his tip as he quivered beneath her. She then sucked her way up and down. It was slow at first and then she picked up speed, her head bobbing until he was moaning loudly. He suddenly grabbed her head and stopped her.

He ran his hands into her hair and pulled her back up to his face. He kissed her slowly and tentatively and pulled back to look at her face. "If you continue like that this will end all too quickly and I have waited too long for this moment."

She felt the smile spread on her face and he kissed her again. He rolled her over suddenly in one quick movement and he was the one bracing himself on top of her. One of his hands traveled down the length of her body as he claimed her mouth again. He caressed her inner thigh and her legs opened of their own volition. His fingers inched their way over into her slick wetness making small circles around the nub. Two fingers slide inside her and she moaned into his mouth. He broke the kiss and tasted his fingers. He sucked them while staring directly into her eyes and then his gaze shifted downwards. He trailed down her body in wet kisses as every nerve ending was singing in anticipation. He parted her legs more and she closed her eyes when the first moist lick came. It was gradual at first, slow wet circles around her most intimate part, the intensity picked up until he was tasting and exploring every inch of her. Rubbing and sucking on her nub until her entire body vibrated with the desperate need for release. She heard high pitched cries breaking the silence of his licking and she realized belatedly it was coming from her. The pressure was building between her legs, gaining strength with every flick of his tongue. Her hands grabbed for purchase and found his forearms. She gripped him like he was her only connection to reality. The waves of pleasure lapped over her senses until all she felt was his tongue in her, rubbing her, licking her, sucking her, drinking her juices and the dam burst. Her body bucked beneath him as the orgasm rode her, her hands raked down his arms and he groaned. She eventually came back down to earth, shivering with each additional lick he made.

After taking one last suck, making her body shudder again he sat back on his knees, his erection standing stiff and ridged out in front of him. There were bloody scratches down both his arms where she had marked him. The blood rushed to her face.

"Sorry."

He smiled at her deviously. "I will wear them with pride."

He braced himself above her and gently pressed the tip of himself against her opening. She moaned as another wave of spasms racked her body. He pushed inside her and her muscles jerked around him drawing a groan from his lips. He waited there for a moment as her body stretched around his girth. She wrapped her legs around his waist, drawing him deeper inside her.

"Oh fuck." She grunted, her back arching as he filled her up, sliding in and claiming every inch of her. He drew back slowly and pushed inside her again so carefully. His eyes clouded over briefly as his body rippled with tension. He pulled back and plunged into her again more forcefully and she cried out. He was being so cautious with her body but she wanted him to be rough, pound into her and lose that last bit of control. She rocked up to meet his thrust and his eyes rolled back in his head. He grabbed her by the hips, drawing her into the right angle. He drove into her again, and again, picking up force and speed. She felt the lick of her magic caress him like a lost lover. It reached out to him with every thrust of his hips and his body shook when his lirium responded.

There was a flare in her mind and she saw a little white haired boy running after a small red haired elven girl. He drove into her again and she saw the back of an older elven woman kneeling down in front of the little boy talking. She felt him enter her again and the scene changed. He was older, fighting with the older woman and a red haired elf, yelling at them as he pulled out of her grasp and walked away. Her vision cleared and she saw the confusion in his eyes as he continued to plunge inside her. He picked up speed, his body losing its rigidness as moderation gave way to desperation. Their powers combined in a flash and suddenly she was assaulted with images. A lirium free Fenris battling for his life, the same woman and girl crying when he walked away with Denarius's guards, and then the first lance of pain. The last of his control went. His body trembled losing any sense inhibition as he let go and slammed repeatedly into her.

"Oh Gods" he moaned.

She cried out as the orgasm suddenly burst through her, arching her back in the air as he thrust into her hips. She screamed his name as her body clenched around him like a vice, the muscles spasming uncontrollably. His body shuddered in his release. He drove into her once last time collapsing on top of her with the sound of her name on his lips.

She could feel his heart pounding in his chest like a caged bird. He was laughing lightly as he wrapped his arms around her body and rolled her on top of him. She could feel the possession in that embrace and she melted into it feeling whole for the first time in her life. Their twin energies still rode over each other's skin, coiled together so tightly now that it could not be undone. They were one, she would forever crave his touch and he hers. A song entered her heart again as true happiness and perfect contentment settled in her soul. It was a long time before either of them moved.


	9. I Dreamed a Dream

**_Updated: 6/21/2013_**

_She stared at the door in disbelief. Had it meant nothing to him? Didn't he feel their connection? For one moment she had been so happy and she thought perhaps it was the beginning of a new chapter in her life. She deserved some brightness after everything she had been through but apparently God or the Maker didn't feel the same way. She felt his happiness; she felt his joy when they lay in each other's arms. The way he had laughed afterwards when he embraced her, it was still ringing in her ears. They had fallen asleep together wrapped possessively around each other. Never in her life had she felt so…complete. _

_Then she woke up with him standing over the fireplace and when he turned to her the look in his eyes said it all. He was leaving. His fear had finally gotten the better of him and now he would pretend nothing ever happened. But something wonderful did happen to the both of them and now he was just going to ignore it. She lay back on the bed staring at the canopy as the first of the tears began to fall. She curled on her side in a ball so tight trying to stop the pain. She could still smell him on the sheets and agony lanced through her chest making her cry out. Then the weeping began and she couldn't stop the huge wracking sobs as she half screamed and half bawled into the sheets. _

_She tried to stop the numbness from creeping up her body, stop the emptiness from filling her heart, but the cold slinked in and filled that place that was only meant for him. The crying eventually stopped and she lay there for a long time breathing in his scent. Then the anger had taken over as the betrayal of what he had done set in. She jumped off the bed as the adrenaline pumped through her veins, her muscles hardened, her fists clenched, her jaw clamped shut so hard that a dull ache started to form behind her eyes. She stared at the bed still seeing his form draped over her, feeling the caress of his fingers, the soft wetness of his tongue. A tremor started in her hands, continuing up her arms, through her chest, down her torso to her legs. She felt a scream building in her throat. She tore the sheets off the bed and his scent swirled in the air around her. The rage pumped through her and she threw the sheets in the dying fire. There was a great puff of smoke and ash and slowly they started to catch but it wasn't enough. She pulled the comforter off and the pillows and threw them on top but the fire was starting to go out. His scent mixed with the burning wood and smoke that now steadily filled the room. She gripped the mantle and screamed, one wordless and agonizing sound as the pain tried to find an outlet. The fire burst to life suddenly exploding into a great inferno, combusting the sheets, comforter and pillows to ash almost instantaneously. Moments later the fire went out and nothing remained but the ash. She pulled her hands back and a perfect imprint in the melted stone remained. Confusion clouded her mind and she stared at her hands. What was happening to her? She shook her head and ran from the room. _

_It was the last time she would enter her bedroom for a very long time. _

…

How had it come to this? How had her life fallen apart so completely? What did she do wrong? What could she have done differently? Her life was in a downward spiral that began with Damin's arrival in Kirkwall. Four months had gone by and her life had progressively gotten out of control. She stared at the fire in front of her as if it could unlock the secrets of the world. She was cold, but it was a coldness the fire could not remove. There was only one shining moment of happiness in that time and it was shattered into dust when he had walked out her bedroom door. She never stayed at home anymore and when she was it was only to sleep briefly on the library sofa and then she would leave again. She couldn't bring herself to enter her bedroom anymore, it contained nothing but regret, pain and despair. Her mother's eyes had followed her for a time but the words never emerged her lips for which she was thankful. For a while things had been quiet. She had occupied herself as much as possible and had managed to avoid him by bringing one of the others with her, or just simply going herself. She had not seen him since that night and the pain she had felt on a daily basis was just a dull ache where her heart used to be. A letter had come to her from Feynriel's mother and after talking to her she knew she would need help.

She waited as long as possible for Aveline's assistance as they rescheduled the trip again and again and in the last moment the captain had been unable to go. They had been arguing for some time now, Varric, Anders and herself. She would have gone with just the three of them but they both had adamantly protested.

"Hawke we need a warrior. We cannot go in there with three distance fighters, we will all be killed." He turned to Anders. "Blondie talk some sense into her please."

She heard Anders sigh, "As much as I hate to invite that elf along we need him. This cannot be put off again. We've waited far too long as it is. I know you don't want to see him but there isn't much choice."

Isabella was swaying in her seat. "I told you I would go but no one seems to be paying attention to me." She slurred

Varric just rolled his eyes at her. "Go back to sleep Rivani or better yet go occupy someone's bed."

The pirate smiled lopsidedly, "Maybe I should go find Fenris. I've been wanting to taste him for years. Alas he doesn't want me though" and shot an evious look in her direction.

The ache in her chest increased, "Isabella enough." She turned to Varric. "Fine. Go get him. I refuse to knock on his door."

She heard an exasperated sigh from Varric. He turned to Anders. "Don't you dare let her out of your sight. It would be just like her to run off and go into the Fade by herself just to prove a point."

Anders had not left her side since he left. She continued to stare in the fire in Varric's room, willing it to engulf her then just so she didn't have to see him. She felt the moment he entered the Hanged Man, like a distant calling to her power. Her heart sang in lament as her magic reached out to him involuntarily and she closed her eyes trying to her best to ignore it. It didn't work.

By the time he was standing in front of her she could feel him like a great storm threatening to explode. She opened her eyes. Her gaze trailed over his body before meeting his eyes. His stance was confident, his hands draped at his sides, his hair coming down to cover his eyes and the site of him made her body tightened. He was wearing her sash around his arm and her crest on his hip. The two things she had left behind for him before she was taken. It didn't make her happy, it infuriated her. She wanted to rip them off him because all it did was serve as a reminder of what she had given him and what he had thrown away. Her hatred flowed out of her along with her energy. She wanted to punch him, strangle him, anything that would make him feel the pain she felt when he left.

Two things happened at once. Her energy swatted out at him like a great clawed hand, his responded and swiped back at her and four perfect spaced slices appeared on her chest. The four of them stared in horrified shock for a moment.

"I'm sorry." The elf said with genuine regret and reached out to her.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed.

Anders knelt at her side bringing a hand up to heal her. "Maybe you should stay behind if all you're going to do is harm her." He glanced at her and the look in his eyes was not pleasant. "You two need to get your psychic bullshit under control now."

She was confused, "I don't even know what happened."

Anders frowned with disgust and stood, "You're auras are joined together I can see it. Everything you feel towards each other will happen as if you had really acted on the thought. One of you wanted to hurt the other. You need to learn to shield. Both of you." And he spared a disapproving glance at the elf.

"I didn't know." She whispered.

Anders was mumbling to himself and she was only catching every other word. "Damn….should….known she…fucking elf…..stupid…wrong…me….. now….joined….cannot….fixed"

Fenris must have heard all of it with his elven hearing though because his expression turned to one of pure loathing as he glared at the mages head like it would explode just from his thought. That didn't stop it from singing down the connection between the two of them and she stiffled the groan that almost left her lips. He must have felt it becasue his eyes flicked to hers and through sheer determination was able to control it. He remained silent, which was a miracle in and of itself.

The mage sighed completely unaware of the exchange and resigned to the facts at hand "I can teach you but it will take time and we don't have it right now. So either Fenris needs to stay behind or you both need to control your thoughts better. I think the later would be good if you both can manage because we need the help.

She heard Fenris exhale loudly. "I must express my desire to not be included in this. I have no interest in going to the fade to help a mage, especially such a weak minded one."

She didn't make eye contact with him and laughed loudly. It wasn't a happy or amused sound. "That is fine with me." She could feel his eyes studying her intently and she didn't appreciate the scrutiny. "I don't want you to come but these two have tied my hands. I have no choice as Aveline is yet again being detained and this matter cannot be put off any longer."

"This isn't our concern" he stated.

She couldn't stop the rage from leaking into her voice and there was a small flare inside her. She controlled it. "It will be if he comes back into this world controlled by a powerful demon. I refuse to argue this with you. Either come or don't but I am done debating the validity of it."

Her eyes flicked to his and then away again. He was scowling at her. "Very well, I go only to ensure your safety."

She made a disgusted sound, "Where was that mentality four months ago."

She looked him straight in the eye and saw the pain reflected back at her and then the accompanying feeling of remorse. She almost cringed. He was quiet for a moment and his gaze dropped to the floor.

"It wasn't my intention to hurt you."

She couldn't stop the bitter laugh from escaping her lips. "Yes and you always have the best intentions Fenris." Even to her it sounded spiteful. She calmed her features as best she could. She took a breath and was happy when her voice came out indifferent. "It's alright. Everyone I love leaves. You'd think I'd have grown used to it by now."

He winced and she knew he felt her sorrow, "I am sorry. No matter how much you may not believe it, I am."

Varric and Anders watched the entire exchange in silence. It seemed for once that Varric wished he weren't there to witness it. Ander's was trying his best to hide his relief. For once she was glad they knew better than to say anything.

She exhaled, "Let's get this over with."

Things had gone surprisingly smooth from there. Well other than Justice taking over Ander's which made things a bit interesting. Torpor tried to make a deal with them which she vehemently refused. The fight was over quickly and Ander's/Justice lead them to Feynriel's desire. That was when things became…difficult. They were able to release Feynriel from the demon however it paused in attacking and its face light up in glee.

A clawed hand ran over its breast caressing its nipple. "Mmmm, I can taste your desire. It's like chocolate melting on my tongue. You long for the touch of this elf" and her hand pointed at Fenris.

She felt the color drain from her face. "Yes well that yearning is meant to go unfulfilled."

The demon's eyes shifted to Fenris and her head cocked to the side. "Oh I think not. He denies himself your touch but he craves for it. Oh yes, he craves it like a flower craves the warmth of the sun."

She couldn't stop the sadness from showing on her face. It was too much too soon.

It continued to taunt her. "You want him. Why deny yourself. I can give him to you and so much more." The demon whispered so only she could hear.

There was a flash in her mind of his lirium branded body on top of hers thrusting himself inside her. She was crying out beneath him as the pleasure rode her in waves and then he moaned her name as he found his release inside her.

The tears started to fall. She covered her eyes with her hands as if they could somehow stop the scene from replaying in her mind. She yelled one anguish filled word, "Stop!"

"Kill it" Justice demanded which she ignored.

The demon caressed her face and she cringed, "You love him. You are connected I can see it, a coiled band of aura's. Don't you see I could give him too you and you could live happily ever after."

She felt the hate show in her eyes as her strength returned. "There are no happily ever after's." She knew without looking that her face had emptied of any emotion as the arrogant mask fell into place. "Life has killed that dream." Her eyes flicked to Fenris and raw pain shot through them both like a wound tearing open again. They both flinched.

Desire sighed in annoyance, "Very well. There is another matter. I know the one that hunts you. Join with me and I will be able to protect you from him."

She scoffed in derision. "And why would I do that exactly?"

"Kill her now. Do not listen to any more lies." Justice boomed

"Quiet." She replied sternly.

The demon looked contemplative. "A simple choice really. Would you rather be at the whims of Desire which can be a very enjoyable thing or be a plaything for the Raskahas."

"Rask –a- what?"

"The one that hunts you, he is one of the most powerful of us."

"Then why would you want to join with me. He would still kill you."

Disbelief colored the demons mien. "Mmm….I see….you still do not know."

"Stop speaking in riddles demon or it ends now."

It sighed dramatically, the hand caressing along the waist and stopped at its hip, "You do not know what you are."

Her breathe caught and she paused, when Desire didn't elaborate she whispered. "And what am I?"

It smiled at her, "Join me and I will tell you everything I know."

Justice spoke up again. "Do not listen to it. It cannot tell you anything. It is all lies."

She turned to the abomination in annoyance "Shut the fuck up Justice"

The alluring voice smiled and shot back, "I do not lie on this Vengeance. In fact I am surprised you have not told her yourself." The demon's features suddenly twisted in pain. "No!" it cried. Flames shot out from the demon's body followed by a quick shriek then silence.

She turned on Justice. "Why did you do that?"

Justice looked alarmed, "I did not"

She stared at the remains, "Then who did?"

"I do not know and I have no wish to find out. I can feel Feynriel's spirit faltering. We must hurry."

She released a sigh and turned to leave.

All three of her companions had looked at her with apprehension after that. Fenris said little on the subject but the look in his eyes said it all. He worried if he would end up killing her one day. How ironic that had turned out to be. They entered the door for Feynriel's pride. They were able to break the hold of the pride demon and the vision changed. It was angry and chose the elf as its target. That's when it all went wrong.

"You think this slave would choose you over his freedom."

"Cast your eyes elsewhere demon. I won my freedom from the magister's long ago."

"But you fear them still. They left their marks on your body, on your mind, with my aid you could be free forever. You could have power enough to challenge any who would change you."

She could feel his hesitation. She controlled the fear the now pulsed through her body. "Fenris don't listen to it. Please I need you." She begged.

"But to have enough power to challenge Denarius?" he whispered deep in thought. She knew then he was lost. "What would you need from me?" he asked.

"Just a moment of your time." The demon replied.

The pressure built in the room and it felt like her head was compressing together. There was a sudden pop and the connection with him changed. It was then he turned on them. There was a feral look in his eyes and with a quick swipe of his broad sword he caught her across the abdomen. She didn't even feel the pain until she looked down and saw the blood quickly saturating her clothing. She touched it staring in disbelief. He took another swing at her and a bolt caught him in the chest. It threw him off and the sword went wide disturbing the air above her head. His attention was distracted by Varric who was screaming at her. Ander's was engaging the pride demon and by the look of blood was losing.

It would not end this way. She pulled on her magic and it came to her command in a rush. Her veins were on fire and she felt the blue flames begin to lick up her arms. She released it in a torrent and it came screaming out of her engulfing the demon instantly. The screams echoed around the chamber. Three bolts were fired in succession at the demons head while Fenris was getting up from the ground. It exploded in a cloud of blood and guts. She looked for Ander's and saw him lying on the ground, not moving. She made to run to the mage and there was a scream from behind her. Fenris had impaled Varric through the chest. The dwarf fell to the ground clutching his heart. Fenris's eyes turned to her. He walked towards her like a lion stalking its prey. Her vision was going in grey splotches as the blood continued to pour out of her wound.

"Fenris please, don't do this."

He twirled his blade in his hands as he walked slowly towards her. She backed up with each step he took. Her mind working overtime to try and figure a way out that would not involve killing him.

"Fenris, please don't make me hurt you." She pleaded.

He didn't respond or acknowledge her in any way. The blackness was closing and she couldn't concentrate. If she was forced to kill him she knew a part of her would die with him.

"Fenris." Her voice cracked, and the tears started to fall. He watched her warily but didn't attack. Why wasn't he attacking? She could barely see anymore. The grey splotches ate up so much of her vision. She knew that she would pass out soon and it would all be over.

She focused her magic and he was hurled to the other side of the room. She spared a look at Anders who was still lying on the ground. The elf quickly recovered his feet and her time was up.

She gathered all of her power, all of her magic, she pulled it around her like a warm blanket. She concentrated it into a ball within herself, pulling it all together to her core. She felt the tears falling from her eyes in a steady stream and she knew what she had to do. Her voice came out in a whisper, "Fenris, I'm sorry."

She pushed everything she had at him, into him. It felt the same way as when she had been able to heal him and the way their spirits had combined when they made love, but this energy was destructive. There was a massive bright light and Fenris was launched across the room. A scream was torn from her lips as agony lanced through her chest centering on her heart. It was only an echo of the scream that erupted from him. She felt something deep within her mind crack open. For just a moment she felt everything he felt. Pain, misery, rage, confusion, regret, and despair. She fell to the ground unable to keep her feet any longer. She could hear his heartbeat like an extra drum in her ear. It was slowing and hers was slowing to match it.

She lay on the ground for a moment trying to focus across the room at the still form of Fenris. She couldn't feel him anymore. Everything was silent. She willed herself to her knees and managed to crawl to his side. His face was empty of any expression, eyes closed and it appeared he was sleeping. She reached out a shaking hand and felt for the pulse she knew wouldn't be there. The tremors in her hands got worse and spread to her arms. She laid her head on his chest willing the life to flow back into him. _Not like this_, she thought, _not like this_. She looked for Anders and Varric. Their bodies were missing and almost as if on cue Fenris's body turned to mist beneath her hands, there was a gentle caress then it was gone.

She knelt there confused staring at the empty floor while the tremors slowly stopped. Practicality took over. There was no more she could do. She glanced down at the wounds on her chest pulling back the slit in her shirt. The skin was healed. She could see the pink scar of where they had been. She shook her head in wonderment. She slowly got to her feet, testing her balance and discovered she felt a bit battered but otherwise none the worse for wear. Shaking her head in wonderment she hurried back to the door to find Feynriel, the desperation to get back to reality driving her forward.

He was waiting for her in the courtyard looking rather perplexed. She reached his side and spoke to him briefly. She kept glancing around her unable to shake the feeling that she was being watched. They stopped talking and there was a perceptible tension in the air. It felt like the eye of a hurricane where everything is peacefully but you can see the wall of water and wind circling around you coming ever closer. She could feel it drawing near and knew they were in trouble.

"Feynriel we need to leave now."

"What is that? Can you feel it?"

"Yes and we need to leave now."

He became contemplative. "I can feel the stitches in the Fade. I think I can break it."

She got in front of Feynriel trying to protect him while he concentrated. There was a burst of pressure, an audible pop and a dark figure appeared before her. Its features were indiscernible but with each step it took towards her the darkness would peel away until finally her father stood before her.

It spoke and even the voice was her father's "Elise Marianna Hawke. Has my little ray of sunshine finally come to join me?" he asked with a lilt.

She kept her voice impassive although her heart was beating so hard she thought it would burst from her chest. "No, just passing through."

The figure that was her father looked let down, "That is a shame because I would so prefer you to come willingly then to have to force you."

"Sorry to disappoint you." she said warily.

It sighed heavily. "Very well. Are you sure you won't reconsider, we could be such a pair you and I." She had to keep it talking just long enough that Feynriel could break the fabric that held them there.

"What would be the terms exactly?"

Her father's features lit up. "Oh you know, total and complete submission. In return I will give you anything you desire."

"The only thing I desire is peace and a chance to have a real life."

Her father's eyebrows furrowed and one of his fingers tapped his lips as he thought. "That I can give you easily enough however there must be conditions met before I grant you this wish." She nudged Feynriel ever so slightly trying to tell him to hurry.

"And they would be?"

"Well there will be a certain amount of training required which will entail traveling."

"To where?"

"Minrathous of course."

"No not now. I have responsibilities here. My mother, my servants."

It waved its hand dismissively. "Problems that can be easily be taken care of."

"Well I can't just up and leave at the drop of a hat. Why don't you find someone else like Damin to do your bidding?"

"Ah yes there is that. However there is something that you have that no one else does."

"And that would be?"

"Well the better term is what you are and what you can become." It sighed delightfully "I have waited so long for you to be born again. So it makes you…should we say, a desirable commodity."

Her mind was running in circles…_born again_? "Right. Can I think about it?"

Her father tsked and it sounded all wrong coming from him. "You should know better by now than to ask that."

"Can't you pick a different form? My father never made that sound, its disturbing."

The demon smiled delightfully and the skin carefully remolded like putty, adding more slant to the nose, the skin darkened and the hair grew out somewhat and became white. She instantly wished she would have kept her mouth shut. He stood before her, not in his regular black armor but in a black tailored suit of sorts. It made him look more elegant and refined.

"Is this more to your taste?" He asked taunting her. It was even the same voice. She felt her body tighten and she instantly hated herself for it.

She let out a deep sigh. "Not really."

His face became annoyed. "Can we finish with this charade? I have other things to take care of."

She felt the tingle of magic from behind her. Fenris's featured twisted into rage and she wanted to laugh because it was an expression she as comfortable with.

"It is time for us to go sunshine." And he grabbed her arm roughly.

She heard Feynriel's voice from behind her. "No" he said sternly. There was heat behind her. "It is time for you to go." There were flames in one hand and a cut on his palm that oozed blood in the other. He held the knife aloft. "With fire and blood you were summoned" and Fenris's face turned to one of surprise. "And with fire and blood I cast you out."

The pressure began to build again. A smile lit up Fenris's face, "You are lucky this time sunshine but next time I will not be so lenient." There was another pop and he was gone.

She sagged against Feynriel. "Let's get out of here now." She said with relief.

"With pleasure!"

When she had woken they were waiting. Fenris was pacing the room and she could feel the simmering anger that built with each step.

She held her hand up before they could anything. "I need a drink first."

Varric smiled, "I second that notion."

They walked to the Hanged Man in silence.

His glass slammed down on the table drawing attention from the rest of the group as he sat there with a frown on his face. She could feel his anger but it was like a distant hum. As long as she kept her composure she was ok.

Isabella prodded, who was now unfortunately sober and as nosey as she always was, "What is your problem Fenris? You seem extra broody today."

He shook his head and said, "Nothing."

Varric broke the news. "Oh he's just upset he gave into a demon's temptation. I've already forgiven him for killing me and for almost getting us all killed but he won't let it go."

Isabella raised her eyebrows in surprise. "He picked a demon over his Hawke."

That made her snort with derision, "Please don't go there and I am not his Hawke."

The pirate made a tsking sound, "Oh you are his, no one else will approach you for fear of him. Well, that and the way you two look at each other."

"Isabella stop" she said forcefully trying to contain her anguish.

"Honestly you two are acting like children. Can't you just have it out and make up already."

"Please Isabella" she begged, "There is nothing to fix. He doesn't want me". She felt the first crack in her will and she realized this wasn't such a good idea. She felt the tears welling in her eyes. She would not cry again. She would not spend a second more crying over him.

Fenris stood up abruptly and the chair made a loud scrapping sound against the floor. "I followed her into the fade against my better judgment to help a mage we should have just killed. I regret what happened but she is partially to blame."

"You blame me. I told you not to go unless you wanted to."

"And I will always follow you. You are strong Hawke, not all mages are like you, in fact there are no mages like you. I just hope we don't all regret the day you learn just how true that is."

She wasn't sure how to respond to that, so she didn't.

"Fine so you had a moment of weakness, whatever, so get over it and jump in bed already. I can't take this moping around you two do anymore your ruining my mood."

"It is done Isabella let it be." The way he said it, the finality in his voice broke through her self-control. She couldn't be there anymore.

"I need to go." She turned abruptly and walked as quickly as she could for the door. There was a shout behind her that she ignored. She opened it just as the first few tears began to fall.


	10. Sleep

**A Brief Interlude Update: 6/21/2013-not much needed on this one.**

He couldn't make himself stay after he watched Anders leave in pursuit of Hawke. He had tried. Hell, Isabella had even whispering in his ear things she would like to do to him. It didn't work though. He couldn't contain the jealousy that burned through his blood when the abomination ran after her. He had left the Hanged Man in a rush, Isabella cursing behind him. He came out into the streets and had no idea in which direction she headed. He knew she wouldn't go home. She never went home. He'd followed her enough times now since that night staying far enough away that he couldn't feel her call but close enough so he could see her. He knew she would probably head down to the docks. It was where she ended up most nights. She would sit silently sometimes, or sing quietly to herself. For the first two weeks after that night she would just sit there and cry. Those were the nights he had to physically hold himself back from embracing her. Those were the nights he had cursed to himself continuously for his decision. Those were the nights that his skin throbbed the most for her touch. Those were the nights…..

His jaw clenched in frustration. He had watched her sleep so many times. The first time he had entered through her balcony and she lay sprawled on the sheets like a great sleeping cat. He had sat by her just watching, trying to understand this pull he felt towards her. He was able to stay away from her for so long until he had seen her out one night and followed her home. It was soon after he had the fight with Donnic then things had so quickly gone downhill. He had come to her every night since she returned only to find her bed empty. He had explored the house and found her asleep in the library, tossing and turning on the small couch. He watched her at first it was to keep her safe but now….

He didn't understand this feeling. What started out as an exchanged smile, a jest, a lingering gaze, had despite his best attempts grown into this need, this desperation, this thought consuming, sleep depriving, skin aching drive to be near her, to hear her voice, to touch her skin, to….possess her. He didn't know any one person could make him feel like this. He didn't understand it, hadn't wanted it, convinced himself he didn't need it, and was powerless to stop it. He tried to lie to himself using her lack of control as an excuse, then his desire to see her safe as justification but he knew deep down the real reason. He couldn't let her go. But he had made a decision and he would stay true to it even if it killed him, and it was slowly. It was the only good quality he had left. He had already proven that he was disloyal, would betray her for his own gain, was a coward with his heart, would go back on his word if it proved useful, and would cause her more pain by staying by her side. He approached a large building and the ever present ache became too much. He punched a wall as he walked past leaving a large imprint in the bricks. A pair of thugs thought better of approaching him and hurried past to find weaker prey.

He couldn't leave her. God knows he had tried. Every time he would get out to the Free Marches and the strain to be close to her would become so strong, the compulsion to turn around would make every step further agony. So he stayed, becoming her faceless guardian, her dark shadow, her gatekeeper, her…slave.

That brought on the anger in a wash, bringing back the ache in his brands that had stayed silent since her intimate touch. He embraced the pain, welcomed it as a distraction from this pull to be at her side. So many nights he had wasted sitting by her sleeping form, his hand hovering just over the surface of her skin, feeling the contentment her nearness brought him. She would thrash wildly, calling out to him in her sleep, begging for him to stay, and it cut him up inside a little more. He would never leave her side until she commanded it, until she cast him out. Part of him wished she would. It was the part of him that wanted to be free of her. It was the part that despised all mages, all slavers, anyone who would seek to control him. He fought it, fought against the desire, pushed her aside, cast her out like so much trash for fear of what she would turn him into. What he would become. He was no one's slave, no one's toy, no one's amusement, no one's food. But he couldn't ignore the scream in the back of his skull that this is what he would become should he give himself to her. It was fear…fear of the unknown, fear of the risk, fear of the change, fear of this obsession.

He closed his eyes, she was close, and he could feel it in his skin, his blood, his heart, his very core. Every nerve in his body sang out to her like a great chorus, calling to her, begging for her caress, for the feel of her heart beating next to his. He held his breath and clung to the shadows that the building provided and listened….

"Hawke…Elise….don't do this to me. Not unless you mean it. It has been so hard to watch you and that…him."

"What word were you going to say?"

The abomination sighed, "Beast. I just don't understand….What the hell do you see in him?"

"I…..Fenris is…..I don't know anymore."

"Well I can teach you how to control your joined auras. It will at least give you some relief, some measure of separation."

"What if I don't want to be separated from him" He could hear the anguish in her voice. "What if I…."

"What if you what?"

She sighed in defeat, "Nothing."

"He doesn't deserve you" Ander's responded.

Sorrow filled her voice making it crack. "It doesn't stop meet from wanting it. It doesn't matter anymore. He just….He made me feel safe for the first time in my life. That I didn't always have to be the strong one, the leader, the rock. Around him I could just be….me"

He heard Ander's intake of breath, "There are other's that would gladly take his place.

Then silence….

His heart was beating rapidly waiting for her reply.

"Ander's I….I can't…..I don't know….I need to think."

"Meet me tomorrow?"

She replied absentmindedly, "Yes of course, training."

He saw the shadow of Ander's form as he walked past him heading towards Dark town. He ventured closer as he heard her walk towards the ends of the docks, staring up at the starless sky. The wind picked up, the biting chill cutting through his armor. She shivered and sighed deeply and turned to leave. He quickly retreated until she walked past him back towards her mansion. He watched her go walking slowly far behind her

The rain started to fall, just a few drops here and there not enough to make him wet. He walked faster. He hated himself for leaving her, but Ander's was right. She deserved better. Perhaps he could bear….then thoughts of her and the abomination locked in a lust filled embrace consumed his thoughts. Rage…so much rage. _No….please God, Maker, or whatever you are…..please don't let her chose him_. As if in answer the soft rain became a downpour, quickly soaking him from head to foot. He snorted in disgust at himself. Guess that was answer enough and he quickly picked up his pace back to Hightown.


	11. Dancing in the Streets

**Update: 6/21/2013- not much needed on this one either.**

The Spring Equinox was here, the festival soon to be in full swing. In a couple of hours the streets of Hightown would be full of people drinking, dancing and carrying on. The weather was warming and soon the planting would begin. Their group had decided to meet at the Hanged Man as usual to enjoy the Lowtown's version of the Festival, the only difference being it included more alcohol, more fights, more dancing, and more sexual public displays which in turn lead to a great deal of voyeurism. He just finished up pawning the last of his recent findings as he strolled up the steps slowly into his room. Having gotten the better end of a deal he was in high spirits. Two familiar voices caught his ear.

"…and then I got down on my hands and knees and sucked the pure water straight from the glacier."

He heard Isabella's voice burst out laughing.

Sebastian's voice was reproachful, "Oh Maker! Really!"

She came back and teased, "Did you probe any crevasses while you were on the glacier?"

The exiled prince sighed in irritation, "Are you done?"

Isabella replied not sounding the least bit apologetic, "I'm sorry, I have a lot of pent up frustration as of late."

Varric turned the corner into his room. They glanced up at him when he entered. Isabella had her feet up on his table the chair balanced on the two back legs with her hands resting behind her head. She had a wicked grin on her face. Sebastian was across the table from her and down one chair leaning forward on the edge looking thoroughly annoyed. He went and took his seat at the head of the table

"Does your mind ever contain thoughts that don't belong in a gutter somewhere?" Sebastian asked.

Varric snorted, "Do beavers pass up good wood?"

He saw Isabella's grin widen and he knew the next words coming out of her mouth. "Ooo, do you wanna feed my beaver some wood Varric?" She asked with a lilt.

He chuckled, "Oh Rivani, if I did that then Bianca would feel so left out." Anders walked in, "Ask Blondie he might jack his wood for you."

Her eyes shifted to the mage as he walked in.

"Whatever you two have found to talk about leave me out of it" Anders said before she could say anything. He took the empty seat across from her which was his first mistake.

The pirate pouted at first but then began to study Anders. "What happened to your eye? Did you get sucker punched?"

He spared a quick glance and nod at Merrill as she walked in. She took the empty seat next to Isabella with her pint in hand. All of the attention was focused on the warden. Varric sensed a story coming. His eyes flicked to Anders who was brandishing a large black and blue right eye. The swelling must have gone down so it looked fairly normal except for the discoloration.

"Nothing happened." He said in way of explanation. "Had a small mishap in the clinic is all."

"What did you do, try probing someone with your rod?" Isabella said making a rude gesture.

He scowled at her but said nothing.

"Oh come now Blondie something must have happened, someone with a mean left hook by the looks of it." _Wait_, he thought, _why does that thought jog my memory_. He shook his head once. "Besides, why didn't you just heal it?"

Anders snarled at them, "You don't think I tried that. Do I look like an amateur to you? The stubborn thing won't heal."

Merrill chimed in with her soft voice looking at Anders peculiarly. "Don't be silly that would mean that the person who gave you that has enough power to stop you from healing it. That's ridiculous, not to mention unheard of. Are you having trouble with your magic? I could try and help you. Magic can get blocked up sometimes if you're going through a lot of emotional stuff or if you're unsure of your abilities. You would be surprised how much magic is held back when someone thinks they're weak or out of control or just insecure of themselves. And I'm rambling again. Sorry."

"Like I would except help from a blood mage. You would probably sell my soul to the nearest demon and not even realize you did it. No thank you!" He scathed.

Isabella was grinning. "I can think of something that is blocked up in him and it's not his emotions."

"Rivani give the man a break." Varric admonished but he couldn't hide his smile completely.

Anders ignored the comment. "So are the others coming soon? I'd like to get started so I can get back without getting soaked."

"My ,my Anders that sounds like a personal problem." The pirate said with a smile

"I…wait what?" he said looking perplexed. Realization dawned on his face, "Oh come on! I meant the rain that will be coming. The skies are almost black."

Varric brought his two fingers to his chin tapping it lightly. "I do wonder what they will do about that. It will get mighty crowded in here."

Fenris came in next with his bottle of wine and borrowed glass and sat next to Sebastian. What a snob he was, bringing his own bottle of Aggrio. For being a former slave he sure did have expensive taste. The only person they were missing now was Hawke. Aveline couldn't make it for obvious reasons, general mayhem and drunkenness in the streets, which also meant Donnic wouldn't be coming either which was a shame.

"Where's Hawke?" he asked.

"She's coming." Fernis stated matter of factly.

"Keeping tabs on her are we?" Anders asked viciously.

He looked at the former warden with exasperation, "Who pissed in your porridge this morning Blondie, you're pricklier than a porcupine with a scab?"

The mage didn't even look at him. His eyes were only for the elf down the table from him. There was envy and hatred in that look.

Fenris didn't let the matter drop though, "If it keeps you out of her bed then yes I'll keep tabs on her."

This is an interesting turn of events, Varric thought. She's trying to bed Anders now. He sighed, this woman needs a more stable man in her life. It was a shame because she wouldn't find him in this lot. He pulled his cards out and started to shuffle them listening to their heated exchange.

Ander's eyes became slits, "And how do you think Hawke would feel about you watching her if she knew?"

There were footsteps coming up the stairs. "I would say considering what I did to your eye it isn't necessary." Hawke said all smiles as she entered the room.

They all greeted Hawke as she took the vacant seat next to Merrill smiling slightly at Fenris. Well that was unexpected. It had only been a few days since the event in the Fade. What could have changed so suddenly? Or perhaps she was just in a good mood. He remembered now the night many years ago when they first met. Their then small group only contained himself, Hawke, her brother and Aveline. They had gathered around his table drinking and talking. Carver was complaining as usual and Hawke having finally heard enough of his whiney voice had punched him. Carver had shrugged it off and shot her a look.

"You call that a punch."

"I call it a warning. The next will be a fireball up your arse."

Carver huffed at her in irritation, "The least you can do is learn to throw a 'good' hook so you don't rely so much on your magic."

She laughed, "And I suppose you're going to teach me?"

"I could if you would put away your pride and listen like you listened to father."

Hawke snorted but then became thoughtful. "Alright fine, let's see what your experience in Ostagar has taught you."

It wasn't long after that when Hawke had knocked Carver on his ass with her left hook. He smiled at the memory having so often wanting to do it himself. He had looked at her with admiration after that. She was a quick study. She learned how to throw knives too, courtesy of Isabella who joined soon after. There was a game they played here sometimes that involved throwing knives at a bull's-eye. Once she was adept at that she made her way swindling people out of their coin by challenging them to a game and hustling them. It was quite comical until Aveline found out and put an end to it.

Isabella broke his reverie, "We should have a contest for best scowl. Look at the two of them it's hilarious," she said gesturing at Fenris and Anders.

Varric commented nonchalantly, "That would be no contest. The elf has much more practice."

"Oh will you leave and go find some poor sot to pass your diseases to." Anders replied in annoyance.

The pirate let her chair fall forward on all four legs and got up to lean over the table staring straight into the mages eyes. She made sure he got full view of her cleavage and the promise it entailed.

She said with a sultry voice, "Only if you'll be my poor sot. I do so long to see what's under that feathery pauldron of yours."

He watched as Blondie seemed unable to help himself. His eyes went down to her cleavage staring with a dark look of desire. When he realized what he was doing he turned a light shade of pink and cursed.

Varric's eyes flicked back to Isabella who sat back down on her seat laughing with a grin from ear to ear. He shook his head. That woman needed to learn to put a filter on her mouth. It was bound to bite her in the ass eventually.

Hawke glanced at Anders, "Why didn't you just heal the bruise?" Her facial expression changed into one of playfulness, "Oh wait, are you wearing it as a badge of honor?"

Anders hurt look said it all. She had denied him, rather aggressively he thought for a bruise like that.

Isabella chimed in again, "Oh Hawke we already covered this he can't because he's all blocked up with a burning need for release, probably between your legs I would guess."

That was the moment Anders stood up abruptly and left in a rush of swishing robes.

Hawke called after him probably having felt bad "Wait Anders come back. I'm sorry I'll stop."

It did no good though, the mage was long gone.

The elf snorted, "Good Riddance."

Varric sighed heavily feeling bad for the poor mage. He liked Blondie even if he was obsessed with a need to free all mages and picked fights with anyone against it. Soon after things became somewhat hazy. The drinking was overdone and people were making out in every dark corner. At some point they stopped playing cards and the dancing began. Not him, of course, he would never dance but Hawke, Isabella and Merrill had joined the crowd downstairs. They moved to a smaller table in the bar area and laughed watching the three constantly trip over their feet. It was the happiest he had seen Hawke. She twirled around in circles, her eyes closed as she danced with the music. She looked beautiful and carefree. From the looks of the other men in the room he wasn't the only one that had noticed. He spared a glance at the elf who was watching her intently with something bordering on obsession.

Isabella ran into Hawke who went sprawling into the nearest person, which just so happened to be Fenris. They had both gazed at each other for a moment and he could see the monumental amount of words that went unsaid between the two of them. Hawke had backed up quickly looking at the floor and Fenris stood as ridged as a pole and silent as ever. He exhaled loudly.

When would they see? When would they risk their hearts as they risked their lives every day? When would they finally give in to the pull they had to each other? When….he shook his head, knowing with their stubbornness it was likely to happen sometime during the next blight, or when mabari's learned to fly which ever happened first. Until then they would all be doomed to watch this awful awkwardness as the two learned how to be around each other again. On the bright side though at least they were learning.

Sometime later the bar became so crowded and the heat emanating off all the bodies was stifling. Isabella had retired to her room with a rather burley looking sailor after putting on quite a display for all the other townspeople. It wasn't until the barkeep had actually threatened to kick her out that she finally went upstairs. Merrill was completely inebriated and was driving a very sober looking Sebastian nuts with her endless rambling. Hawke was sitting quietly almost falling over as the nights events took their toll. He glanced at the elf who sat watching his Hawke. When her head finally fell to the table in a thump Fernis stood scooping her up in his arms and mumbled something to him about bringing her home. He smiled at the two of them as they left.

The elf did his best to hide it, looking stoic as ever, but her saw the tension leave the elf's shoulders when he pulled her into his arms. He would never leave her side. Someday they would find peace in each other arms he could only hope they didn't wait forever. Perhaps someday their story would make it into one of his books.


	12. Haunted

**Updated: 6/21/2013**

She had woken up briefly during the trip, her mind not quite putting all the pieces together as the slow sway of his gait lolled her back into a half sleep. She could feel his aura pressing on hers but it was at the edge of her thoughts, like a distant dream. After what seemed like seconds she heard the creak of her front door causing her to drift back into awareness. He brought her inside her darkened home. All of her servants and her mother having gone to sleep long ago she expected him to bring her to her bedroom. When he turned left into the library instead of going up the stairs she had wondered how he had known. He laid her down carefully on the couch trying not to wake her. She heard a sigh leave his lips when they stopped touching and she wondered hazily if it was one of relief or longing. When he brought the lone blanket that lay on top of the couch over her body she reached out and grabbed his wrist. There was the instant connection of their auras joining making her sigh inwardly at its completeness. His eyes widened at her in surprise.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you." He whispered as she closed her eyes letting his voice travel down her body caressing her in a way nothing else could.

"No, it's ok." she whispered back as she opened her eyes and gazed up at him.

He knelt down beside the couch looking awkward and unsure as his eyes flicked to the floor and then the bookshelves behind her, unable to make eye contact. She could see the battle that waged within, debating, always at war he was whether with someone else or himself it didn't matter. He closed his eyes and his expression became unreadable, his arm twitched in her grasp and she let him go. She bit back the gasp that almost escaped her lips at the sudden emptiness she felt as the connection snapped and became a distant echo. She let her arm go limp hanging off the couch towards him a perfect example of what she was forever doing, reaching out but never attaining.

When he didn't move she turned away facing the back of the couch and curled her knees up into her chest. She closed her eyes hoping in a way he would just go away. It was too painful to be reminded of something she couldn't have when their auras combined like that. She let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding when the quiet click of the door closing behind her came to her ears. She relaxed trying to get herself to fall asleep, listening to the wind whistle against the window. A few moments later the air in the room shifted and she guessed the door had been opened.

A hand caressed her waist and she felt the joining of their auras again. There was a weird pulling sensation she hadn't experienced before and she felt like she could fall to her knees right there and live in the dream. She turned around to face him, confusion, anger and excitement warred within her. Why was he doing this? Why was he toying with her? Didn't he know the pain this caused her, the emptiness she felt when he left. Her anger won and she slapped his hand away. The connection broke.

She could not stop the grief from showing in her voice. "You cannot do this. You are either with me or you are not. This is not a game anymore." Her eyes watered as she sat up on the couch. She wanted to curse at herself for letting it show, "It hurts too much."

They were now eye to eye as he kneeled in front of her, leaving just enough space between them as not to touch her. She focused on his face and she could see his need, his desire to reach out and take her in his arms. Part of her wanted it so badly and the other screamed that this would only end in more pain. He broke the stare first looking down at the floor and took a deep breath.

"I can't fight it. I don't want to fight it. This…" he hesitated as he stared at his hands, his fists clenching as he searched for the words, "craving." His hands opened and splayed outwards in a wordless yearn to brush up against her legs. "Please" he said and that one word held such pain, such passion, such hunger that she no longer wanted to deny herself.

She studied him for a few moments, more praying to every god there was that this would not end like before. She didn't think she could survive it. She leaned forward running her hands along either side of his jaw, she sighed when she felt the connection again. She brought her mouth to his in a tentative touch, a brush of lips and that was all he needed. A hand latched around the back of her neck pulling her roughly into him, his lips pressing against hers with such strength that she was forced to open her mouth or be cut against her own teeth. His tongue slipped in and he groaned, his other hand traveling up her waist in a gentle caress to stop just below one breast as his thumb circled the outline of it. She moaned into his mouth and suddenly all she wanted was his skin in contact with hers. Their auras were entwining as they poured energy into each other. It was more powerful than before, drawing out every desire, every need, and every want until all she could think about was giving herself to him body and soul. That thought alone made her pause, this wasn't her, and something was off. It was distant, discordant and out of tune with hers, it wasn't right, this wasn't him. She broke the kiss abruptly and backed up onto the back of the couch.

Fenris's smiled and sighed. "You still taste as good as I remember although the passage of time does cloud that memory a bit." He paused, "Couple Hundred years or so, time passes so quickly its hard to be sure."

She realized with sudden horror that this definitely was not Fenris kneeling before her. Her stomach churned threatening to make her spew everything in her stomach at the thought of what she almost did.

She pulled her magic to her in a rush of heat and blasted it at the thing that wore Fenris's body. He shuddered and she watched in terror as he simply absorbed it into his body. He tsked her, waving his finger back and forth.

"So rude you humans are." He said with disdain. "You call us, pulling us into your world and demand we do you're bidding only to curse us back to the Fade when you are done. Your species has no manners, Elise Marianne Hawke."

"I didn't summon you. I don't even know how to summon you without a name other than what Damin called you, 'The Dark One.'" She said practically spitting at him, "Why are you here?"

Fenris rolled his eyes and stood. A blue black cloud burst around him and dispersed just as quickly to reveal a man with strong angular features, blood red eyes, dark brown shoulder length wavy hair, wide muscular shoulders and a narrow waist. He wore a blue velvet frock coat with a high collar, black trousers tucked into black leather boots, completing the outfit with a black top hat and cane. Altogether he was rather attractive looking for a demon and she felt the sudden need to run her fingers through his hair. She shook her head in confusion at the thought. He smiled knowingly, tugging at the white lace fringe out from underneath the coat on each wrist and leaned on his cane.

"Ah yes, Damin Alcide Melthas was not very inventive. I have had many names over the years but my summoning name is Raskahas Sha Kuru" he said bowing from the waist, "and this is just a friendly visit."

"How did you leave the Fade?"

"I had a little help from someone who doesn't like you very much."

She snorted in derision, "That list is becoming quite long these days, he'll have to get in line."

The demon smiled, it was haunting and malicious. The alcohol that was still in her system was addling her inhibitions making her reckless. She quickly sobered and glanced at the door. Her entire household was asleep, Fenris was gone, and her only means of escape was behind the demon. The icy knife of fear was sliding down her spine as she began to realize she had very few means of escape.

"What do you want Ra?" She said with indifference, glad the fear wasn't creeping through.

He frowned at the nickname and shook his head in admonishment. "Such manners" he replied. After a long exaggerated sigh he answered, "I just want to talk is all."

She raised an eyebrow. _Riiight_ she thought. "And what is it you would like to talk about?" she asked politely folding her hands in her lap.

He smiled brightly at her to reveal his straight perfect teeth. He materialized a very comfy looking chair in his hand placing it across from her. He pushed the tails on his jacket back in a flourish and sat down.

"I would like to pick up where we left off last time before we were so rudely interrupted by the Dreamer."

Dreamer, he meant Feynriel banishing him. She would have to find out how he did that. She nodded her head, "Of course. I am surprised it has taken you so long."

He gave her a look that resembled the one a parent would give a child. "I have a life too you know."

"Oh, right. I would think I would be at the top of your list though." She said without thinking. What was she doing taunting a demon. She shook her head at herself, she was an idiot.

He smirked. "Oh you are, my little bird." The name made her want to vomit.

"Please don't call me that."

He leaned forward in his chair, "And what would you like me to call you. 'Sunshine', or how about 'my little Sunsinger'."

She felt the blood drain from her face and he laughed.

"Ah yes I know that nickname too. I know much more about you than you think. Your father was or should I say is an extraordinary man."

"How would you know my father? What do you mean is? He did not deal with demons."

He raised both eyebrows in question and sat back in the chair, tapping his fingertips together. "So sure are you? I suspect there are many things about your father you do not know."

She felt the anger in her rise. "What do you mean is?" she asked again with more insistence. Her father couldn't be alive. She watched him die, watched him waste away to nothing as the disease ate him from the inside out. They buried him and stood over his grave.

He shrugged, "As in still alive, still able to converse for the most part."

It had been years since his passing, however she still felt the hollowness every day. Lies, it was all lies. "Are we done here? I refuse to sit here and listen to this nonsense."

His face broke into a smile, it was ugly with a promise of pain. "Oh we are far from done my little Sunsinger. I have been promised something I intend to collect."

"Not from me you haven't." she said unsure of herself.

"No" he shook his head, "not from you my dear, but I have been promised you and I will have you."

Damin, she thought, it must have been Damin making promises so he could get more power. 'Waste of Breath' she cursed to herself. "Damin could not promise something that was never his."

The demon stood up straight and tall, looking so much like the nobleman he portrayed. "Oh he made many promises he couldn't keep but only blood can promise blood. And I have waited so long for you. Too long. " He said vaguely.

Her brow furrowed in annoyance. "What exactly does that mean?"

Ra sighed in exasperation, "Do you make it a habit of being this dense?"

She frowned and retorted, "Do you make it a habit of being this obtuse?"

"Enough." He said sternly quickly rising to his feet. "I have come to collect you. It is time to go."

His hand darted out in a flash as she jumped up on the sofa but he was too close. He grabbed her by the wrist pulling her off the couch, towards the door. She shoved against him. She tapped into her magic drawing it to the surface as he tugged her ever closer. She knew somehow that if he got her out of her house she would be taken to his sanctuary or wherever it was that demon's went.

She felt the static charge trickle up the length of the arm he was holding onto and she released the bolt of electricity into him. He stopped, wavering for a moment as she tried to pull free. His iron grip did not relinquish. He absorbed it and rebounded it back to her. Her eyes widened a second before the agony burst across her entire body. She fell to the ground screaming trying to take her own magic back into her. Her aura flared with a sudden brilliance and the agony decreased to a dull throb. The excess was coiling quickly in her mind instead of finding its destructive release and burning her brain to a crisp. He turned to her suddenly, as her body still tried to absorb the shock.

"Impressive, such a quick learner. I shall enjoy this more than I thought."

He made his way towards the door again, his hand still locked around her wrist. He dragged her swiftly across the floor. Her body was numb and her vision cleared slowly. She prayed, prayed to any god that would listen. _Don't let him take me, please don't let him take me. I don't want to become a monster._

They exited the house and he paused a moment to glance back. "Do not make such idle requests when you have no idea who is listening."

Her eyes widened in fear, had he just heard her thoughts.

Ra growled looking up at the sky. "No" he said speaking to some unseen force, "she is mine."

A fireball burst from the shadows hurling itself towards the two of them. The demon raised a hand and shouted something in another language. It must not have worked as the ball of flame hurled towards them hitting Ra square in the chest. The force knocked him back off his feet. She was hurled across the ground with him until the demon's grip released. Her arm was burning and she rapidly swiped at the small oily ball of flame. She cried out when she brushed the charred skin underneath. A dark form emerged shouting something in a different language, elven maybe?

The demon sat up, his eyes became slits, "Do not interfere elf. This is not your concern."

The voice spoke something quick in elven tongue, the glint of a knife appeared. There was a small grunt of pain and a hand cut across the air splattering blood on the demon.

Ra stood voice laced with hatred. "You will pay for this." The air pressure changed quickly followed by a loud pop and the demon was gone.

The elf kneeled down at her side, casting light on his features. She recognized the robes.

"You're the first enchanter!" She said shocked.

He smiled warmly. "Yes Hawke. It is so nice to finally meet you although I wish it was under better circumstances."

She couldn't help but be embarrassed. Suddenly the thought occurred to her what he must think she was doing she could help the defensive tone that came to her voice then. "I do not work blood magic. This demon comes from someone that hunted me for a very long time."

He nodded his head still smiling, "Of course." He stood giving her a hand to help her up. She took it, his hand was dry and warm in hers as he pulled her to her feet. She brushed the dirt from her clothes and glanced up at him.

"Thank you for getting rid of him. How did you do that? I've only seen in done once before in the Fade."

Orsino's eyes widened. "In the Fade? That should be impossible, it being the demons realm unless of course you're a….Dreamer." His expression changed to understanding. "You know of Feynriel. I didn't think he had learned so much already."

"Yes, but that is a long story." She said sighing. "So how did you get rid of him?"

He turned towards the direction of the gallows. "Walk with me and we can talk."

They started walking slowly out of Hightown. "I banished him back to the Fade. Demons can only be summoned with a sacrifice of blood. It is meant to weaken you but at the same time also open your mind up to manipulation. Hence why blood magic is often synonymous with demons. You banish them the same way with the spilling of blood, but the introduction of fire is meant to be a cleansing element forcing the evil out of this realm and back into the Fade. In the Fade it works much the same way I presume, however you must have the ability of manipulating the Fade to do so, in essence being a dreamer. Unfortunately for most mages that are pulled into the Fade by demons, this is not the case. So they are stuck, most are bought and sold by other demons, others become a demons power base depending on how powerful the mage is and even some become their slaves and personal play toys."

She shuddered, "I would not want to be at the whims of a demon."

Orsino shook his head, "Nor I, Hawke, Nor I."

"So is that all? Spill some blood, throw some fire, and tell them to get lost."

The first enchanter smiled. "In a manner of speaking, yes. Often times you will be tempted by them before they are cast out, it is internal, like hearing voices in your head," he explained. "It is more or less a battle of wills. Your will must be strong and prepared for it because if there is the slightest hint of doubt it will not work and the banishing will backfire giving them an opening to dig their claws in and pull you into the Fade."

"Oh, not so easy then."

He chuckled under his breath, "If the mage is trained well and shows a strong sense of dominance and willpower in the face of chaos then it is achievable. That is the reason I was so surprised when you mentioned Feynriel. But if he was able to do that then I will not worry about him anymore."

They walked for a time in silence before she asked her next question.

"Do you know anything about aura bonding?"

He looked at her surprised, "Aura bonding? Yes." Then he stopped in his tracks and stared at her for a few moments, seeing her but with eyes that were unfocused as if looking for something else entirely. He blinked quickly a few times and continued forward.

"Was it with someone you love?" He asked tentatively using the past tense.

"I…."she hesitated thinking. She had never said the words to him, too scared to say them for what it would mean. Everyone that she loved left her. Then she laughed miserably. "Yes, I suppose so. How did you know?"

"There is a hole in your aura right above your heart." He did not prod anymore for which she was grateful but looked at her regretfully. "It is impossible to unravel two auras once they have joined, but there are ways you can block it if you so desire. It signifies the recognition of souls, it is beautiful and rare thing." His expression was clearly pained when he asked, "Is there no chance?"

She laughed but it was only to stop herself from crying. "No" she said bitterly.

He sighed, "For that I am truly sorry. The gods test us in many ways my child. We must be strong even if the entire universe is set against us and pray."

She choked down the resentful laugh. "I pray constantly and never receive any help."

"When we are going through challenges and wonder where the gods are when they don't answer our pleas, we must remember that the teacher is always quiet during a test." There was no judgment in his tone but the correction was there.

She snorted but said nothing. They reached the courtyard and he turned to her.

"If you wish I can teach you how to block the connection, push him out so you don't have to feel everything he feels unless you choose to."

"I don't feel what he feels" she said confused, "all I sense is contentment and happiness, like I was broken before and now I am whole."

He smiled at her and grabbed her by the shoulders, "Don't you understand. That is what he's feeling." He paused to let it sink in. "Perhaps all hope is not lost?"

"Perhaps" she said feeling the first glimmer of hope she had since that night long ago.

"Come, let us train you so you at least have some control over the joining."

…...

She woke up to a cacophony of voices downstairs. She rolled over in her bed, having slept in it for the first time in months and it felt liberating in a way. She looked out the window, the sun was high in the sky. _Great_, she thought despondently, she had only slept a few hours. She had not made her way home until well after sunrise, having spent most of the night with Orsino in what he called training, and what she called pure torture. Since he couldn't duplicate the way her aura would combine with Fenris's he was forced other more invasive forms. He had cast a spell that was meant to invade one's mind and delve into their thoughts. After many many hours of Orsino seeing into her most private moments she had finally given up, thoroughly frustrated and annoyed she had forced him stop. She couldn't be a natural at everything apparently. She turned back over into her bed, closed her eyes begging for sleep to come. Her head pounded like a child playing drums in her head which she assumed was from the helpful but utterly useless torment she had inflicted on herself at Orsino's hands. Although, it was possible the headache was from the alcohol she consumed last night. Gods was that only last night. As it was she couldn't shield or block out anyone worth a mabari's shit which was just fantastic. People should be able to cut out their hearts and survive it… it would hurt less.

The voices downstairs became more heated, what they were saying she had no idea. She rolled unto her back raising an arm to lie over her eyes. A soft knock came at the door and she scowled.

"Yes" she shouted, none too happy to be disturbed.

"I'm sorry to wake you messir but your uncle has come looking for your mother. I haven't seen her since this morning when she received the white lilies from her secret admirer."

Her arm came down as she stared at the canopy of her bed, deep in thought.

"Did you say lilies? White lilies?" Was it possible? No…..couldn't be. What were the chances that her mother would be chosen by that psychopath they had yet to catch? She shook her head, not willing to accept it. Her mother was probably out helping some destitute orphan as she was wont to do since they came to live in Hightown. She suspected it was her mother's way of dealing with the guilt of having left her children to die of starvation when their father had died. She understood it but couldn't stop the resentment from creeping in. After all these years she still couldn't forgive her for what she had done.

"I'll be down shortly Bodhan".

An few hours later found her in the company of Fenris, Varric, and Sebastian as they followed Gascard's blood magic to find her mother. They turned a corner after dispatching another few dozen demons and shades to find the psychotic mage standing, facing them, in front of a woman that was slumped over slightly.

"I was wondering when you'd show up. Leandra was so sure you would come." He said his voice making the hairs on the back of her neck stand.

"Mother always knew me best." She said sarcastically.

"Yes and she spoke so fondly of you. What a lovely gentle woman." The mage commented, looking down at the body in front of him. Mother! That must be her mother. She was alive, thank the gods.

"Quentin." Gascard shouted in anger.

The other man looked up as if just seeing him for the first time. "Gascard, so you've reached me after all these years. I figured you gave up."

_This man was an idiot_, she thought_, although apparent a psychotic one_. "Why are you afraid? Did you think he would have forgotten what you did?" she exclaimed her voice laced with contempt.

The mages features twisted in amusment "Afraid of Gascard?" The laughter burst from his lips, grating along her skin. The laughter died and the arrogance returned, "No…Gascard respects me too much to kill me.

Gascards's orlesain accent became thicker with his disdain for the man. "No, I am going to learn your secrets old man. Everything you kept from me."

She couldn't stop the look of surprise and the resulting hatred from showing in her voice. "I will kill you for this deception."

He glanced over at her as if she should understand. "I didn't deceive you totally. The plan was always to kill Quentin, we can still work together. Once he's dead you'll have your mother back, and his research and writings will be mine."

"I'm sorry Gascard" Quentin muttered turning back to her mother, "When my wife died I lost all hope. I wasn't the mentor you deserved. But now my work is finished and I can teach you as I always meant to. Come back to me Gascard." He begged.

"You'll let me be part of this, teach me the secrets of necromancy?" the betrayer asked with surprise.

She could see in coming now. He would turn on her to learn more blood magic. The revulsion swirled in front of her eyes in great red arcs.

Gascard opened his mouth to say something when an arrow burst through his neck spraying her with blood. Her eyes shifted back at Varric as he walked up behind the dead mage and pulled out his arrow. She gave him an exasperated look.

"What?" he asked innocently like he hadn't just shot a man in the back of the neck with an arrow and killed him. "You were going to do that right?"

She sighed to herself as she wiped the blood from her face. She turned back to Quentin. The psychopath didn't miss a beat.

"You will never understand my purpose. Your mother was chosen because she was special and now she is a part of something greater.

Her features turned into disgust. "I don't need to listen to this demented rambling. Where is she?"

"She is here, she is waiting for you." And she watched his face become fervent and full of pride. "I have done the impossible. I have touched the face of the Maker and lived." She shook her head in abhorrence. But he just didn't shut up. "Do you know what the strongest force of the universe is?" He answered without waiting for an answer. "Love" That one word felt like slime slithering over her body and she visibly trembled in revulsion.

He walked in front of her mother. "I pieced her together from memory. I found her eyes, her skin, her delicate fingers." Would he never shut up she thought. His face twisted into something that resembled love. "And at last her face." He grabbed her mother's chin, tilting it up to him. "Oh…her beautiful face." This was going to make her vomit soon. Her mother got up walking as if she was unsure of her legs. "I've searched far and wide for you beloved, and no force on this earth will part us."

It was like watching something but not really seeing it. Her mother turned towards her, dressed in this demented man's clothes that must have once been his wife's wedding dress. There was something wrong with her as she stumbled forward and her mind was refusing to make sense of what she was seeing. She knew it was only a defense mechanism that happened when you saw something particularly awful, but the more you stared at it the mind eventually gave up and suddenly she would be able to understand. It pieced together in slow motion as she noticed the pale, deathly looking skin, the stitches around the neck and shoulders and wrists, the stumbling walk of the dead. Oh gods, her mother was dead but her mind still lived. Her stomach clenched tight as her throat started to push upwards all the contents it contained. She wasn't given the time to expel it though as dead skeletons broke the surface of the earth and Quentin erected a force field around himself.

She turned from her dead mother, concentrating only on the task before her. She stepped out of the way of the arc of a blade, blasting it across the room with a bolt of lightning. Four more skeletons staggered forward swinging their swords. She called the ice to her hands and it blasted forward freezing them in place. There upper bodies twisted, trying to pull their feet out of the trap. With a wordless cry Fenris ran forward his two handed sword swinging wide as it cut all four bodies in half and they fell to the ground. A feral grin was on his face as he raced forward to dispatch three more, slicing them up with relative ease. She felt a smile break across her face as she was finally given an outlet for her anger. Three demons and ten shades appeared out of thin air. Her eyes wild she pulled the fire in her into a great storm. It rained savage flames on them that consumed the dried withered flesh within seconds. Sebastian took out three more with a few well-placed arrows. Varric turned to her releasing an arrow that whizzed by her head. She turned, a desire demon fell to its knees with an arrow lodged in its throat. She smiled her thanks and faced the crazy mage as his shield finally fell. All of her companions descended on him plunging swords and knives and arrows into his flesh. She felt a small satisfaction when Fenris shoved his fist in his chest and jerked the still beating heart out, ending his miserable life. One more lone skeleton blundered towards her. She removed the knife in her boot and with the thunk of it hitting flesh it was over.

Her mother's body lumbered towards her. She ran to her as she fell to the ground, cradling her head in her arms. The tears were coming in and endless stream down her face, the sobs threatening to tear a hole in her chest.

"Im sorry mother, I'm so sorry, for the years that I….that I couldn't…That I couldn't forgive…." She stopped talking unable to speak anymore for fear of the grief taking over.

"My little girl has grown up so strong. I never told you how proud I am of you."

She half laughed and half choked on a sob. "We can fix this….Somehow we can fix this."

Her mother raised a hand to her face, "There is no fixing this, not this time. It will be ok. I'll be with your father now, and Carver and Bethany. I'm going home." She said smiling a sad smile.

She opened her mouth many times before she could utter the words again. "I'm sorry mother…for not being able…." The pain in her chest became worse, "being able to put…." She started to rock back and forth slightly, "to put the words back together" a sob escaped her lips, "I just couldn't put them back together." She cried quietly.

Her mother smiled, "I know sweetheart, its ok. I'm sorry for so much." Her voice was losing strength and she knew it wouldn't be long.

Her eyes glazed over and her head fell to the side. She smiled and then frowned. "Your father…..he isn't here. Where is he?" There was genuine alarm in her voice. "He told me he would be here. Where is he Bethany? Carver, where is he?" she asked to her dead siblings.

She turned around to look behind her, seeing her companions off to one side with such pity in their eyes but the place her mother was looking at was empty.

Her mother looked back at her "You must find him Elise. He's not here. Please find him" her voice choked on the panic.

"I will mother I will find him." So the demon hadn't been lying and the anger rose like a great tsunami washing over her, turning her vision red, as her grip around her mother tightened.

"I will find him." She said with such determination and absolute belief that her mother's features smoothed over in relief.

"Thank you." She choked out. Her face lolled to the side again as she looked back to that same empty spot. She grabbed her mother's hand in hers and felt her grip it like a vice.

She whispered to her, "Its ok…you can go now."

A soft smile broke over her mother's face and her eyes closed. She felt the hand in hers loosen and eventually fall limp and she knew she was gone. She slowly lowered it to the ground, arranging her body to lie like she was sleeping. The tears fell like a waterfall, blurring her vision as the pain in her chest tightened like a vice. She leaned back on her toes and slowly stood up. She heard the quiet footsteps of her companions come up behind her. She closed her eyes and her hands clenched until the half-moons of her nails bit into her skin drawing blood. She embraced the small pain as an anchoring point to push everything else out. Misery rose like a great wave as she realized she was now alone. She had no family anymore and it was unlikely she would ever make one. She stood like a statue, unmoving, unfeeling. She fought the sorrow that threatened to overwhelm her right then and there. She would not lose it….not again….never again. She felt her companions behind her like faceless guardians, watching without comment. The pressure in her chest tightened until a small sound of pain left her lips. NO! she thought. I Will Not Be That Helpless Again! Her heartache turned to rage. Rage at the gods, rage at the demon, rage at everything and anyone. She turned to face her companions and they all took an involuntary step back at the wrath in her eyes.

"Hawke" Fenris said tentatively.

She pushed passed them wordless as a great frenzy boiled through her blood, tightening her muscles, making her body tremble. She wanted blood, she wanted pain, she wanted death…..and there was no one left to kill. She quickly turned around pulling the fire within her soul to her hands. They ignited with blue flames so bright that the entire cavern illuminated with its new sun. She was unable to look down at the searing bright light. Her companions shielded their eyes as she shot the light passed them onto her mother. A great inferno rose quickly, brightly, and just as fast it subsided revealing nothing but the ash.

"Ancestors" she heard Varric mumble as he stared at the place where her mother's body just was.

As they all looked on in shock she turned around and made her way back to the surface. With every step she took the fury rose, filling every cell in her body with an unrelenting ire, burning along her skin like a great furnace. She sprinted up the stairs to the first glimpses of moonlight. The moisture in the air hung like a heavy damp blanket. She strode quietly, to where she did not know but she needed to kill something. Perhaps there would be some thugs that were dumb enough to attack her. She walked purposefully to the worst parts of Lowtown. A hand grabbed her arm from behind, spinning her around. She turned with a great blazing fire in her hands. Sebastian's face was lit up as he looked at her unafraid at the flames that were so close to him.

She closed her eyes and felt her body shudder and she quenched the ball with a thought and it disappeared. It did nothing to release the hell that burned beneath. She opened them staring directly in Sebastian's eyes with hatred and malice.

"Uh Choir boy, it might not be a good idea to talk to her right now." Varric said with alarm. Sebastian ignored the comment.

"Hawke, I know your upset," and a bitter laugh escaped her lips, "But we cannot know the Maker's reasons for why he takes people."

She whispered through clenched teeth as she tried desperately to contain the anger. "No," she said, that one word holding such contempt, such disgust at the world that the prince took a step back.

"Do you really think your Maker gives a flying fuck about my mother or about anything that has been done to me in the last four years?" The rage hovered just beneath the surface looming like a great beast waiting to be released.

"Do you think any God cares that I have nothing now, that my entire family is gone." She screamed at him. "They don't care!" she spitted at him. "We are nothing but play toys for their amusement!" she shrieked.

She raised her head to the sky. "You must think this is just hilarious!" She shouted at no one in particular. "Let's see how much we can kick her until she breaks!" A great mist was rising. "Let's see how much we can torment her before she cracks!" The air was crackling around her and she heard one of her companions curse. "Let's see if she can survive the death of everyone she holds dear!" The night lit up around her and she heard another oath of surprise that she ignored. "Let's torture her to within an inch of her sanity and see what happens!" she screamed at the stars.

"That's it! I am done!"

With the admission the fury left her in a rush and the night went instantly dark around her. She fell to the ground on her knees as the fog swirled around her. She let out a great shuddering breath and whispered. "I can't take anymore."

The night was silent around her as she sat on the ground. She let the numbness creep in as it gave her some solace from the pain. Alone…..she was all alone now. There was a great hollowness in her chest and it was hard to breath. She was tired…..so tired…the faces of her family haunted her vision, playing back every horrible moment in her head. Her father begging her to take care of the family as his wasted body took one last shuddering breath, her sister being slammed into the ground by the ogre, the blood splattering everywhere as she was tossed aside like a rag doll, driving the knife into Carvers chest and watching the life leave his eyes, her mother's lifeless face sewn on a different body as she whispered to her that is was going to be ok. Lies…..it was all lies…. She knew there was no hell….because she was living it.

A voice broke the night. "Um Hawke." Varric said tentatively. "I know you're not ok but we should probably get inside or risk running into the Templars."

She looked up in confusion, "What….why?" She said gazing into Varric's concerned look, taking in Fernis's features that were creased in worry, the lines prominent around his eyes, Sebastian's expression of both awe and fear as he stared back at her. Varric gestured around him as if that was enough explanation.

There was a great mist that encompassed all of her companions and every building around them for as far as she could see, like the moisture in the air instantly vaporized. She noticed the air was now dry in her mouth and the ground around them was charred black, her eyes drifted up, as were the surrounding buildings.

"Gods" she whispered, "What have I become?"

There were shouts in the distance and the sounds of armor clanking.

Varric put a hand out pulling her up. "We can figure that out later but now we need to get somewhere safe."

She accepted the hand and quickly got to her feet. The shouts got closer and they ran into a nearby ally. The mist gave them enough cover to evade the Templars as they took a short cut to the Hanged Man.


	13. House of Leaves

**Two character perspectives in this chapter, wanted to finish my thought before starting a new one. Enjoy! Updated: 6/24/2013**

He sat in an old tattered chair in front of the fire in his mansion, leaning over cradling his head in his hands as they combed again and again through his damp hair. He was wearing nothing but the thin leather leggings that he wore under his armor plating as it sat abandoned off to one side along with his broad sword. He had yet to put the metal plates back on, having no desire to do so. So he sat completely unaware of the repetitive motion of his hands so lost in the dark trajectory of his mind.

He thought through that night yet again as he had just about every night since then. Never before had she displayed such power or seen it done in quite that way. As she screamed her anger at the heavens her skin had started to glow, slowly becoming brighter and brighter. They had backed up in alarm blocking the light from their eyes and cursing as they bumped into each other in their haste while she continued her rant. Her skin started to steam putting a thin mist into the air that swirled around her but then it multiplied exponentially until the entire courtyard was filled with it and the surrounding streets. They backed away from the heat that emanated from her and within a matter of seconds there was a burst of flames that lit up the sky and instantly died with the cadence of her voice. Hawke wasn't paying attention to her surroundings, her eyes were dark too lost in her own grief and guilt to see what she had caused. It had taken Varric calling her name several times before she finally acknowledged him and when she had it took her even longer to process what he was saying. She took in the damage she had caused, the blackened buildings, the melted cobblestones around her, or at least they were cobblestones now they were large black melted slabs, and in the center she stood untouched. A look of utter horror and disgust flashed through her face before she was able to effectively hide it. She hated what she was, hated the fear she would see in the eyes of others, hated what it had done to her family, but as to the real reason why she had yet to give voice to the thought, although he already knew the reason seeing it on the fateful night. He had seen into her soul so deeply that it both frightened him and made him want her that much more. Her fear of becoming a monster or in some way losing the morality she so desperately clung to was now becoming a reality. Her inability to embrace all that she was, created both a weakness in her mentality and an unpredictable enhancement in her powers that occurred every time her emotions were let loose. The control she so desperately clung to was very slowly slipping away and the more she tried to rein it in the more it lashed out.

A soft clearing of a throat broke through the silence and jerked him back to the here and now. He sat up in the chair taking in his visitor and straightening his back. It protested the movement from sitting for so long in one attitude. He pushed his chest outward reaching his hands up in the air, feeling the stretch of the lirium markings as Isabella sauntered over. Her eyebrows rose in appreciation at his exposed upper body, her eyes wandering over him, watching the muscular display with enrapture.

"You know Fenris you keep stretching like that and I might just pounce on you to see how much that beautiful body of yours can hold."

Fenris frowned at her, "I wasn't doing it for your benefit."

The pirate sighed and rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes we all know you have eyes only for Hawke. Way to make a girl feel attractive, geez."

He snorted, "I don't think I need to tell you just how beautiful you are Isabella, you flaunt it enough to know it yourself."

"So you think I'm beautiful, do you" she said as she walked languidly over to his chair.

He opened his mouth to say something but the pirate surprised him by hopping into his lap and grinding her upper body into his. Her large breasts brushed up against his face and he could feel the stiff peaks of her nipples through the thin white cloth. His hands clenched either side of the chair unsure whether he would throw her off or take her right then and there if only to satiate his desire for a release. She grinned down at him feeling his need growing hard against her groin. Her hands snaked down his chest following the path of the lirium drawing delicious lines with her nails, he shuddered closing his eyes. This was wrong, this was so wrong. Even if he did give into the temptation he would still feel as empty after as he did now. And the root of that cause lay only a few quick steps away lost in her misery. That single thought seemed to jolt him enough to push the pirate away. He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

"Isabella get off me."

She pouted down at him. "Why, it was just starting to get interesting."

He unclenched his hands from the chair and grabbed her around the waist, pushing her none too gently off his body. She made a frustrated noise in the back of her throat and rose to stand before him.

She smiled to ease the tension. "Well you can't blame a girl for trying. I guess I'll have to go back to imagining what color your undergarments are."

He slowly unknotted the strain that had started in his shoulders. "What did you come here for in the first place, other than to molest me that is?"

She cocked a hip. "You seemed to welcome it well enough. I was hardly forcing myself on you, just….playing." A small smile started on her lips, "You need something to relax you, your wound tighter than a priest in a whore house."

He smirked. "That is close enough to the truth I suppose."

The pirate shook her head. "Anyway before I got distracted I was just coming to see how Hawke was doing since she doesn't let any of us in to see her since the one day."

He sighed in frustration. "She won't see me either not since I talked to her that night."

She raised an eyebrow at him and smiled. "Like that has ever stopped you before. We all know you spy on her."

He frowned, "I do not spy on her."

Isabella threw her head back and laughed, "Sure you don't Brody." He scowled at her, "There's no need to get defensive I think it's rather cute. You're her white knight in shining armor…except your armor doesn't exactly shine and well" she gestured at him as if that was answer enough, "maybe your her Dark Knight then. Yes that's more fitting."

He shook his head and his expression darkened, "She gets worse by the day. I don't know what she's going through or how to stop it. My words all ring hollow in my ears."

The pirate threw her hands up in the air, "Are all men so dense? She just wants to know she's not alone and while we are all there for her she wants to hear it from someone she cares deeply for."

He shifted uneasily in the seat. "You don't know what you ask."

Her eyes narrowed, "I know exactly what I ask elf. You think you are the only one who fears being chained to someone. You think you are the only one who fights the bonds to no avail. You think you are the only one who has felt the pain of a love lost!" She was almost shouting at him now as she pointed a finger in his face. "I know exactly what I ask and by the Maker you will do it because I refuse to watch Hawke slip away while you pace yourself senseless back and forth only to find it is too late when you finally get the balls to tell her." Her chest heaved up and down as she watched his face for some reaction

He remained unmoving in his chair, his body pulled tight with anxiety and apprehension. She made a disgusted sound at his lack of response.

"For Andraste's sake grow a pair will you. We need her and she needs you. So go over there and tell her how you feel. There's no time left. I need her help with getting my relic back, not to mention the Quanari threat that looms like and ever growing storm on the horizon."

So it was all about her. If she couldn't get in to see Hawke she would get the next best thing. Him. She was so selfish and had no qualms about showing it. How very typical.

He growled at her, "I'll go over when I damn well please, not because you need her help again."

She stalked to the door and turned around to sneer at him. "Well hopefully the world doesn't fall down around our ears while we wait for your tender sensibilities to express themselves." With that she slammed the door and he listened to her retreating footsteps on the stairs.

Tender sensibilities! Donnic had said the same thing to him and he had punched him for it. Granted the two of them had been completely obliterated at the time but that one phrase stuck with him. Damn Pirate!

It had been two weeks since Hawke's mother died. He had talked to her briefly that night but he wasn't good with consoling, never knowing what to say or do. As a slave the constant threat of torture and death quickly taught him to conceal his emotions. It wasn't until he had broken free of Denarius that he truly let go of all that careful control, basking in the rage and hatred he felt towards all mages. While initially it felt amazing to let the beast inside him free, he later discovered what releasing all the wrath had done. It wasn't until he met Hawke that he felt anything other than anger, distrust and hatred. Friends were a luxury he never had, not until he met her. Now….he did not know how he got here or how to even to express what he felt. It made his heart pound, his palms sweat, his speech stammer every time he tried to convey it. He wanted to comfort her, wanted to hold her in his arms, wanted to tell her he…..

He let out a deep breath. But he couldn't. He watched her, because he always watched her, through the windows, or hidden in dark corners while she paced the house back and forth for hours on end. She would stop only to scratch down something with her quill on the little scraps of paper that were strewn everywhere. Little phrases laying on every flat surface in her house. The worst though was when she sat and stared into the fire, never moving, never shifting, and barely blinking. Her eyes were vacant and bloodshot from the lack of sleep and the dry air around her. She would sit there sometimes for an entire day, not eating or drinking just staring….

He didn't understand how it had gone downhill so fast. When they had gotten back to the Hanged Man that night, she was quiet but not unresponsive. Varric had asked her a series of questions, writing down the answers in his huge journal. It wasn't until he'd asked a particularly sensitive question about her father that she flinched, said she was tired, excused herself and left. He went to see her that night not knowing what to say, sat by her side as her haunted expression gazed at the fire. She asked him if she was to blame for what happened. Somehow he knew she meant everyone in her family, not just her mother but Carver and her sister Bethany whom he hadn't met. It felt wrong to lie and give her a false sense of absolution. Instead he told her he wasn't the one that could give her the forgiveness she sought. In hindsight perhaps he should have said something different, been more comforting, more sympathetic. He didn't think it would have made a difference though. Gamlen, the miserable old goat, had come in asking after his sister only to discover her demise and then turn around to blame it entirely on Hawke. She had sat there meekly while he rant and raved, and spoke not a word in her defense, burying it all inside until the shadows shown in her eyes. Her uncle eventually calmed down after the shock and apologized but the damage was already done.

The second day people had come and gone giving their condolences of her loss. She received it all with perfect etiquette, offering them refreshment, talking of nonsensical affairs and then thanking them for coming. It was when she closed the door after they left, slumping against it only to slide to the floor weeping that he began to truly worry.

The third day a few of her companions came to check on her. Varric, Merrill, Sebastian, even Isabella stopped, all at different times. He watched the day before repeat itself and each of them would leave knowing they had somehow made the situation worse. Dark circles appeared around her eyes and the acts became mechanical. She was slowly disconnecting like before, when Carver died, and when Damin came back. She was trying to escape reality to no avail as the reminders came in day after day.

While she had passed most of the days since her mother's death in silence, the nights however were a different story. He agonized as she paced in her bedroom, hidden on the balcony like some kind of peeping tom. Her sleep wasn't any better. The nights were filled with her screams. The nightmares had returned and were worse than he ever remembered. She would thrash in her bed, fighting some unseen adversary. At first Bodhan would come in and wake her but that soon stopped when the night terrors never ceased. So night after night he would sit by her side, listening to her cry in her sleep, call out for her mother or father or her siblings or worse when she called out for him. Then the next morning she would wake and the scene would repeat itself only to see her more haggard and unkempt.

The panic inside him was growing as each passing day found her in worse condition than the day before. She was becoming a shell of her former self, retreating so far inside her head that no one could reach her. She would respond and become aware of her surroundings when spoken to but otherwise walked around the house like a ghost.

He left her for a few days hoping that somehow she would begin to heal in his absence. He came back to look in on her a few days later to find that the first enchanter had come to visit. This shocked him the most for he had not known the two were acquainted. They sat calmly across from each other in her library her eyes staring at the ground as the first hints of a frown formed on the mage's face. He talked and she responded. Fenris could not catch the content of the conversation from where he was but he could see Orsino did not like her actions, or should he say lack thereof. He shifted himself closer watching as the enchanter's frown deepened. There was a slight shift in Orsino's shoulders and sudden rigidness of his back that let him know he had sensed his movement. He cursed inwardly but the mage made no move to expose him. Instead he continued talking to Hawke as if nothing were amiss to which she replied unconsciously. It wasn't until the first enchanter asked a hard question that the first hints of emotion had shown.

_"Don't you know that you can't hide inside yourself like this? You need to let yourself feel something."_

_She scowled, her jaw clenching tight, for the first time in days showing something other than indifference. "Have you thought maybe I don't want to feel anything right now?" she said with the first stirrings of anger._

_Orsino calmly replied. "Child you must deal with the pain in order to move on or spend the rest of your life running away from it."_

_"Running away is better than this hell I'm living." She snapped. "And don't call me child."_

_"But you have been running away your whole life refusing to live it, your self-hatred of what you are, of the magic that lays inside you, your guilt over the death of each member of your family, the love you harbor for the elf," and the first enchanter's eyes flicked in his direction, "that you push away and deny so vehemently. This hell you live is of your own making."_

_Love, _he thought. _No, it cannot be. And he pushed the thought away again.__ He had never thought anyone could ever love him, lust after him…yes, but love? No, not possible. _

_That night he had spent with her was the most amazing in his existence and the most painful. Sometimes he thought it would have been better if he somehow found the strength to deflect her. Or perhaps if he had stayed…. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists as if that could somehow stop the memory of that night rising again to the forefront of his mind. It was a futile effort. Now he just wanted to leave, he couldn't stand the loss any longer. The thought made him laugh in bitter silence to himself. Running away seemed to be the only thing he was good at. He couldn't change what happened no matter how much he wished he had the strength to change it. The flashes of his past had been an excuse, an easy one to make for leaving, but the real reason he had been unwilling to admit to her and himself until recently, was because he needed her, longed for her touch every moment of every day. It was a completeness and vulnerability that struck such fear in him that he had run. Hoping she would hate him. Praying she would move on. Expecting she would tell him to leave. But she didn't…and so he stayed._

_He opened his eyes. She was crying quietly, almost indiscernible except for the faint bob of her shoulders. "You know nothing of what I've been through and you dare judge me." Her voice betrayed her, cracking as she confronted the pain._

_Orsino sighed and he could see the lines of sympathy etched around the enchanter's eyes. __When had they become so close__, he thought. "I know more than you would like as you well know and more than you yet realize. I do not judge Hawke, I only wish to help you move on and embrace what you have been given."_

_She stared at the floor like she was memorizing the pattern of the tiles, she probably already had. Her voice came out barely a whisper. "I don't know if I can. It's so much easier and less painful to just let it all fade away."_

_Orsino leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, "And it is a lie. You must learn to pick yourself back up and leave the past behind you. Learn from it and let it go."_

_She was mumbling something to herself as if lost in a memory that came fresh to her mind. Then the ghost of a smile crossed her lips and he felt his heart flutter, "My father always used to ask me when I was a child, 'Why do we fall, Elise?' and then make me answer." _

_The reply came in unison as the first enchanter chimed in, "So we can learn to pick ourselves back up."_

_The smile quickly disappeared, "But he's gone somewhere, not in this realm or in the hereafter."_

_Orsino frowned, "What do you mean?"_

_Hawke then relayed what her mother had said before dying and what someone named Ra said. He had no idea who that was but the mage seemed to acknowledge it without question. With each passing moment the first enchanter's frown deepened, his brow furrowing deep in thought._

_"This is something I will look into. But before I leave there is one more thing I want to talk to you about." Her expression became wary. "I have heard tales of blackened buildings and melted stone, a great fog that comes out of nowhere and bright lights that illuminate the night sky, would these have anything to do with you."_

_She continued to look at him saying nothing. _

_"As I thought," he said laughing lightly. "You have Meredith in a fit I'll have you know." The laughter quickly died and he took her hands in his. "You are powerful, so powerful that if you embraced it and learned to harness it all you could surpass even my own abilities. It is unheard of in one so young as you." His expression darkened and looked away as he processed something in his mind, then whispered something he didn't catch. He shook his head suddenly clearing his head and smiled at her. "No matter. But I think it a good idea if you considered letting me mentor you," he hesitated a moment, "in the Circle."_

_This of course provoked her anger and she jerked her hands out of his. "Are you insane! If I join the circle they will chain me up and never let me out, especially if I have the power you say I do."_

_Orsino sighed sitting back in the chair, "I thought you would say as much. Just please consider it."_

_He stood, turning to leave, giving her one last long look before placing a hand on her shoulder, patting it lightly as he glanced again at the elf. She didn't look up at him but stared at some far off point deep in thought._

_"Perhaps once you talk to the one that means most to you it will help? He asked._

_She looked up at him, "You mean Fenris?" and he nodded his head. She didn't respond and the first enchanter left quietly leaving Hawke alone to think about what he said._

He had left that night and had not been back to see her since. He knew that the next time he went back the words would have to leave his lips. He was such a coward. He paced in his room, his footsteps purposefully echoing loudly around him. His hand wiped his face as he groaned in disgust at himself. He glanced down at the filth on his hand and made a hasty decision to go to the bath house.

It was when he came back lost in thought as he sat in front of the fire that Isabella came to visit, trying to force him into action and it eventually worked.

...

The tune echoed loudly in her head as it had been for a few days now since Orsino had come to visit. _Ba Da pa pa, Ba Da pa pa_. There were little papers with notes strewn about her study, words that demanded to be released and put into song since her mother's passing. This had happened once before, long ago when he father died and Damin had tried to claim her. She had written a song that she sang only once a year and never within anyone's hearing but her own. This one was different though. She felt so lost, for the first time in her life not understanding her place in it. Voices seemed to echo through the halls, in her room, in her library, in her mind. Maybe she was going crazy but dark figures would appear just on the edge of her vision, she would turn her head and find nothing. They would not leave her alone. Whispers in the dark as someone messed with her mind. She rolled her head, stretching her neck trying to make them go away. Another phrase: _By the hallways in this tiny room. The echos there of me and you. _Voices seemed to rise at the same time only to disappear. She jotted the phrase down on yet another scrap. Oh Maker, she was going crazy.

She walked languorously down the hall. Her fingers brushing over the objects as she passed, not watching but sensing they were there. The Amell crest on the wall, her father's staff that sat alone propped in a corner, her sister's amulet, the one their father had given her, her mother's wedding rings, her brother's sword scabbard….so many lives lost, woven in a web of their own misfortunes. Her life…so many promises made and so many that were broken, lost and forgotten. A never ending battle to live and at what purpose or cost if she was surrounded by ghosts that wouldn't leave.

She shuffled through her library her hands running over the many books it contained. They stopped when they reached the one that was propped open, one of her father's favorites. Her fingers caressed the page feeling the imprinted letters as they spoke to her. She knew what it said for it was etched in her memory.

"_Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence: no weapon, no blood, and no body. The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share."_

It was what her life had become, an endless murder of seconds, minutes, hours, and days. Orsino was right….the time had come to move on, let go of the ghosts of the past. Another perfect phrasing of words popped in her head.

"_Come here… no I won't say please, one more look at the ghost before I'm gonna make it leave. Come here….I got the pieces here, time to gather up the splinters build a casket for my tears."_

That's it, she thought. I have the song. She ran to the desk gathered the small scraps of paper that were littered about. She ran to the foyer seeing the other small scraps scribbled with a small script. She started copying all the little notes together. She knew the chorus, it was the first thing she had written since coming home so many days ago.

"_And I'm haunted, by the lives that I have loved, and actions I have hated. I'm haunted, by the lives that wove the web, inside my haunted head."_

Her eyes felt like sandpaper as she rubbed them incessantly. She went over grabbed her mandola and the paper with the finished song and turned on her heal. Her feet quickly made their way to her study and she sat quietly down on the chair that faced away from her door. She crossed her legs bringing her instrument into her lap as she strummed the strings quickly tuning them. It had been so long since she played and something in her seemed to lift with the familiarity and the action. She gave song to the music that echoed in her head, a quick series of notes that played themselves over and over again. She closed her eyes her fingers floating over the strings until the words finally emerged from her mouth. Her voice was scratchy and hoarse from the endless screaming she had done at night and the little talking she did during the day. She kept playing, putting the thoughts of the last two weeks into words. It all came together in a perfect melody and somehow she felt a part of herself healing, becoming stronger again. A smile broke over her face as suddenly the chaos that had corrupted so much of her life seemed to melt away.

There was a soft hitch in a throat behind her. Her breath caught in a gasp and she jumped up, turning around.

"Maker, you scared me half to death."

She backed up a step, placing the mandola down and leaning her hands on the chair in front of her. The elf stood a few feet away, his white hair clean and gleaming in the flickering light of the candles nearby. His deep green eyes studied her with such intensity that she felt the blood rush to her cheeks and had to glance at the ground before looking up again. He broke the eye contact and his expression became confused and tormented. Why was it he always showed up when she was so vulnerable? She could feel herself standing on the brink of a great precipice, balanced on a knife's edge. Go one way and fall, become the shell completely, live in nothingness, in a life of self-inflicted tranquility. Or go the other way and master the control that she so desperately wanted and feared. One way would be easy, give up and do nothing, the other….who knows.

He was staring at her a second time and she felt herself flush again at the attention, unsure how to act. God he made her feel like a simpering fool sometimes. She mastered her face and opened her mouth to ask him why he was here but he spoke first.

"How are you?" the words seemed to spill unwillingly out of his mouth.

His eyes were pinched in the corners showing the defined lines in his brow. He was worried about her, that much she could see. She gave him a confused look. "Umm…just peachy I suppose," she said with a voice laced in sarcasm.

Something in his face softened, releasing the pent up tension, his shoulder slumped slightly and his breath came out in a whoosh of air. One side of his mouth pulled up in a smile and she felt her heart warm.

She furrowed her brow in question. "Why are you here?"

His hand went up behind his head to scratch his scalp as he looked at the ground. The muscles in his arms extended displaying his hidden strength in as they rippled underneath the surface of his skin. She felt her breath catch in her throat as things down below tightened. The things he could still do to her just by standing there. She shook her head and turned her gaze away.

He cleared his throat in an uncharacteristic display of apprehension. Her eyes flicked back to him as he gathered his courage and looked up at her again.

"I needed to tell you something…words I was unable to say last time." He added the last hesitantly.

She instantly felt her heart begin to race, beating frantically against her chest like a caged bird. There were butterflies in her stomach and she couldn't tell by the expression on his face if this would be a good or bad something.

"What did you want to say?" she urged, her voice cracked slightly with the effort.

"I…I wanted to tell you…..there are so many things I should have said so long ago." He grabbed her hands with a warrior quickness. There was an instant flaring of their auras combining causing her to gasp. Everything clicked into place, a chaotic sensation of emotions erupted within her, raw and uncontrolled that made her want to cry. She wrenched her hands out of his grasp and the sudden silence was deafening. Tears rolled down her cheeks unchecked and she backed away.

"I'm sorry." She heard his voice rasp. "I didn't think it would be so…" and his expression became clouded as he searched for the right word.

"Painful." She finished for him.

He sighed, "Overwhelmingly so."

She wanted to reach her hand out again to touch him but held back. She didn't think her sanity could handle it again so soon. She needed more time to think…to figure things out. The silence between them stretched as she tried to process so much in those few seconds. In a moment of unexpected clarity there was an option that could help her in both respects. Yes….she could do that.

She broke the silence. "Fenris, would you do me a favor? Can you have everyone meet me at the Hanged Man in an hour?"

A look of confusion crossed his face. "I imagine they will all be there anyhow as it is card night."

Gods…had it been that long already. "That's right." She said looking away. Oh maker was this really the right decision? Should she do this? "Ok, I need to get washed up and I'll be down.

Fenris's eyes narrowed at her, clearly hearing his dismissal. "Ok Hawke." He turned on his heal and made his way to the door not looking back. There was a tug on her heart and she called out his name.

"Fenris!"

He stopped in his tracks and glanced back.

"Thank you." She felt her breath hitch with the emotion that still ran rampant through her. It was insufficient in so many ways but all she could manage and she hoped it was enough.

He nodded and exited her home.

An hour later found her scrubbed clean with a glass of wine sitting in front of her. She rolled the glass stem between her fingers as all her comrades stared at her expectantly.

"I've come to a decision. I need help." She stopped unsure if she could continue.

Isabella broke the silence. "Well I could've told you that." Her friends shot the thief a look. She raised her hands in the air in mock surrender. "Just sayin."

"Well come on Hawke, out with it." Varric urged.

She let out a great breath, it was now or never. "I'm going to join the Circle."

The silence that followed was both eerie and frightening.


	14. Madness

For those of you that review I thank you. Enjoy! Updated: 6/25/2014

She stood, leaning over the table and looked at all of their shocked faces. Sebastian was surprised but happy, Merrill was distraught, Isabella had a look of complete disbelief, Varric was studying her intently, Anders was furious and Fenris….

Fernis looked disappointed, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned back in the chair.

Anders was the first to react as she suspected he would be. He abruptly stood up from his chair, the force pushing it backwards to bang on the floor. His face twisted with rage as he started to yell at her.

"Are you insane! What are you thinking? This is the elf's doing isn't it. He has finally convinced you somehow hasn't he." He turned towards Fenris with a murderous look.

She opened her mouth to speak, to try to calm him down but the mage didn't let her.

"Do you know what they will do to you!" He continued looking back at her, "Do you know what they do to mages that have too much power? They force them to become tranquil out of pure fear of a demon being able to gain control. You'll have no friends, no connections to the outside world. You'll be regarded with suspicion, jealousy and hatred. You have no idea what it's like and you want to voluntarily go to the Circle."

"I do not have too much power." She said quietly as if voicing it could make it true.

He scoffed at her. "Wow, you are in denial." The whole table was silent watching the exchange with rapt interest. "I knew from the moment I felt you walk into my clinic that you were more powerful than anyone I've ever met, certainly more powerful than I, even with my….addition."

"You cannot know that" although the sentence sounded doubtful even to her.

He raised his arms up in the air and let them drop back to his sides in exasperation. "REALLY! I CAN'T KNOW!" he was now screaming so loud it was gathering attention from other patrons in the bar. "DO YOU KNOW THE EMOTIONS I FIGHT EVERYDAY JUST TO KEEP YOU ALIVE! HE WOULD HAVE ME KILL YOU!" His eyes ignited, the veins in his skin bursting with a pale blue glow. His fists clenched as he slouched over the table and closed his eyes. Fenris stood immediately from his chair moving silently towards her. A sliver of fear sliced through her and she quickly stomped the feeling out. Anders would not hurt her. But still the elf came to stand directly behind her like a dark shadow, so close she could feel the heat that emanated from his body. Anders visibly shook, forcing himself to relax so Justice didn't take over.

After a moment of awkward silence Isabella whispered to Varric, "I think you may have a new story to put to ink." Varric only smiled and nodded.

Anders looked up and his eyes were back to their beautiful hazel brown. "Sit down dog." he snarled at Fenris, "There is no need to guard her."

"You admit to wanting to kill her and you expect me to sit idly by and watch you?" She had no need to turn around to see the fury on Fenris's face, she could hear it in his voice.

"I would not hurt her."

"You just admitted.."

"I KNOW WHAT I SAID!" Anders yelled, cutting him off.

The tension was building again like the static charge in the air before a thunder storm. She had to calm them down before they both went at it.

"When you say he, you mean Justice, right? Why does he want to kill me?" she said as evenly as possible.

Anders let the anger go again before replying. "He fears you. He fears what you will become should you join with…."

"A demon." She finished.

"Yes. Maybe. It's not just a demon." His expression became clouded. "Something….stronger?" he frowned, "His thoughts are mine but they don't make sense to me."

She nodded in acknowledgement.

"Do you have an idea what that something is?" he asked curiously.

"No" she said a little too fast.

His eyes narrowed at her hearing the lie but said nothing. He stood in one smooth motion accentuating his broad shoulders by rolling them to release the rest of his tension. His arms were large, muscular and strong, so much different then Fenris's lean build. He could easily lift her without a second thought and she alarmingly found herself wondering what it would be like to have them encircled around her. _What is wrong with me_, she thought, _I must have a death wish_.

He caught her stare giving her a questioning look. Unfortunately so did the rest of the group, aside from Fenris, that was sitting there watching the exchange.

She heard Isabella's envious sigh, "This should prove to be entertaining." She whispered again to Varric. He just shook his head in disagreement.

Merrill as curious as ever heard their exchange and in a loud voice asked, "What will be entertaining? Did I just miss something again?"

Isabella gave her a beaming smile, "Nothing Kitten, just Hawke ogling Anders." She felt herself redden and she couldn't look at the mage anymore. What had she just done? Maker, she had punched the man for coming on to her, he just admitted to wanting to kill her and now she was staring at him? It was one of those rare moments where she wanted to hit herself in the head for being so dim-witted. Now she had definitely ostracized Fenris unintentionally who she had felt stiffen behind her at the pirates comment. Isabella's hungry eyes shifted to the elf and licked her lips. She tensed. She knew Isabella had always wanted Fernis and suddenly she desired nothing more than to punch the pirate. The feeling immediately turned inward because she just gave her the opening. She sat down in her chair in a heap, leaning over the table and covering her eyes with her hands.

Her thoughts were going a hundred miles a minute over all the possibilities this decision could have. She had been so confident about it a moment ago, but watched as it melted into doubt before her because of an elf, a mage and a pirate. Could she be so selfish? She loved Fenris adamantly as she had come to realize over the past few weeks but the elf seemed to keep her at a distance now and she him. She could see something more hidden behind those dark green eyes of his, something needful and forbidden. She wondered how long her heart could wait for him to come around, if he ever did at all. She suddenly had a desire to be anywhere but there, anywhere but in this tavern with them all watching her. She needed to think, needed to let herself feel if only to figure out what she truly wanted and what she could have.

She stood quickly and all their eyes jerked back to her.

"I…have to go." She said quietly, pushing her chair back to get out. She glanced down at Fenris who was now sitting back down in his chair. His expression was mournful and full of regret, like he was trying to let go unsuccessfully. It sent a knife like pain through her heart.

Anders voice called out to her, "Wait you're not going to the circle now are you?"

She didn't look at him, just shook her head no. "Not right this second, I'm not."

"Ever?" he prompted.

She sighed, "I don't know." and left it at that. "I'll see you all later."

They said their goodbyes and she made a hasty retreat. She walked out into the salty sea air and wanted nothing more than to go down to the docks and clear her head. She walked quietly down the cobblestone street, the moonlight glinting off the shallow puddles that would take up residence in those spots all spring long. The streets were deserted as they usually were at night, well except for the rare prostitute plying her trade and the occasional drunks and pickpockets. Her group had cleared out anything worse in the area not too long ago and any others that were left over knew of her well enough to leave her alone. So she walked the night streets unmolested, left alone to sift through her thoughts.

She was unsure of so many things in her life that never before seemed to matter. She had a dream and a purpose at one point in her life but that dream had died, laid to waste like so many others. So she wandered aimlessly, going through the motions but not really living. She wanted to join the Circle because….because…. She huffed in frustration. She needed guidance of that much she was certain and she trusted Orsino, trusted him to do the right thing, looked up to him in a way….like a father…someone who wouldn't betray her. Although the more she thought about it the more she realized she barely knew the elf, he however knew her inside and out. Skeptisim bloomed as she wondered at the first enchanters real intentions. She initially had wanted to go to Anders and ask for his advice about the whole ordeal but after what had happened last time….. She sighed. She was partially to blame for Anders actions. He would never have forced himself on her without some kind of invitation, it just wasn't in his nature. She tried to remain unemotional that day but they ran so close to the surface of everything she did that what had happened had been evitable.

_They stood only inches apart from each other. Her hands folded in front of her under her chest as she leaned against one wall._

"_Are you sure about this?" Anders asked tentatively. "I mean there are very few ways to learn how to block connections like this."_

_She shrugged not really sure what to say, she just wanted to escape the pain. "If it means that I don't have to feel him every time he's near then it will be worth it."_

"_Why did you choose him to begin with? I could have told you he would have only ripped your heart out."_

_She remained silent not sure how she should respond. She just shrugged again but then she remembered the feel of Fenris's arms wrapped around her and she couldn't look in Anders eyes anymore. She looked away. "The heart wants what it wants." Trying to be nonchalant about it but it just came out bitter. _

_What else could she say? She followed her heart and she got burned badly. The only thing that was left to do was to try and cut the ties. She couldn't ask him to leave just because he had decided it was better to have a one night stand then to be with her. She did her best for months to avoid him to no avail. Her group needed him, after all he was one of only two warriors left in their ragtag band. She would just have to make it as painless as possible…and rely on Aveline a lot more._

_She felt his hand pull her chin up to look at him. "You deserve better."_

_She smiled at him although all she could manage was half a one. She may have deserved better but she still wanted him anyway._

"_I mean it. I would never throw you away like he did. I want you in my life. You are the only one who matters to me. The only thing I would ever need. I could be everything for you that he can't be." He pleaded._

_Yes, she thought, but you aren't him. She cupped his cheek trying to show what it meant to her to hear him say that but she dropped her hand a moment later when his eyes turned lustful. _

_"Anders….I love him."_

_His face twisted with hatred and his fist smashed into the wall next to her. She flinched, starting to back away from him. His expression softened and he took two quick steps forward grabbing her around the shoulders. _

"_Please don't be like that. I'm sorry I didn't mean to frighten you. I just…..I can't control my feelings for you anymore, I don't want to."_

"_Anders…"_

"_But don't you see? I am so much better for you than he is. You could be happy with me if you would let it?"_

"_Anders I…" and her words failed her. For just a moment she wondered if it would be possible. But pushed the thought aside, Anders would only be a rebound until she learned to deal with this gaping hole in her heart. But it nagged her, perhaps it could help her move on. _

_He took her hesitation as an invitation. His mouth covered hers, his lips soft, moist and aggressive and she stood unmoving in shock. When she didn't react he pressed against her lips harder, his mouth opening slightly, as his hands began to explore her body. That brought her anger in a rush and broke through her surprise. She shoved against his chest, breaking the kiss and swung her fist just like her brother had taught her. She connected with his right cheek in a resounded crack and she almost cried out with the pain. He jerked back from her bringing a hand to cover his face, his eyes saddened and painful at the rejection. _

_They hardened when she backed away from him again. "I won't kiss you again. You'll have to ask me first."_

_An abrupt laugh burst from her lips. "Then you'll be waiting a very long time."_

_His hand dropped revealing the swollen cheek and eye that was quickly turning an angry purple. His smile was tight and forced but he said nothing._

_She backed away towards the door. "I'm sorry Anders this was a mistake I'm leaving."_

She reached the water's edge listening to its musical rhythm as she sat down on the edge. Her knuckles had bruised badly from that punch but she had refused to heal it. There are just some things you should bear the pain for just to remind you of the choices you made. She had been so angry at him over that, going so far as to be outright nasty to him when their group all met together for the equinox party a couple days later. She felt bad about it now, in hindsight, and should probably apologize to him for it. After all its not like he would ever kiss her again. She would have to ask him first. She was unconsciously touching her lips with the memory. Would it be so bad too indulge herself. It wasn't as if Fenris was ever planning on coming back to her.

The pain of his leaving stabbed like a knife in her heart. The ecstasy of their auras connecting still echoed through her body on an almost daily basis, taking over her thoughts until every moment was filled with the memory of his face inches from hers whispering things to her in Tevinter that she didn't understand and didn't need to. The love and passion had been there in his voice, vibrating through every syllable easily making her the happiest person on the planet. Then it was all torn away leaving a gaping hole behind. She could see that he still cared deeply for her, the way he protected her, watching over her constantly in battle. They had become an indomitable force with his sword and her magic. He was so careful with her now, like a beautiful dance as they fell into each other's movements. Fluid the way the river melds to the rock and the rock molds for the river. One would give and the other would take, like and endless push and pull of energy. When they fought enemies they didn't think, they just reacted on instinct and it happened automatically.

It was when the enemies were gone that they became a magnetic force again, repelling the other away but somehow always wanting to be pulled together. She could feel the wrongness it would cause, the discord that reverberated through their beings and she had the inkling that was why the last time they touched it had been so overwhelmingly painful. A madness had taken control and it was slowly swallowing them whole. She began to wonder if it was worth holding on or if they were both too headstrong. Could they move on or would the madness take hold and they would leave each other bleeding and torn? It was a good question.

So what did she do now? The choice seemed clear. She had to move on, whatever that meant for her future. Take care of herself and hope that someday everything would work out the way it was suppose to.

There was so much that needed doing in the mean time. She wanted to get mentoring from someone. She needed help in finding out what happened to her father which meant she needed people in her life that would not judge if she was talking to demons and not automatically killing them onsite. Not that she thought she could kill Ra anyway. Then, of course, there was the Quanari. After the death of the Viscount's son things had escalated to a fever pitch and the explosion would be happening soon. So it was just a question of which shoe would drop first?

She watched the gentle sway of the water with the moonlight, wishing she could somehow be a part of it. Then she thought why couldn't she? She quickly unbuckled her boots, pulled them off, and unlaced her leather pants with a quick deftness from years of practice. She pulled her shirt over her head in one swift motion. The cool air made goose bumps prickle her flesh. The water would be freezing this time of year but she wouldn't stay in it long. She was down to her breast band and underwear when she heard a familiar voice shout from behind her just as she dived into the sea. She cried out under the icy water as it assaulted her body. Forcing herself to swim forward as each muscle screamed in protest until she finally emerged throwing her hair back with a smooth swing of her head.

The water felt amazing, chilling her to the bone, making her feel more alive than she had in the past few weeks. She looked back towards the dock having heard someone right when she jumped in. Anders stood there looking on with something bordering on shock and awe. She turned in the water swimming on her back towards the pier. The air stung her skin along her breasts and abdomen sending one icy wave after another as water washed over her skin with every stroke. The night sky sparkled and she felt a smile curl her lips as she marveled at its beauty. She heard a shifting behind her and she spun around to see what he was doing.

He still gazed at her but didn't move to interfere.

"Aren't you cold," he asked, "The water is freezing."

"A bit. Why don't you join me?" she teased.

Part of her was yelling not to taunt him in such a way but she ignored it. Maybe it was the cold water, maybe it was the realization that she had to move on, or maybe she was just tired of being everyone's doormat. Would she have preferred that it was Fenris standing in front of her and not Anders? Yes, part of her wished it was him, wanted his lithe form to be illuminated in the moonlight and not the mage's. But she also knew the elf wouldn't be and she couldn't throw away her life anymore waiting for something that may never come to pass.

He looked at her confused and torn. "What are you trying to do to me Hawke?" His hurt expression sent a stab to her heart.

She was now regretting her foolishness. She had dragged him along, flirting with him whenever she could until she had met Fenris and while she still enjoyed the playful and taunting banter between the two of them apparently now it would backfire. It never occurred to her that he would actually develop feelings for her considering the way they fought half the time. But then again she had been so blind to everyone except the elf, especially after everything that had occurred within the past year, she was hardly surprised. She instantly felt bad wishing she could erase the damage she had done.

She sighed as she treaded the water. Ok it was time to get out, she was freezing. "I'm sorry Anders. Can you give me a hand, I'm getting cold now."

He gave her a wary expression but put his hand out for her to grab. She reached out for him and when their hands locked she yanked down. He gave a brief yelp of surprise before falling into the water. She giggled uncontrollable until he emerged a few feet from her sputtering and cursing.

"Andraste's ass this water is cold." His eyes locked with hers and a feral grin formed on his face. "Oh you are so dead Hawke."

She squealed as a hand grasped around her wrist pulling her back towards him. She kicked out with her feet under the water trying to get free. She must have come in contact with the family jewels because he groaned in pain, instantly let go with another curse reaching down to cover the area. She swam quickly to the docks edge pulling herself out of the water. A hand locked around her ankle just as she got herself out.

"You are not going anywhere now Elise. You have to pay." He cajoled.

She looked back at him giving him a devious smile. "Wanna bet?"

She kicked at his chest, not hard but since he expected her to pull from his grasp and not push his hands loosened enough that she was able to jerk herself free. She got quickly to her feet hearing his growl and the splash of water as he swam towards her. She started running down the docks, the planks echoing the sound of her pounding feet. She spared one quick glance back and saw him vault out of the water dripping. She was laughing hard as she ran. She reached down to quickly scoop her discarded clothes up and took off towards her house in Hightown. She could hear him running after her and she giggled all the harder.

"You're gonna regret this" he cried. "When I get a hold of you, by the Maker you are going to ask me."

"I doubt it." She yelled back, her lungs protesting the cold air. She picked up speed as she reached the stairs leading to Hightown.

She ran like her life depended on it although it didn't. She was smiling wide as she sprinted down the cobblestone streets reveling in the freedom she felt. This was what she wanted and what her life lacked lately. Fun, pure unadulterated fun. Maybe she would let Ander's catch her, maybe she would ask him, or maybe she would slam the door in his face and make him climb the terrace to her balcony. Either way she would love it.

….

She arrived at her house breathless and sweaty. She pulled open the door and ran inside still laughing along the way. She decided to leave the door unlocked and see if Anders had the courage to pursue this to its final conclusion or if he would chicken out. She walked silently into the fire lit foyer clothes still in one hand. Bodhan and Sandal had gone to bed leaving the house peacefully quiet. She laid her clothing over the chair, grabbing a towel from a nearby closet to dry off. Her feet ached from running without her boots and she had a couple of scrapes along the bottom that stung from the salt water. The adrenaline of the chase still pumped through her blood and she began to wonder if he would ever walk through that door.

It occurred to her rather belatedly if rallying him up was such a good idea. What if Justice gained control for one moment and she ended up dead. She shook her head. No, she wouldn't let that happen. She would simply blast his ass across the room, Anders would regain control and it would be over. Or at least this is what she told herself. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to pull a lion's tail when he was mad as the saying goes 'let sleeping dogs lie'. But then again that was probably what attracted her to Anders and not to mention Fenris in the first place. The thrill of what could happen if something went awry. However with Fenris things had gotten…complicated and she paid the price dearly for that folly. Maker, she was messed up. She was pulling her shirt on when there was a loud thud outside the door and she thought, _maybe Anders decided to knock first?_

She quickly pulled on her leather pants over her still damp skin. They stuck making it difficult and annoying but she was able to get them up enough to cover her delicate bits. She laced them as she padded to the door in her bare feet. As a last ditch effort she combed through her hair with her fingers trying to detangle the snarls that had recently taken up residence and make her hair look somewhat appealing. She glanced in the mirror as she passed by and seeing it was a fruitless venture gave up with a sigh and opened the door.

She expected to see Anders before her instead she was confronted with and irate lirium glowing elf pinning the mage against the wall of her home. Anders was making small choking sounds trying to breathe unsuccessfully. Fenris was enraged, his features twisted into such malicious hatred that she wondered if he was indeed seeing Anders in front of him or Denarius. The arm that pinned the mage up in the air against the wall was visibly shaking with the effort as Anders kicked and thrashed.

"Fenris what are you doing!" she shouted, "Let go!" But the elf didn't seem to hear her, or even see her.

"Fenris stop!" she pushed back on the elf not thinking of what would happen. Instantly their auras connected and all she could feel was a pure blinding hatred for all magic wielders. The rage engulfed every other emotion until all she felt was the desire to end this mage's life along with every other magic wielder until she was bathing in a sea of blood. It made her want to cry with its ferocity. It kept filling her up, boiling her blood, blinding all other senses until all she could see was the world coated in red and then it overflowed. A scream broke the air rising in waves until the moment the elf pulled away releasing both her grip on him and his grip on Anders. She realized in that instant the scream was coming from her and she stopped. She was now kneeling on the ground gasping for air having no idea how she got to that position. She glanced up at Fenris, his lirium brands still glowed a soft blue as it illuminated his narrowed eyes, clenched jaw, and the barely contained rage that hovered just underneath the surface of his skin. Anders was coughing loudly on the ground as his body harshly took in the air it so desperately needed.

She rose steadily in between the two of them blocking his line of sight of the former warden. His hate filled eyes shifted to hers refusing to back down. Had it not been for his anger that still coursed through her veins she might have cowered in the face of that look. So much rage and it was not focused on one person as she thought it would be but on all mages. There was no remorse, no empathy, no….love and she wondered not for the first time if the elf even knew how.

"What are you doing here Fenris?" her annoyance at the interruption of what might have been between her and Anders evident in her voice.

The elf's mien shifted from a self assured arrogance to skepticism as he studied the two of them together. She could tell he was unsure of how to react or what to say. He would inhale to say something and then quickly let it out as he became more and more confused.

"I thought perhaps….." he hesitated and his featured hardened noticeably, "but apparently I was wrong…." His jaw clenched highlighting the sharpness of his features. "Perhaps you would like time alone with the abomination" He growled through his teeth.

Her anger flared at his impertinence. "Perhaps I would like to discuss something private with Anders but whether I do or not gives you no right to throw my comrades up against the wall of my home, or any wall for that matter."

The last of his uncertainty melted away revealing nothing but cold insolence and knowing he could give her such a look shocked her to her core. "Forgive my intrusion then." He said giving her a mock bow. "I leave you to your…..musings." He turned but before walking away he had one parting remark. "I thought you were different, that you could…." He shook his head, "but I was wrong." He mumbled to the ground. He stiffly started to walk away.

She stood there watching him ago feeling Anders come up behind her to put his arms around her shoulders. She wanted to fall into that embrace and the security it offered but part of her knew it wouldn't last because her heart wasn't in it. It wasn't with him or at least couldn't be right now. After a long lingering moment she slowly brushed Anders arms away turning to look at him.

"I can't let him leave like this." She muttered looking up into the mages eyes seeking his understanding. His face twisted into distaste as his eyes flicked from her to the elf.

He backed away sullenly, "Fine. When he rejects you again don't come running to me. I'll be in my clinic if by some miracle you change your mind."

She raised her hand to grab him before he could walk away, waiting in mid air, but it fell to her side again as she watched him walk away from her, never bothering to glance back.

She stood alone, the door to her home still standing wide open spilling light into the street. She was angry, mad at herself for letting this happen again and furious with Fenris for finding new ways to torture her. Every time she thought she made a decision to move on he would show up giving her just enough to doubt what she was doing. This madness was eating her alive. The fury swelled in her until all she could visualize doing was punching him, damn him and his sensitivity.

Why couldn't love be easier? Why couldn't it be clearly defined or obvious of intention? Why did it have to be so bloody complicated? She had always dreamed of that faceless man, who would love her and all that she was without question, accept her faults, cherish her and keep her safe. For one night the vision of that man had been Fenris, as distorted as it was she was willing to embrace all of it. But he pushed her away and now she seemed to find herself stuck between two realities. _This is ridiculous I feel like a character in one of Varric's fables_, she thought the anger and sarcasm taking root again. _Next time on Days of Our Lives we will join Elise where she finds out it was all just a dream and that she was really in the control of a demon all along. Maker my life is messed up! _

She came up the stairs slowly hearing the resounding boom of his front door being thrown closed as he entered it, followed by the tell tale signs of more roof shingles falling to collide on the pristine cobblestone streets of Hightown. She eventually came to the top of the stair case, standing near the door to his mansion. There were more muted thuds of objects banging against walls and the muffled crash of breaking glass as yet another wine bottle found its use for venting his anger, or so she guessed. _Time to wake the dragon_, she thought.

It was sad in a way for while she debated the choices she was given a decision was made for her, and it would all soon come to an end.


	15. Red Rain

**Yes I know it has been a long time since this has been updated but the muse struck rather suddenly while listening to the song "Red Rain" by Peter Gabriel. An album I haven't listened to for quite some time. So without further ado….**

Chapter 15: Red Rain

The city was burning. The nobles dragged from their homes and gathered together to either join the Qun or die. These humans were pathetic, cowering in a corner and pissing themselves as she fought for their lives yet again. She had been claimed " Basalit-an", a worthy rival of the Arishok, and he thought with her power the duel would be easily won.

But now….

She was holding back. Her magic was doing enough damage, that of a normal mage for sure but if she wanted to win this battle she would have to embrace the darkness within her or they were all doomed. He struggled helplessly against invisible arms, his body seemingly paralyzed, as he watched her be impaled on the Arishok's sword. He screamed one wordless cry that everyone around him seemed to ignore. She was thrown from the sword across the room, collided with the wall and crumbled to the floor. Her head rose from the floor only long enough to whisper a spell. Large ice shards shot from the ground stopping the Arishok in mid stride.

Slowly, so very slowly she struggled to rise, screaming with pain. His shout of frustration echoed hers but no one paid him any mind. Her cries reverberated off the walls in the silent Keep. People stood all around, human, dwarf, elf and Qunari alike. Not a one made a sound but watched in awe and mute horror. Varric was standing next to Aveline, the two exchanged a worried glance. They knew, everyone knew, if Hawke died, they all died in one bloody battle for survival.

The ice would not hold her opponent much longer. She was healing herself only enough to put off her imminent death. More blood trickled down the side of her face from a wound she had no time to heal. She leaned against the wall, still clutching the partially healed over gash that had almost split her in two.

So much blood….there was so much blood. The floor was coated with it, the walls smeared and sprayed and it was hers, all hers.

The Arishok broke free and charged.

She leaped out of the way at the last second. Only to have him follow her with a quickness that shouldn't be possible with his size.

She was only narrowly missing his swings, dodging and twisting, using the pillars in the room to her advantage. She rolled and twirled, bolts of lightning shooting from her palms interspersed with his strikes that met nothing but air. It was like a beautiful dance as she weaved in-between his blows.

She was so strong, the strongest willpower he'd ever seen in a mage. A power rivaled by no other. But she had no faith. She had only doubt.

Fenris struggled again against his nameless captors. But he couldn't move, immobilized and mute, like a faceless watcher, meant only to bear witness to her death.

The Arishok charged forward and seemed to freeze in place. A glyph in the ground burst to life in a glow of blue and white. He screamed in frustration but would be paralyzed for only a few moments as she backed quickly across the room.

She closed her eyes for a moment that seemed like an eternity. Her words became audible in the language of magic. The air around him heated into an oven, his skin feeling like it wanted to peel off his flesh. People cried out in pain and fell to the ground, but still it grew hotter. Her eyes snapped open, her eyes blazing with a wrath he had never seen before. Her arms made large arcs in the air and the heat in the room seemed to gravitate toward her. Flames crawled up her arms, then her legs, slowly covering her entire body in liquid fire. The humanity seemed to drain from her face and she became something else entirely. Her skin was changing, the veins darkening until they were almost black and standing in stark contrast with her paleness, her eyes shining like beacons, her jet black hair was floating in the air, as if gravity had no power over it.

And then the Arishok was free, sword raised to strike her through.

Power flooded the room until he could barely breath and then….nothing.

Fenris jerked awake to the crashing of his front door. He shook his head, mind still in a fog as to what the hell was happening. The smell of ash and burning wood filled his nostrils and for an instant he thought he was still sleeping.

_It was a dream. It was all a dream, the smell isn't real just your mind playing tricks._

He'd almost begun to believe it until Isabella crashed into the room looking like she'd been through a war. Soot and dirt were caked all over her body. Blood trickled in a steady stream down one thigh from a gash in her hip. She carried a book as large as her entire torso in her arm and a dagger in the other.

She dropped the book onto the floor. The resounding crash it made shocked his ears.

"Time to get up Fenris!"

She picked up his gauntlets and threw them at him.

"The city is burning and I can't let Hawke die for my sins, not today anyway."

He pulled them on in haste as a strange panic took hold, making his brands tingle with the sensation of ants crawling all over his skin.

"What happened!" he snarled.

Isabella rolled her eyes as he threw on the rest of his armor.

"I cornered Hawke before she came into your mansion earlier this evening. It's also why I figured you'd still be here."

"AND…"

He glanced at the intricate carvings on the book. It looked familiar, not because he's seen it before but he recognized the symbols on the front. He couldn't place where he'd seen them before.

He suddenly realized Isabella was talking and he hadn't heard a word.

She sighed exaggeratedly but didn't seem to realize his mental lapse, "Long story short with her help I got the relic back and left, intending never to return."

"You betrayed her!" he screamed.

She looked alarmed for a moment. "Didn't you hear anything I just said!"

He cringed inwardly but said nothing.

She rolled her eyes again. "Well I'm here aren't I?"

His mouth set in a thin line of contemplation as he thought momentarily about striking her down right there. But there was no time. Hawke needed him.

He prayed it was only a dream but he somehow knew it was some kind of warning.

They were out the door and running through the sacked city. Everywhere buildings were burning and people screaming. Quanari were dragging a few noble men and women across the ground in the direction of the Keep. It was the only place that wasn't on fire.

"Its kind of pretty in a nightmarish sort of way." The pirate laughed.

"What the city burning or the Qunari hauling around these helpless highborn idiots?"

He felt his lips curl into a sneer as she stifled a giggle. They settled into a steady jog toward the Viscount's Keep, avoiding whatever fighting they could.

"A little of both I think." She said with a lilt.

Let the noble morons fend for themselves for once, he thought. Hawke couldn't always be their savior.

The darkness was eating at the edges of her vision.

Pain….so much pain.

It hindered her every breath, was the companion of every movement. She opened her eyes and all she could see was red.

_So it would end here_, she thought_, bittersweet, in a way_. Her vision was going in gray and white splotches as the blood loss began to take its toll.

There would be no one to save her, no one to stop the blade, no one to remember her. Because if she died they would all die.

She started to laugh to herself at the ridiculousness of it all. It began as a giggle, hardly discernible to anyone but herself, and then grew to a chuckle until it finally erupted into a full blown hysterical laugh. The pain from the movement was sobering and even more horribly amusing all at the same time.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew what this looked like. She could even see the onlookers think it, with their expensive clothing and their perfectly applied makeup that was smudged all to hell. Their faces belyed their fear and doubt that this woman in front of them was all she was cracked up to be as she lost all sense of sanity right in front of their eyes.

Hell, maybe she had. Would anyone really be all that surprised? After all, she'd been through hell in the last year. Literally! Aside from watching her siblings die which had been hard enough, she'd then been kidnapped by the very person who haunted her dreams every night. Beaten, tortured, raped, seduced by a demon, seduced by Fenris, dumped by Fenris, killed her friends in the Fade, and barely escaped that same demon, twice! Witnessed the murder and subsequent second death of her mother, finding out her father maybe impossibly be alive and stuck on another plane, her magic going insane during all of this, nearly losing her mind only to find herself here, yet again, saving the people of this city from themselves.

Her laughter died, the sound still echoing throughout the chamber. Yeah she'd definitely lost her marbles now. Maybe in the next life, she thought morosely.

The Arishok stared at her like she had grown a second head before charging for her, only to find himself stuck in the glyph she had spelled onto the floor.

He roared in frustration. All she could do was gaze at him as she began chanting what would probably be her last spell.

"You will not survive this. I've seen that realization in your eyes."

She merely smiled at him as she continued her spell. Her mind was in turmoil and she tried not to focus on it. So many memories, so many things she would miss, people she would miss. Fenris…..

Images of him flashed through her mind. The way he would stand in front and protect her during battle, the slight quirk of his mouth when he found something amusing, the feel of his arms as they encircled her, the taste of his lips when he kissed her, the ecstasy of their auras combining for that heart stopping moment when they were joined and every connection she felt thereafter.

She would find him again in her next life.

Her words became choked as the regret that she would not see him began to take its toll. She closed her eyes and continued chanting. The words had started out strong but as the power grew she felt herself slipping. With all of her strength she focused, letting the pain slip away until all she felt was the magic within her, and concentrated on that one spot. There was a wall of resistance at first, something that pushed her away from that edge, something that warned her she wasn't ready. A sudden rage took her and she lashed out at that imaginary wall. Her eyes snapped open as a damn broke with a roar in her mind. Power…so much power

And then the Arishok broke free and charged.

The room erupted in bright light as he threw the doors open. His arm went up instantaneously to cover his eyes. There was a blast, followed by the sound of a heavy body hitting the far wall.

A moment later the light died and everyone was instantly blind as their eyes adjusted to the dimness of the room. He blinked repeatedly trying to clear the vision in front of him.

The Arishok was dead, his body charred to a crisp, with a hole where his heart used to be. Not far across the room lay Hawke. She was kneeling on the ground, slumped over the Arishok's sword that protruded from her chest.

"NO!" he screamed.

He ran to her side, knelt on the ground next to her and brushed the hair back from her face. Her eyes were closed and her body fell limply into his arms.

There was nothing…..

No spark, no snap of connection, he felt nothing from her. He eased her down to the floor as his very soul seemed to cry out for hers.

"She's gone" he heard a familiar voice mumble in shock behind him.

"NO! …..NO!" he stood in one lighting quick movement and grabbed the source of that voice.

Anders was staring at her, tears streaming down his face. "Sh..sh…she's gone" the words tumbled out again in disbelief.

"NO!" he screamed and thrust the mage's body hard against the wall. "NO!" and simultaneously pounded him into the wall again.

The pain took hold as the realization finally stuck home that there was no coming back from this. He staggered, releasing Anders and grabbed helplessly at the place over his heart. An invisible vice turned again and agony took its place. He crumbled to the floor, his legs no longer able to hold him up. At some point The First Enchanter must have come in the room because he was kneeling next to her body. He watched his face for some glimmer of hope that she could be saved, if anyone had the ability to bring her back he did.

The pain subsided.

Then he saw Orsino's entire demeanor change and slump forward in defeat, the throbbing in his chest sliced through him again, twice as raw, twice as powerful.

_So this is what it feels like to have your heart ripped out_, he thought.

All around people gaped and stared, not moving just transfixed on her dead body. He had the sudden urge to cover her up, so they would stop gawking at her like some kind of freak show. He looked for his comrades and saw them doing the same thing. Just staring…..

Anger flared, diminishing the pain and he found himself suddenly on his feet striding over to Aveline and Varric.

"Why are you staring!" he yelled at them, "Treat her with respect, she deserves as much."

But they didn't move, didn't even acknowledge him.

He grabbed Aveline's arm when a strange disembodied voice disrupted the silence.

"Don't bother my wolf. They will not hear you." The voice jingled like it was listening to some private joke.

He looked around the room at all the people frozen in place.

"Who are you? Show yourself!" He demanded.

The voice laughed manically and then a blue gray clouded rose up from the ground across from the frozen form of Orsino in front of Hawke's body. The form of a man emerged, with shoulder length wavy brown hair, a muscular build in a nobleman's clothing, complete with top hat and cane. He smiled wickedly and raised both hands to his sides in the gesture of "here I am".

Fenris' brands tingled with a peculiar sensation as if to warn him. He shifted on his feet uncomfortably holding his sword in his hands.

"Tell me my wolf, what would you give to have your Hawke back." It asked.

His eyes narrowed, "What are you? You are not a mage, or anything of this plane I can feel it."

The creature rolled its eyes at him with an expression of "Well Duh".

"Figured that out all on your own did you? My, we are a smart one." It teased.

His anger flared, as did the lirium in his skin, "What do you want demon!"

It tutted, "We do have a temper don't we? But demon is a poor word choice for I am much more powerful than that." But it waved its hand dismissively, "No matter. So tell me my wolf what would you give to have her back?" it asked again, pointing at Hawke's body.

He raised his sword to strike this creature down. He did not deal with demons, not even to save Hawke's life.

The demon raised an eyebrow, "Really?!" it asked in exasperation. It flung a hand into the air and a force beyond his comprehension flung him against the wall, pinning him three feet from the floor.

"Do you really think you can kill me?" the demon mocked.

"I've killed demons before." He said through gritted teeth.

"Ah yes, that may be, but as I've said I am no demon, I am something much more terrifying and I cannot be killed by the likes of you."

It knelt down beside her, running its hands along the edge where the sword met her flesh, humming a little tune to itself all the while. Fenris felt his stomach give a heave.

"Don't touch her!" he cried out.

It huffed with annoyance but otherwise ignored his outburst. With one swift movement the creature had grabbed the sword and yanked it out of her body. Her chest gave a tug before releasing the sword with a thick wet sucking sound.

After gazing at the massive bloody sword for a moment it tossed it aside as if it were no more than a child's toy. Fenris was staring in disbelief, stilled pinned against the wall, not sure what to make of this whole ordeal. It knelt by her side again and placed its bloody hand on her forehead and closed its eyes. For a moment that was almost to quick to see the demons expression changed into something more... loving almost... and then was just as quickly gone.

But he saw it, he knew he saw it.

"Ah yes….Still Good."

"What do you mean 'still good'? Can you save her?"

The creatures mouth quirked and looked up at him, "In a manner of speaking yes."

Now it was Fenris' turn to raise an eyebrow. "In a manner of speaking?"

"The seal has been broken. That cannot be undone."

"Seal?"

It made a disgusted sound, "Really? Does your kind know nothing now?"

The demon stood and waved its hand in the air. Some force around him vanished and he fell to the ground. He glanced around for his sword. It was far out of his reach some ten feet away so he slowly got to his feet studying this….thing, creature, demon, whatever the hell it was.

It shook its head in annoyance and huffed, "My, how far the elves have fallen. Unfortunately for you I am not in the habit of giving history lessons. Suffice to say that events have been set in motion that now cannot be undone and I for one intend to see this to its final bloody conclusion. However, that will not happen without her survival. "

"So you will bring her back?"

It laughed that little giddy yet blood chilling laugh that left him feeling like he was missing out on something very important.

"Yes and now it is time for you to join the others."

And the next thing he knew Hawke was taking a deep gasping breath, clutching at the place where the sword had impaled her chest.

**A/N: **_Let me know what you think of this latest installment. I am torn which story to continue with now. But anyway reviews on this will definitely help to keep me more inspired to continue writing this one and let me know any suggestions you might have.. So please…..and I will do my best not to lax too much on either story for those of you that are following both. Thank you to all of those who have reviewed in the past and continue to follow this story. Without that I would definitely have stopped writing this a long time ago._


	16. Tainted Love

**Chapter 16: Tainted Love**

_Cold…..so cold._

_Why do I feel so cold?_

_Where am I? Can not see anything. Darkness…..everywhere is darkness._

_Where is the light? …..No light left._

_Where is the warmth? ….No warmth left._

_Where is the life? …No life…._

_No…it is not supposed to end like this. Death is only the beginning…._

_I am the spark of existence…..born of fire and blood…_

_I am the beginning and the end…the song of the sun…_

_I am the protector and the destroyer all in one…._

_I am life incarnate….._

_..._

The brush of lips on hers….breathing into her.

A voice filled with love and longing, a voice that was so familiar in so many ways…..

"Not yet my sunsinger…..not yet….I have waited too long to have you."

Then pain consumed her…And she screamed

It was baffling, this pain, completely and utterly baffling. Her body attempted to reject it, to resist it. But all she could feel was searing agony. Her flesh blistering as flames crawled up her skin, charring her to a crisp. _No_, a thought came, _that is wrong._ And she realized the burning was from within her. She screamed and screamed although it didn't work. She clawed at her chest, trying to rip it open and release the pain. Then a power was pushed on her and she felt numb outside. But the burning didn't stop, now she had to absorb it all. Time didn't exist, seconds, minutes, hours, she couldn't tell. It all blurred together into this razing of her reality. She could only endure. Survive. But her mind couldn't handle much more….and darkness pulled at the edges. She fell under.

For awhile she existed in the black abyss. Pushing to get free. But she was so weak, so tired and she couldn't understand this feeling. Why was she here? Shouldn't there be something else other than darkness, this void of existence. She had died, she remembered, when the sword impaled her chest. Then she felt nothing more, seen a light, and then a Beast had come up and claimed her, and pulled her back into hell.

_Not Hell….Rebirth…..life….._another thought seemed to come_._

Then the red reality of incineration returned.

She was wishing for a return to that abyss, the black void where the pain didn't exist. But it didn't come. It was like having her heart ripped out of her chest, being impaled on the end of the Arishok's sword, trampled by and endless stampede and eaten alive by a dragon. All at once. She would have taken any one of those things a hundred times over instead of the inferno that burned inside her. How long could this continue….

In one abrupt moment the pain ceased, snuffed out and replaced with a strange humming sound. The hum transformed into a harmonic tone that seemed to rise and bring her with it. That tone turned to a melody that repeated in an endless cycle that was so familiar to her. _Fenris_, the thought came. It pulled her up, dragging her back into consciousness, back into reality. Then, just as suddenly that music was gone, replaced with emptiness and silence. She became aware that she was lying down, aware of voices speaking, aware of the argument that was taking place.

She opened her eyes.

He was screaming, the beast within finally unbound.

With four little words he ripped out her heart and something within her burst free.

...

After that one horrible racking breath she started screaming. Screaming at the top of her lungs so loud that she probably wouldn't be able to talk right for weeks. He got up to run to her side and then stopped almost as abruptly as he began. He was torn for a moment whether he should go to her side or grab his sword in case she…..his mind didn't want to complete the thought. Orsino said a few words in a language he recognized as elven and Hawke fell silent. Her eyes rolled back in her head and her entire body relaxed. For a brief moment he thought she was dead but after seeing her chest rise and fall he assumed the first enchanter had put her to sleep. He couldn't seem to bring himself to speak. Too much had happened in such a short space of time and he needed some time to wrap his head around it all.

"Let's take her back to her home." Aveline suggested, "At least until we can figure out what happened."

Varric nodded his head, "That seems as good a place as any. We definitely need to get her out of here though or at any moment the Knight Commander may come over and arrest her."

Aveline looked taken aback, "The Knight Commander would do no such thing. Hawke is a hero. She just saved the city."

Fenris finally found his voice, "And then she died." Even he could hear the dreadful judgmental tone of that one comment.

Her group of comrades congregated around her lying form.

Anders looked grim, "Whatever happened we need to find out immediately. And we need privacy. She must be tested. If a demon has taken control she must be taken out. And there are too many people here gawking at her."

For a few moments no one said anything as they all tried to absorb this new frightening possibility, a possibility that seemed very likely considering what he just witnessed with that thing that seemed to care for her, whatever it was. The only thing he knew for certain was that it was evil. That much he was able to tell. He contemplated this for a second. If that was the case and she was conversing with something so sinister….

He shook his head. Could he have been so utterly wrong about her? Yes….yes he could. It wasn't like it hadn't happened before. That Hadriana pretended to care for him, even love him, blaming his memory loss on some other horrible mages that had taken him for a slave. He had been so blind, so lost in her that he didn't see the truth that was right in front of his face. And then he had awoken to a nightmare as the enormity of what she was set in, and then she and Denarius tortured him to the brink of his sanity. His mind seemed to rebel from this thinking…it couldn't possibly be happening again. Hawke was different….

Isabella cocked her hip, "Well then what are we waiting for. I, for one, need a drink and I've always wanted to raid her wine cellar."

For a moment no one seemed to move. A few pairs of eyes flicked to him and he realized they were waiting for him to pick her up and carry her. He hesitated, so many thoughts ran through his head at once. What if she was possessed by that demon? What if she was now an abomination… or some kind of new horror altogether. What if she was no longer Hawke? Could he kill her…..

Anders made a disgusted sound and bent to pick her up.

Nothing happened.

She looked like a starving orphan in his arms, small and helpless. Fenris cursed silently at the aching his body felt, the way it seemed to gravitate towards her and always know where she was. He both hated it and loved it all at the same time. Were there a way to go back and change what happened between them he would have done it. He would have walked out her door that night, even if it was the best one of his existence. Now he was left tormented, doomed to repeat the past it would seem.

They made their way out of the Keep and blessedly the Knight Commander said nothing. Although from the expression on her face this was far from over. There was a steady downpour outside that was slowly putting the fires in the sacked city out. Big plumes of smoke rose into the sky while people still ran about trying to fix their little corner of the hell. It all felt a little surreal to him. He wanted to pinch himself so he could wake up to find that the demon had just been a figment of his imagination and that everything was just as it was before…he frowned….before she decided to bed the abomination.

From there his thoughts seemed to just spiral downward, each one worst than the last. The shock of her coming out of her house with the laugh lines still crinkling her face as she looked for that mage made his stomach churn. He could read the intent in her eyes until he had so inconveniently interrupted them. But then again Isabella had mentioned she found her outside his house. He scowled and shook his head. She was going to be the death of him. His life had been so much simpler when he hated all mages even if it was a lonely one, and then she came along and screwed that all up. He was forced to change for her and he had done so happily.

Practically growling in agitation he looked up from the ground to find they were in front of her home now. Her manservant let them in, and their entire group congregated in her library where they placed her on a lounge chair that was in one corner. The abomination continued to fawn at her with an excuse of checking her for wounds. Then he placed a hand over her chest and a blue light burst from it and went through her chest. Nothing happened. The rage just seemed to build.

"Well at least it seems she isn't possessed," the mage muttered.

At that moment Sandal walked in and gazed at the still form of Hawke. His eyes seemed to glaze over and then he was speaking. Something they had never heard him do other than to ask, "Enchantment?"

His voice took on a monotone type quality and he stated, "One day the magic will come back. All of it. Everyone will be just like they were. The shadows will part and the skies will open wide. When she rises everyone will see…." And then he fell silent.

As if on que his father walked in. "Sandal, my boy, what are you doing in here. Let's leave our lady and her friends alone. Come on."

Sandal looked at his father, "Enchantment?"

"No. No. Not now son." And they were gone.

Everyone seemed to look lost after that interruption, as if they didn't know quite what to make of it. If anything at all.

Like a growing sickness his mind continued on its path of destruction and he thought over the demon interferrence. What was she doing talking to demons? Had she been lying to him all along? Consorting with them behind his back? This one definitely seemed to know her personally and maybe even intimately. He had caught the caring expression it had given her body when it knelt down next to her. Was her magic so powerful that even demons wanted to protect her. Or was she one of them all along. Sick…. Maker he needed a drink. This was more than he could bear.

Some kind of force was pulling him to her, like she needed him now, somehow. Anders got up and went to sit in a chair nearby and that seemed to solidify his path to her side.

He walked over to his biggest mistake and stared at her limp form, and he knew he was scowling again. Her skin was changing before his eyes, it was still so white but now in was luminescent with a slight golden hue, as if she could give off her own light. It made her appear more ethereal, more alien than she already did. His anger and disgust was already disappearing with her close proximity. Her hands looked strange until he got up closer and saw within the skin tiny markings like his own but much thinner and gold in color. He wondered if it was lirium and how it got there but for some reason he couldn't seem to hold onto the thought and it was quickly discarded. Her shoulder length hair was still the black so dark that when the sun hit it, the blue toned highlights gleamed. It had grown out some since it was shorn from her head, since the night he had come to know every inch of her body and worshipped her. That last thought shamed him and he closed his eyes for a moment to try to release the memory. It didn't work. He tried to be angry again at what she was doing to him and failed. That confused him more than anything. Only moments before she had disgusted him but now that he was close to her….

He opened them again intending to move away but got caught and gazed at her face, seeing, not for the first time, the lines in the corner of her eyes that crinkled when she smiled. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips for he hadn't seen that smile aimed in his direction for what seemed like an eternity. He noticed the same tiny golden etchings framed her face, traveling up her neck to form flame like swirls up the side of her cheek, the tips reaching the corners of her eyes. He didn't believe she could become more beautiful and it was like his body just reacted and he reached out to graze the side of her face. At that instant there was a burst of emotion that was both raw and powerful, their auras connected, the markings in their skin both illuminating. Every negative thought that remained was discarded, every care cast aside and he felt both happy and peaceful. He reveled in it, and for the first time didn't care what she was or who cared about her, even if they were demons. There were multiple intakes of breath from behind him as they both glowed softly.

He exhaled quietly. Now he was complete. The aching in his body eased now that they were touching. She was still sleeping, looking relaxed for the first time in months. The urge to kiss her lips was almost uncontrollable. To feel of their silky warmth pressed against his was intoxicating and unbearable. He gritted his teeth and pushed the impulse away. How? He didn't know, but he felt the wrongness it caused.

Isabella's awe struck voice asked from behind him, "What is happening? Why are they both glowing?"

Anders answered the question, "Their auras are combined again." And his voice was disgusted and envious all at the same time.

He expected her to make some tart remark about the mages jealously but it didn't come.

"Why?" she seemed genuinely curious.

When Anders remained quiet Orsino answered, "Because they are one, no matter how they may both fight it."

The pirate laughed, "What like soul mates?"

The first enchanter's grim demeanor didn't change, "I suspect they are something much more than that. The reason, I fear, will only become apparent as time passes."

With a monumental effort he removed his hand from her cheek. A hiss was pulled through his teeth when his markings began to throb like never before and it was all he could do to not reach out and touch her again. His skin felt like it was ripping in two as his body rebelled against him.

"She is not human….."he managed to growl through a clenched jaw.

Orsino sighed, "No, I think not."

"You think?"

This comment came out slightly better, with the distraction of having a conversation it seemed to lessen the intensity. Then as soon as the thought formed his lirium reacted and the pain went up a notch.

He cringed.

"You are as stubborn as she is." The first enchanter observed. "To answer your question I'm not entirely sure. There is so much of history that is lost to legend and folklore that I can't be one hundred percent positive that she is not. Although everything seems to point in that direction."

Anders, who had been quiet through this entire exchange, looked pointedly at the two elves. "So what is she?"

"Unfortunately I am not the one to answer that. Everything I have been taught since an early age was controlled by the Templars. The Circle is not the place to find answers. You need someone much older and wiser than I, someone who is a myth and legend in and of herself."

"You sound like you have someone in mind."

Before the first enchanter could answer, Merrill chimed in with the answer.

"Asha'bellanar."

Orsino nodded his head in agreement. "I think she would be best, yes."

Anders raised his hands up in the air and dropped them in disgust. "Well that's just great. So what? We take a journey into the wilds to search for her in hopes that by some miracle she will still be there. And let's not forget that if we do manage to locate her we have to hope she's in the mood to talk to us and not just eat us."

Merrill seemed undeterred by the tone, "Well we can always talk to the Keeper and find out what she knows and go from there. I can also ask for help from other sources."

Fenris's scowl became even more pronounced. "Blood magic." He practically spat at her.

"Hiss and spit all you like Fenris, but I don't see you doing a damn thing to help the woman you love."

"Go Kitten!" Isabella cheered from the back of the room.

He made an ugly sound low in his throat. His hands balled into fists. He would have liked nothing better than to wipe that smile off the young mages face, that smile that said he was lying to himself. Rage built and the beast within him woke again. He couldn't stop the fire from searing through his blood, his heart from pounding loudly in his ears. The anger was taking control and he didn't want to fight it.

"She is not a woman. She is not even human!" he was now shouting at Merrill. "How could I love someone who is probably a demon herself! It would explain this power she has over me, why I can't seem to leave her alone or ever leave her side. I am her slave! More than I ever was to Denarius." He ran his hands through his hair as he began to pace the room. The further away from Hawke he walked to more he was able to embrace his rage. He jerked his fists away like her was trying to pull his hair out from the roots. "And you know what the sick part is, I don't want to leave. I endure this torture because I can't seem to let her go unless she tells me too."

Orsino's sorrow filled voice broke his rant. "Have you considered it's because you're not meant to."

"So I am supposed to remain at her side while she consorts with demon like entities. Am I to just look the other way?"

"Perhaps you should talk to her first before making such accusations?"

"Why? So I can convince myself to stay again? No. I will not die for her!"

Everything within him was fighting back at the lie in his words. His skin seared and burned, the lirium throbbed and pulsed with blue light raging in a new awe inspiring agony. He almost doubled over with the pain.

Words erupted from his mouth as he fought against the source, like he could cast her aside and end his torment .

"I Cannot Love Her!"

The entire room was silent. He looked around for someone to respond. They were all looking at the floor or at least anywhere but at him and he realized belatedly why. Hawke. He turned to face her, knowing she was now awake. Her eyes were fixed on him, the color stunning, blazing red orange and gold that seemed to swirl together in a pool of color. _Like a dancing fire_, he thought. Her face was indifferent, a mask, and he felt for the first time he was looking on a stranger.

Her raspy voice broke the silence "Then go Fenris. I release you."

A bond snapped, and he was free. Then a voice in his head asked him, _what have you done_?

**A/N: I know, I know, you are all screaming at me now. All I can say for now is, sorry. However I do need to ask, would you like to continue with this thread and have Hawke go out to find Flemeth, I also had a thought of doing one or both of the DLC quests during this three year hiatus or of course we could just fast forward through it all and you kind find out about it as Act 3 unfolds. Up to you. Hope you liked this addition and sorry again for the long update but I went back and spruced up the entire story….well from chapter 4 on. So until next time…..**


	17. The Chain

**Chapter 17: The Chain**

The bond snapped. He was free, free at least from her. Now he had to battle his own demons and that was something she couldn't help him with. She watched him impassively as a myriad of emotions flowed over his face.

"Hawke, I…"

She cut him off, "Was there something else?" she snapped. "Something you didn't cover in that little tirade?" She fixed him with a glare and a rush of power washed through her. She rode the rage, infusing her body with hatred for this elf. It felt incredible, powerful and wildly out of control. "Would you like to rip out my heart like you did to Hadriana, you murdering bastard." Shock at the words that passed her lips widened her eyes. _Oh God. I just crossed the line, well over the line. Where did those words come from?_ But she wouldn't take them back, not after all of that.

His stance became defensive and his eyes narrowed. "I see. May our paths not cross again Hawke."

And he was gone. The slamming of the door the only sound to mark his passage.

Her friends didn't say anything for a while and the silence was building with a perceivable tension. The connection was gone, vanished from existence. It wasn't until that absence that she realized just how much he was a part of her every breath. It was a vibration in the back of her head that if she concentrated on it she could follow it, like Varric's ball of thread, and find him. Now she just felt empty and hollowed out, a great wall where he used to be. He was gone. He couldn't hurt her again. _Good Riddance_, she thought.

She sighed long and loud, an exhalation of all the grief. But it felt different this time, better somehow. Like his leaving had been the final piece to fall in place in what was meant to happen. It still hurt…..throbbed in time to the beat of her heart. However, for the first time in her life she felt renewed, like half of her had been missing all along. It dulled the pain of his leaving, or maybe distracted her, or both.

She glanced around the room from her vantage point in the corner. Anders was closest to her, standing only a few feet away, with his hands folded across his chest and a pleased expression on his face as he stared at the area where the elf just stood. Orsino stood next to the mage, leaning slightly on his staff staring at that same vacant spot with disappointment etched across his features. Varric was sitting on the couch with his feet propped up on the table in front of him, hands folded behind his head, facing in her direction. _Waiting for the story_, she mused. Aveline was next to him, as stoic as ever, staring at the ground like it would jump up at any moment and bite her. It made her wonder how the Captain and Donnic were doing, if they were still together. She hoped they were. Someone should find their happy ending here. Isabella sat with her legs hanging languidly over the side of the chair taking swig after swig from a bottle that was probably filched from her own wine cellar. _Pirates_. Merrill was standing opposite of the two mages near the fire place, gazing at the empty hearth. None of them made eye contact. Guess they couldn't bear to see the knife slide home into her heart again and again as the elf's words repeated like a mantra in her head. But this time she wouldn't die inside, this time she was reborn.

"So…."she began her voice shattered and raw, "who wants to tell me what the hell happened and why I'm back in this shit hole."

They all looked at her, some in shock, some in confusion, and some in satisfaction. Eyes flicking around the room at her companions, waiting for someone to begin, eyebrows raised in question.

"Well…." her hoarse breath prompted.

Anders murmured, "You were dead. I felt no life in your body. And Justice agreed, you were gone. There was not even a chance to save you. Then, just as suddenly your aura just erupted with light and you took a breath and started screaming." He glanced away at the ground his expression becoming pained. "It was awful. Then Orsino.." and he fell silent again in contemplation. "I don't understand how you could be here." He whispered.

Her eyes fell on the first enchanter as he watched her intently, "Anything you want to add?"

Orsino's eyes locked with hers, frustration and surprise still coloring his mien, "So you're just going to let him go?"

She felt her face harden as something angry and cold took its place. A voice whispered in her head answering the mages question, _he has served his purpose_.

"Yes. I am done with these chains." Her voice was icy and disconnected.

The first enchanters head cocked to one side, trying to discern this sudden change in her character.

"What?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow, "Too cold?"

The first enchanter just shook his head and remained silent.

"I am done chasing after him. If he wants me he knows where I am. But I am not waiting for him anymore. He chose his fate. Now I am choosing mine."

Orsino let out one long defeated sigh and made his way towards the door, turning to give her one last long look. "His fate is intertwined with yours no matter which path you choose. There is no undoing that. Building your wall higher will not solve that." She frowned. She didn't know what to say to that and he didn't wait for an answer. "I'm glad you're back, for whatever the purpose the gods deemed it fit to send you back here." And with that he turned to leave.

She instantly regretted being so hard hearted to the first enchanter. He was nothing if not a devoted friend and mentor, even if she wasn't willing to hear the words.

"Orsino" she called out to him. He turned around at the door. "For what it's worth, thank you." He smiled at her and nodded his head, and then he turned and was gone.

Her head fell back on the end of the chaise lounge she reclined on and closed her eyes. Exhaustion pulled on her, dragging her down. She was completely drained, both physically and emotionally. She took a deep breath and let it out. She had so many question….and no one could answer them.

_Simple ones first._ "Ok…..So can one of you give me a detailed account of what happened since the dual? I am trying to piece things together but so much of what I experienced feels like a dream."

Varric plopped his feet on the ground and leaned forward on his knees, clearly intrigued. "If only I had my book right now." he muttered shaking his head. "Well…I'll begin and any of the others can jump in at any time."

The dwarf started at the feel of the last spell she cast, but it was like seeing everything through a haze, pieces were missing from those last few minutes that she figured was just her minds way of protecting itself. It was like listening to one of his stories about some hero who saves them all and dies tragically at the end, much the same way the hero of Ferlderan did, but this time it was about her and was only disturbing, not mythical and legendary. Then he came to the part of Fenris cradling her body next to his. The sharp pain in her chest was back as that knife dug deeper still. She gripped her knees until the flesh of her hands became mottled.

"What next?" she said with a small grimace.

"Well after Orsino came in and we could all see there was no hope, something just happened. I can't see auras or any of that mystical crap like some people in this group, but it was something….metaphysical. Then in the next moment, you took a deep breath and started screaming."

She frowned, "But nothing before, no voice, no one bent down to kiss me?"

Varric looked startled, "Kiss you…..Ah no…this is not one of those fairytales princess. Although if you have a different version I would sure like to hear it."

She froze. Why was that voice so damn familiar? It was…..comforting….but frightening all at the same time. She remembered that voice as clear as day, "_Not yet my sunsinger…..not yet….I have waited too long to have you." _Followed by the brush of lips…..then the pain. She shuddered.

Waving a hand dismissively at the dwarf's question, she answered, "Smoke and mirrors, I guess. So what happened next?" She tried to change the subject.

The dwarf gratefully let it drop. "Well we brought you back here. Anders carried you while you slept."

"Anders?" She would have figured…no. Better not to complete that thought.

Anders didn't let it lie though. He was watching her with a frightening intensity. There was a whole lot of emotion raging through him. She could feel it like a swelling wave. His irises flashed with a blue light and died back to their normal hazel. Justice was fighting for control. He was angry and the words hissed out of him. "Yes I did since that raging lunatic that was your lover decided you were too much of a monster for him."

"What?" she asked instantly, hating the pain that was in that one word.

Anders sobered just as fast, sensing the wound he had ripped open. "Sorry."

"He said that? Fenris said that?"

The mage sighed, "No, but it was there between the lines."

She closed her eyes. For a moment the sorrow threatened to overwhelm her, punctuated only by a tiny thread of anger at the elf's complete betrayal. She grabbed onto that anger like it was her anchor. Something within her awakened, embracing that rage, riding the wave to the surface, as power flooded her body. She could feel the currents running along her arms down to her finger tips, flaring up her neck to her cheeks and down over her breasts, along the curve of her waist to her hips and down her legs. Something seemed to tug at her, pressing her to let go.

"Sweet Maker" Aveline whispered.

"Beeeauuutifullll" Merrill drawled.

Her eyes snapped open again. Her companions were staring at her in varying degrees of awe and distress. That doused her rage like throwing a bucket of water on a fire.

"What?"

The pirate looked annoyed, still lying across the chair, watching the entire affair, "Seriously? What next? Is a parade of men going to dance their way through here fawning over her too?"

Varric chuckled, "You wish."

Isabella sighed forlornly, "Yes I do…..but only if I can join in."

She rolled her eyes at the exchange, "Ok so what did I just do?"

Anders came over to sit on the end of the lounge seat she was sitting on, eyes holding a barely disguised lust. "Your entire body started to glow, like someone placed moonlight under your skin." He bent over to grab her hand. "And these markings on your skin…..illuminated like the sun." His thumb was running over the top of her hand, tracing the veins that were now golden and were bleeding away until they were almost undistinguishable against her skin. This was all too surreal. Nothing seemed to be setting in completely, getting distracted from one thought to the next. She glanced up at him and their eyes locked. His hand reached out to graze the side of her face, "And your eyes…..like watching firelight."

She stiffened, not because of his hand caressing her face but finding out the color of her eyes had changed from their normal steely grey. Maybe Fenris wasn't that far off in thinking she was an abomination.

Anders pulled his hand back, his face becoming unreadable. "Sorry, I forgot my touch was so disgusting to you," the last few words containing a trace of bitterness.

She grabbed out for his hand, caught it and held it in between both of hers. "Listen this is just a lot to take in. My mind is having trouble wrapping around it all. I just need some time…and sleep."

That seemed to sooth Anders ego somewhat and he nodded. Her head laid to rest on the back of the chair again as the last of her energy flowed out of her. She found herself unable to keep her eyes open. She yawned and that just made the effect worse. Exhaustion was pulling her down again.

"Let's meet…..tomorrow." she said around another yawn.

"Well if that isn't a sign to go I don't know what is?"

Anders leaned over her, "Will you be alright? I can stay."

She caressed his forearm and gave him a lazy smile. "I'll be fine. I just have to absorb everything that happened and my brain seems to be at capacity for learning new terrifying things about myself."

He smirked back at her, gazing deeply in her eyes, "I've always liked the charcoal grey of your eyes. Like storm clouds" he mused, " forever ominous and unpredictable, much like the owner."

Her hand rose to touch her face. She couldn't help but be a little affected by his words. He never stopped trying to woo her.

"So they're back to normal?"

He nodded, "Yes, they bled back to normal after I touched you."

She let out a breath and some of the tension in her body went with it. She yawned again. Sleep was dragging at her again. She could barely keep her eyes open. Her companions all smiled and before they even got up to leave she was out…

…

She was walking down a forest path, feet bare, her only clothing a thin white soft cotton shift dress. Similar to what she wore to bed when she wasn't just passing out from exhaustion. It was sleeveless and form fitting, hugging all the right curves and hanging off her hips, ending at her knees where a long slit went up one side. It provided the only cover between her and the rest of the world, there was nothing else underneath. Hands rose to comb through her thick black hair she discovered it was pinned up in a mass of curls, pulled back to leave her face bare. _This is just getting strange_, was all she could think.

A cool breeze blew down the path and broke her skin out in goose bumps. The only light on her path was the little moonlight that strained through the tree tops. The air hung like a heavy mist around her, smelling of rain. She loved that smell, it reminded her of home. She reached the edge of the forest the starlight sparkling down on the clearing like a million tiny diamonds in the sky. The snap of a match igniting followed by the light of the flame that appeared some distance away. There was someone next to that flame, someone that had an immense pull of power surrounding them. She squinted her eyes trying to distinguish more but couldn't. The dark figure squatted down next to a large black bundle. A fire burst to life and continued to rise as more and more wood began to catch.

She approached the center warily, feeling that swirling energy spin faster and faster. It was like a great wall of power and she didn't know how to penetrate it. Her hand rose in the darkness and pressed in gently against the outside of that barrier. For a moment the power enveloped her, ripping at her defenses, pulling the magic out from inside her. Then just as quickly it changed, having decided she was a friend and welcoming her inside the circle. She shrugged her shoulders trying to release some of the tension that had gathered there and made her way towards the growing bonfire. _This day was just getting weirder and weirder_, she thought. Spotting the dark figure hidden just at the verge of the shadows on the opposite end she made her way towards him. The fire leaped up brightly, flames whipping violently up in the wind when she reached the light's edge as if in greeting, and then slowly calmed back again. She waited for that shadow to make itself known.

The figure turned to the flames and the light fell on his features.

"Father!" she exclaimed and ran to him. He opened his arms to her and they embraced. She pulled back looking up at him. "How are you here? I thought….."

His hands came up to brush the sides of her face. "Shhhh…..we only have a few moments and then you must wake."

She became confused and backed away from him, "I don't understand."

His hands dropped to her shoulders, his brows furrowed and his expression became serious, "Elise I came to warn you."

Her head cocked to the side, "Warn me?"

"Rasakahas will be able to join you in the Fade now."

"What? Why now? Why not before," she asked completely startled. This was so not the conversation she pictured having.

"The bond you shared with the elf prevented you from coming to the Fade in your sleep. But now…." His voice trailed off.

She would have laughed in disgust if she had the strength. Fenris was guarding her even in her sleep, however unintentional it may have been.

The wind picked up around her, whistling though the trees and making the fire swirl and flutter. Something whispered in her ear and she closed her eyes for a moment and listen to the earth around her. Music…beautiful music on the wind….she turned in its direction and opened her eyes. She couldn't tell where it was coming from only that it was there. The song beckoned to her, drew her near. She didn't fight it, didn't want to fight it. Her entire body was focused on the Call. It promised so many things…safety, happiness, love, desire, contentment, and peace. The urge to run to it was so strong. She could hear nothing but the music, feel nothing but the pull to follow. It was summoning her…

That thought helped clear her mind….. She shook her head visibly to help her focus. She found herself on the edge of the light at the rim of the trees across the clearing from where she just was. How had she gotten there? She struggled to think, to push out the sound.

"Elise Marianne Hawke you need to concentrate." Her father yelled. "I cannot help you. I cannot interfere." He seemed to have been saying this for some time now although this was the first she was conscious of it.

She looked back at him in dismay, but couldn't seem to turn away from the sound. "Why, why am I drawn to it? It's so…..beautiful." Her mind began to drift away again.

"Focus!" She jerked her head and blinked her eyes. "He is calling you."

"He? You mean it?"

"No. He. Raskahas Sha' Kuru."

She frowned, still standing at the edge of the light. "Why doesn't he just come here?"

"He can't. The circle protects us for now. But it won't last forever."

"Who is he?" This thread of conversation appeared to help distract her.

"One of the fallen ones." And the explanation ended there as if that should have been enough.

"Care to explain," and she couldn't help the annoyance from leaking out in her voice.

"I cannot tell you more than that. But he has been alive for longer than either you or I can comprehend. And he wants you, has been waiting for you for a long time."

She frowned again. "Yes he has said that before. But why does he want me."

Her father sighed, "I cannot tell you that either."

Her frustration turned to anger. "So you come here to warn me and yet can't tell me anything other than to be vague and cryptic only to say that I need to stay away from him. You think somehow I didn't already know that!" She was yelling now. "I remember what I was taught you know."

She expected him to yell back at her or at least show some sign of displeasure at her disrespect. He did nothing. Grief was the only thing she could discern from his features.

"What happened to you, papa? You died but you're not with the Maker, why not? Mother's death was horrible. She was so panicked that you weren't there."

So much sorrow filled his eyes then, and she wished she'd kept her mouth shut.

"I know….and I am sorry for that, I truly am, but there is no helping me now."

"Why?"

"It doesn't matter…..It is my penance to the Maker and when he deems it sufficient only then I will rejoin our family."

"But you will be at the Makers side one day?"

"Yes…one day."

She searched his face, looking for the lie in his eyes. He kept her gaze until finally she dropped head. She nodded, trying to accept that. A push of energy pounded against the barrier and the music that she was able to block out to that point flooded her senses again. Her father looked alarmed.

"Elise now you must wake. You must get out of here."

She looked away concentrating hard on the ground. How do you wake yourself up from a dream? She tried closing her eyes and pinching herself hard. She opened them. Nothing_. Stupid_, she thought, and now she would have a nice bruise.

Her father was becoming truly panicked now. "Elise you need wake up. NOW!"

Icy fear was beginning to set in. Travelling down her spin and dulling her senses. She couldn't think, couldn't clear her head. How do you wake up from a bad dream, you don't, something or someone else usually does.

_Fenris!_

She could try to reach him, they had a connection before, maybe it wasn't totally gone. She opened the barriers to her magic and felt it flood through her body, responding to her call. On some other level she noticed her skin begin to glow softly. She reached within herself, searching frantically for that connection, where it always was.

Nothing.

Just a huge wall of steel stood in its place. _No_, she thought. _It could not be undone. Orsino said it could not be undone._ She slammed imaginary fists in that wall, trying desperately to break through.

Horrible screams rent the air. She looked up to find her father falling to his knees. A massive pressure snapped and she knew without seeing that the circle was down and her time was up.

The music then overwhelmed her. Flowing through her psyche and awakening something deep within her. Her body started to absorb the energy, making everything within her come alive as if it never were before. The Call became so overpowering that she felt herself cower on the ground in a ball only to keep from walking forward.

"Fight it Elise!" her father gritted through his teeth, huddled into a ball, and then he disappeared.

"PAPA!"

Then the melody drowned everything else out. She was screaming again and again. The magic within her raged, fighting to get free and follow that sound. It was clawing at the surface, struggling to gain control. Her skin felt like it was being ripped to shreds on the inside.

A voice whispered through her mind, _Just let go, and it won't hurt._

_No. I will not give in to you, _she told that voice.

The pain tripled and she lost even the breath to scream. There was nowhere for it to go, caught within the cage of her body, rampant like a beast, it tore her apart from the inside out. She had felt nothing like it in the world as something tried to burst forth from her skin. _It's too much…..too much. I can't take anymore…._tears leaked out of her eyes_, I'm sorry father._ And she let go.

The pain ceased. The music surrounded her, caressing her skin like a lover, her magic flowed outward with it following the current, the influx of power and all logical thought slipped away. She felt only the most carnal, most basest of needs, the desire to feel pleasure and give it to another, to inflict pain, fear, and have control. It was the darkest part of her, the darkest part of every human. A sadistic nature that exists within us all the only difference being we don't all act on it. She found the source of that current on the edge of the trees hiding amongst the shadows. Although she knew he wasn't hiding, he was never hiding. She could see the metal part of his cane reflecting the firelight. She went to him because she wanted to, wanted to feel his power glide across her skin, along with some other choice parts of his body. She stopped abruptly. Where did that come from? This wasn't her, but deep down a part of her was smiling, and eerily happy to be near him.

He waited in the dark, eyes glinting alight with humor along with something more dark and wicked. "Elise Marianne Hawke." His deep baritone voice caressed her name like silk upon her skin. His voice, the voice that was so familiar and filled with longing belonged to him? But she had heard his voice before and he didn't care for her, he wanted her for some reason that he had yet to disclose. She was only an arm's length away now. When had she started walking again? What the hell was going on! She let out the breath she hadn't known she was holding. His hand came out into the light, upraised and waiting. There was not a moment's hesitation before she slid her hand in his, as if she didn't have control. The music swelled at their joining, the fire blazed suddenly lighting up the night. She looked up at him as his eyes closed and he was actually smiling. It wasn't malicious or in any way dangerous, it looked almost….grateful, like he had been starving all this time and had finally been given a piece of bread. It was so maddening. It felt like there was a war beginning inside her mind. She wanted to run, to get away from him as fast as possible, and yet another part of her reacted as if she had been waiting for this moment since the beginning of time. But if that was the case then why didn't she feel this before. Was it because there was something else inside her now, a demon? Was it the connection she had with Fenris that blocked it out? Or was it something else altogether? She couldn't make sense of it and she couldn't let go. The best she could manage was to not get lost in the need to take him on the ground here and now.

His eyelids fluttered open and when he noticed her staring at him his face smoothed over to an arrogant mask. She frowned. _I liked the genuine smile better_, she thought. His mouth twitched and she belatedly wondered if he could still read her mind, and if so he now knew the battle that was raging in her own mind.

"I do not mean you harm my little Sunsinger. If you knew how long I waited you would understand."

Riiight, so that's why Damin tortured her and why Ra tried to drag her into the fade not a few weeks before, singeing her brain raw in the process. "Forgive me if I don't believe you."

He stepped fully into the light of the bonfire. His rich wavy brown hair ended below his shoulders and cascaded down like a waterfall to the middle of his back. She had the sudden urge to touch it, as if it was something of a habit. Her body reacted to the thought as her hand reached out, caressing a lock of his hair. It was so soft and fine, just the way she had known it would be. She combed her fingers through to the end and let it drop. The sudden urge to have all that glorious hair tickling over her erect nipples nearly ended control right there.

His lips quirked, "You always did have am unexplainable attraction for my hair." That perplexed her even more, but she couldn't seem to clear her head enough to think why. He slowly pulled her closer and wrapped her hand around his arm. She couldn't seem to fight this desire to touch him, she didn't want to let go. They turned back to the fire and walked arm in arm to a large plush blanket that was surrounded by a hundred candles.

_Well that's a tad bit presumptuous, _she thought.

He laughed, a deep throaty chuckle that echoed in the air and stroked her skin. Tightening her nipples and starting a throb deep between her legs leaving her shivering with portent.

_Good God! And that was only his laugh._

His thumb started to trace patterns on the back of her hand, humor still alight in his eyes, it was distracting dragging her mind to other more sensual appetites that had been long ignored.

"Why…just tell me why." She didn't elaborate further and she didn't have to.

"You had to be tempered." He responded simply and unemotionally.

"Tempered…..is that what you call what Damin did? He tempered me? What am I a piece of metal!" She was practically shouting now, voice echoing into the dark. She jerked out of his grasp but he would not let her go, maintaining as vice like grip on her arm. The rage felt good, warming her body to a near boil with the need to lash out. It was so overwhelming as if she were experiencing the full range of every emotion for the first time. She wanted to hurt him, beat him senseless into the ground with her fists.

His face was unresponsive, completely oblivious to her struggle, "You had to experience the depravity of the world to be capable of deciding its future."

That stopped her in her tracts. "Huh? What are you talking about?" she was having some major trouble maintaining concentration. "I am not judge and jury."

He sighed, "I can see where this is going. Just like before." Now he actually looked sad. It was almost laughable. "The last time you turned your back on me and insisted they were worth saving. You must see now they are not. You have been betrayed in every way possible and yet you still fight for them."

She was quiet for a moment and looked at the flickering fire that was now right in front of her. She could not deny the truth of his words. But there had to be something worth saving even if she wasn't allowed to experience it herself. The whole world couldn't be darkness, could it?

He released her arm but maintained the hold on to her hand and turned her to face him. He raised his free hand and caressed her face. She leaned into it without thinking then immediately pulled back when she realized what she did.

His hand dropped and his face hardened. "Is it a habit of yours to fight every natural inclination?"

She took a step back and he released her other hand. An intense pull to close that distance took its place, to feel his body covering hers, kissing him, the touch of his hands caressing her skin, feeling him inside her. She was shaking her head now backing away, trying to fight that desire.

"No, you aren't even human. You tortured me, destroyed my spirit until I was a shell of my former self."

His eyes lit up with a fierce intensity, "Make no mistake, sunshine. You are mine, and I will have you."

There was a huge yank on her insides like she was being forced from her own body. She clutched a hand over her stomach. Voices, in her head, calling her. She closed her eyes. It felt like she was being wrenched inside out.

Then Ra's voice reached her ears, "You will come back. And I will be waiting."

Her body bolted upright from its reclined position. Anders stood over her, glowing with a blue light. She was breathing heavily, her chest heaving as if she had just run for her life. But it wasn't that at all. It was what she had almost done with Ra that scared her the most, battling with the fact that she still wanted it, craved it until it was a dull ache in her body. Now she was looking up into the piercing blue eyes of Justice as he stared down at her. He did not look happy, in fact he looked down right murderous_. Uh oh, this isn't good_.

**A/N: Thank you for all the new follows can't believe I'm almost at 70. Yea! Hope you like this new twist. I battled with this decision for awhile to have Hawke be turned on by Ra. Now the game of trying to stay awake for as long as possible begins. For all of you that review, you keep me writing even when I don't want to. Thank you**** So please review. Major musical inspiration for this chapter Fleetwood Mac: The Chain.**


End file.
